Re: writing style -- JAC Forum

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Subject: Re: writing style

Author:
Adrian

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Date Posted: 11:28:28 05/02/03 Fri
In reply to: Jake 's message, "Re: writing style" on 15:08:24 04/29/03 Tue

>As far as that particular sentence, I agree it could
>use some work; but I don't like it as two sentences.
>How about this? "The message here is the same belief
>that Oe criticizes the American government for
>holding: the belief that the bomb would create hell,
>but not a hell from which humanity would be unable to
>recover."

Oh, I thought that was the rough draft of a paper that you were writing. The revised sentence is much better.

Personally, I would say, "The movie delivers the same apologist message that Oe criticizes in the American government. Namely, that the victims of a hellish bomb strike would be able to recover with few scars."

Why do I prefer my version? My first sentence has a clear subject, direct object, and indirect object. In your version, "the message" seems to be both the subject and the object (as "belief"), while the verb is a passive "is." You have a subordinate clause in the middle. That's not as clear. My sentence applies a one-two punch, while yours applies a stranglehold from behind.

Nevertheless, I'm much happier with the revised version. I appreciate all of your points. :)

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Re: writing style	Jake	15:30:00 05/02/03 Fri