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Date Posted: 02:04:19 03/02/03 Sun
Author: A Beard Wearing Fag
Subject: Spring is on it's way...

Spring is on it's way boys and girls, and you know what that means? your gonna have to get off yer lazy asses and go outside one of these days, cause your bastard of an excuse of two foot deep snow is getting friggin old i'd say. but worry not, this beard wearing fag has plenty of helpful hints for you this springtime. there are plenty of things to do in the spring and summer months that won't make you lose your hard earned beer gut and snack pack ass.
I'll update with new spring activities as often as i can.

Activity #1:
Camping, ohhh camping is always fun, And there have been many technological advances in the field of camping since you were a young butterball, believe you me. no longer do you simply venture out into the woods with a stick and some water and sleep there a few days to escape the IRS and ex girlfriends, now they populate the woods with all kinds of fearsome creatures, like snakes, spiders and yeti, all of them evil and wanting to eat your soul.
now when you wander into the woods to be mauled and eaten you'll have some new and fancy gear for the wild creatures and investigators to rummage through and have a laugh over. Roll your ass into a outdoors store nearby and gaze you saucer sized consumer eyes all all the wonders that can drain your bank account quicker than a heights girl opens her legs to a West deptford boy ;).
Sleeping bags are truely amazing now adays, they allow you to wrap your body to stay warm in the out doors. Once fully encased with just your head popping out, you should feel very comfortable and will look like a tasty burrito to any passing bears. There are three types of filling for sleeping bags: down filling, made from feathers; synthetic fiber, made from crushed baby skulls; and crème filling, not unlike the tasty goodness that Twinkies are filled with. It is advisable not to try out the sleeping bags in the store, as the salesperson might start hitting you with an aluminum bat while you are immobilized. Salespeople are the worst humans ever, even worse than the Nazis. (SA)
Tents:
This is your only protection from the elements, so you want to make sure you have a good one. Tents are broken down into seasons, such at 2, 3, and 4 season. If you are planning to escape your wife during the winter months, you want to make sure that you have a 4 season. Tents also vary in size. From small one-person bibby tents, to 12 person Caligula-style orgy tents, the store should have everything to suit your needs. But whatever you do, don't go in one of the display tents. The salespeople like to trap customers in these tents and throw them from moving trucks into rush hour traffic.(SA)
Fire:
Fire is an always useful tool to have about you when out camping, it keeps you warm, it tends to scare bugs away, and makes you smell so smokey and nasty that mosy furry animals don't wanna eat you, fire is also useful if your camping companion expires due to malnutrition, or cheating at a late night poker game. you can always cook him up for some extra tasty eatins in the woods, and it's a great way to conceal "evidence". fire is also useful to fake your own death, and if you find yourself in a losing battle with the wildlife assaulting you you can always light the woods on fire.
Nature sure seems dangerous, but just remember that as long as you have no fear, you won't even know what hit you. Now that you have all your equipment and some information on a few of the creatures you will encounter, it’s time for you to leave the confines of your smelly monkey cage, and get into the crisp cool air of the outdoors. Are you ready???

Sincerly,
A Beard Wearing Fag

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