| Subject: Just 'cause |
Author:
Chiska
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Date Posted: 10:03:05 12/07/05 Wed
I'm just feeling like talking and so I thought I'd write you guys. Elisa, I keep thinking about your comment about being scared to have kids. I always wanted to skip the "getting" part and get to the having part. It was the whole pregnancy thing that always scared me. I adore children, but how does a body handle the rest of it. AND when it's your own kid it's different (how many million times do you hear that?!)you're more emotional, all that stuff. Anyway, forgive me a little but I'm going to share my thoughts with all you guys. Pregnancy outside of a few aches and pains and constant tiredness was a breeze for me. And the longer I listened to pregnancy and labor stories the more convinced I have become that there are no two alike. Some general similarities, yes....everyone has a baby growing in their uterus, your body changes, you have to eat...those kinds of things. I also believe that things aren't as bad as people tell them to be. It's fun to be "part of the club" until you realize that it's no different than being "popular"....it's not as great a relief or as fun as I (at least) thought it would be and you get pressure in a whole new way. When everything started to fall apart healthwise with Britt it kind of cleaned my clock. But as time has gone on I've realized that Heavenly Father really does make a way for you to deal with whatever you have to deal with. When I held Britt this morning and even more last night as he was laughing and smiling and interacting with us I can't imagine giving up the difficulty and losing that. Even if I had to give up being with him in this life.....well there just aren't words that can describe it. Don't get me wrong, I want to have him stay with us, but we know some people who don't get that opportunity and I've thought if I had the power would I want to go back and avoid the whole process if we were faced with that. I wouldn't. Maybe waiting as long as I did to have him has made a difference too. I don't know. Anyway, just random thoughts. Life will always be a struggle...there's no arriving that will take that away no matter what you do or how you plan. The joy comes in being with people you love and having them be part of your life. I hope I'm not sounding preachy or anything like that, it's just stuff I've been thinking about...what would I tell myself in the past. Sorry to be baby focused, I know that's not fun. Onto something else I've learned through this experience. I've also always thought, well whatever you want Heavenly Father, that's the way it's going to be. Now I understand that I get to choose to a certain extent. I don't know how to explain this: I get to say for example, I want so badly to be able to hear Britt cry and make noises. That's what I want, but I trust that Heavenly Father knows more than I do and if I don't get to do that there's something else in store for us. Sometimes we get what we want, sometimes we don't. And the important thing is not to be bitter about whichever way it goes. Well I've got to get to an appointment. Thanks so much for letting me "talk". And please, please don't think I'm telling anyone what to do or think, you guys just get me thinking about things sometimes and then I want to share what I'm thinking. Take Care, Chiska
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