| Subject: Commiting sucide over unfaithful boyfriend |
Author:
Genesis
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Date Posted: 20:21:14 04/11/03 Fri
In reply to:
sgboy
's message, "Ask Dr. Gene" on 18:17:02 02/22/03 Sat
Dear Dr Gene,
I am a 21 year old sales assistant who have been with my bf, Randy, for a year. Our relationship became very unstable after being together for only 4 months. We started off pretty well and were deeply in love with each other, at least that was what I felt. Randy would do anything for me and fetches me to and from work everyday without fail. He would often get me my favourite food when he picks me up after work and little inexpensive stuff but that meant a lot to me. Although I stay at his place, I never had to do any housework as he insisted on doing it himself. I felt like the most fortunated person in the world and so much in love as I was cared for my this wonderful man. Although we have a large age gap, I never saw it as a major problem.
Be it my birthday or his, he would bring me to celebrate overnight at a room at Ritz Carlton. We enjoyed our relationship a lot. I don't care if he supports me financially as I am independent and refused to take extra cash from him on many occassions. We made love almost every night for the first 4 months of our relationship.
But alas, good things always come to an end. One fine day, I happened to chance upon his handphone which he just bought and accidentally saw SMS messages from other guys inviting him for sex and to meet up. I was dumbfounded and questioned him immediately. He made up many excuses to cover up. But I knew they were not true and exposed his lies. To which, he would apologise saying he was sorry and upset, promising not to talk to other guys again. I trusted him and gave him a chance.
However after 2 weeks, I checked his handphone and saw that he called this same guy on numerous occassions when I wasn't with him. I was devastated and confronted him. He complained that I am ill-mannered and expects too much in the relationship which resulted in him requiring an outlet to release himself. But he never shared any problems with me so I thought we were fine all along. I told him I will change for him as I love him too much to give him up. I felt that he was guilty and started to pamper me with gifts and spending more time with me. I do appreciate his efforts but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to love me.
Then one day, I arranged with a close friend of mine to test him by asking him to meet up for sex. He made the arrangements and I would follow him to see if Randy really show up. And show up he did! I felt that I am gonna die anytime. I immediately left without Randy even knowing I was there. After that incident, I tried committing sucide by slashing my wraist. I didn't even think about my parents who had raised me for 20 years. I was just too weak! After discovering that my friend planned the act, Randy came to me and apologised profusely giving me many stupid excuses which I eventually accepted and forgave him again! I guess once we are in love, we would always want to give our partner chances knowing that he was cheating on us. Probably I was too young and naive.
After that incident, there were more than ten times I caught him going spas, chat lines and the Internet in search of sex. I really don't know what he has done outside. I gave up checking on him as I think that would only hurt me even more. I would just pretend not to know anything and let him have his way. Hopefully one day, he will realise that I really love him.
Our relationship now is lifeless and montonous. We live each day as it is. I stopped checking on him. We seldom make love as he refuses to. He no longer showers me with all the attention that I need and deserves. He became a miser and very stingy towards me, being very calculative with almost every cent. I feel that I've reached my max and could no longer tolerate any further, but I still love him a lot and refuses to give him up.
Probably I fell in love with the wrong guy. He's 42 this year and doesn't appreciate that I still love him despite his age. I really do.
What do u think I should do? Do you think he has had enough of me and is toying with my feelings? I can give up anything for him, even sex. Sometimes I feel I really don't understand myself.
Genesis
Hello Genesis,
Thank you for writing.
It seems you have both violated each other.
You violated his privacy when you checked his hand phone and other messages, then you and your friend deceived him and led him into a trap.
He, on the other hand violated you by not being monogamous. If that what part of the original agreement.
He is more than likely aware that you do love him, but it seems he is always in search of something different and fresh. It is probably the excitement of the hunt more than the sex.
Suicide is certainly no the answer to any of this. Don't become melancholy, get angry.
If you do decide to stay with him, you must set ground rules and state very clearly that there are no more strikes left. If he violates the rules once more you are out of his life. The same goes the opposite way, in that if you violate him, he has the right to tell you to go.
The road to true love has many twists and turns and it will take an expert drive, so to speak, to negotiate all the obstacles; but it can be done.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gene
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