| Subject: Re: writing style |
Author:
Jake
|
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Date Posted: 15:30:00 05/02/03 Fri
In reply to:
Adrian
's message, "Re: writing style" on 11:28:28 05/02/03 Fri
>>As far as that particular sentence, I agree it could
>>use some work; but I don't like it as two sentences.
>>How about this? "The message here is the same belief
>>that Oe criticizes the American government for
>>holding: the belief that the bomb would create hell,
>>but not a hell from which humanity would be unable to
>>recover."
>
>Oh, I thought that was the rough draft of a paper that
>you were writing. The revised sentence is much
>better.
>
>Personally, I would say, "The movie delivers the same
>apologist message that Oe criticizes in the American
>government. Namely, that the victims of a hellish
>bomb strike would be able to recover with few scars."
>
>Why do I prefer my version? My first sentence has a
>clear subject, direct object, and indirect object. In
>your version, "the message" seems to be both the
>subject and the object (as "belief"), while the verb
>is a passive "is." You have a subordinate clause in
>the middle. That's not as clear. My sentence applies
>a one-two punch, while yours applies a stranglehold
>from behind.
>
>Nevertheless, I'm much happier with the revised
>version. I appreciate all of your points. :)
The only problem I have with that way of writing it is that it doesn't convey the same subtleties of meaning that I wanted. Saying "the message here is" instead of "the movie delivers" ties the sentence to the previous one more clearly. It emphasizes that I'm commenting specifically on the events I had just described, rather than on the message of the movie as a whole.
The reason I have the whole thing as one sentence is so that I can subordinate the explanation of Oe's message to my point. You subordinate it in your version too, but only because your second sentence is a sentence fragment. =P Written correctly, "namely" would be lower case with either a comma or dash before it. And then it's all one sentence again. :)
The word "apologist" also doesn't really fit with what I was saying, but that doesn't have to do with the sentence structure, so nevermind. Hehe, I don't know why I'm still debating this, or why it's so much fun.
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