| Subject: My boyfriend got married |
Author:
Roland
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Date Posted: 20:02:35 04/11/03 Fri
In reply to:
sgboy
's message, "Ask Dr. Gene" on 18:17:02 02/22/03 Sat
Dear Dr Gene,
Recently, I found out that my boyfriend Randy got married and I am totally distraught and lost. It was as if the sky came crashing down on me! I never dreamt that such a thing would happen in my life.
The following is an account of some events in our 3 years relationship:
Year 1
I got to know Randy through IRC, we chatted on phone and later dated each other for 6 months. We found that we both like each other and so we went into a relationship. He was my first boyfriend and I was his as well. He loved and treasured me very much and helped me a lot both financially and emotionally. He gave me great courage and assurance to be in a gay relationship. Everything went smoothly for us throughout the first year.
Year 2
During my 19th birthday, I discovered that he lied to me about his age. Before we get into the relation, he told me he was 28 year old but turned out to be 34 (now 37). He had a small built and looked really young then, so I didn't suspect anything. When I found out the truth, I was shocked. However, I don't mind although he is 15 years older than me because I LOVE HIM. He explained that he didn't mean to lie to me because he was afraid that I wouldn't accept him in the beginning because of the age difference. I bought his explanation. However, I found out later that he lied about his educational qualification as well. But that didn't affect my love for him.
The relationship went on just fine till the end of the second year when he told me he knew this woman from SDU (he considered himself bisexual in the beginning). I've met the lady and I didn't like her because I knew she would be an obstacle in our relationship. I told Randy to leave her and he promised me he would (I am not sure whether that was another lie). As I completely trusted him, things went on fine again in our relationship.
After leaving that woman, Randy mentioned that he wants to live with me and wanted me to be his life-long partner. I agreed as I found him to be faithful and sincere. Furthermore, I was deeply in love with him. As such, we planned to get a place of our own when I turn 21. In the second year of the relationship, we were still very much in love and remained faithful with each other.
Year 3
In the beginning of the year, I felt that Randy was a little cold to me. There were no signs of words of love nor were there gestures to show his care for me. In addition, he would meet me only once a week or fortnight as opposed to the usual 2-3 days a week.
From the early stage of our relationship, we would always openly discuss and clear any doubts we have of each other regarding the relationship. So I confronted him and he told me he felt that our relationship is stable enough and there was no need for those gestures. But I told him that no matter how stable and secure the relationship is, we should still spice it up now and then to keep it interesting and on-going. Despite the discussion, his cold treatment remains.
Recently, he went overseas for 3 weeks. Throughout his trip overseas, he didn't even call or sms. I became very worried. I couldn't sleep and have been drinking to prevent me from thinking that he might dump me. I even dreamt that he got married and I got even more worried.
When he came back (just recently), I no longer sense the love for each other and we are no longer as intimate as before. I decided to confront him again. I asked him to tell me what's actually happening and pleaded him not to lie to me. He just kept quiet and after some hesitation said that I must be crazy to worry about our stable relationship. However, he told me that his parents had asked him to get married. I am more worried when I heard this and began to suspect he was still seeing that woman.
Finally, I managed to get her's mobile number and called her up to asked her about her relationship with Randy so that I can have a peace of mind. However, I am stunned and devastated when she told me they JUST GOT MARRIED RECENTLY! That 3 weeks overseas was actually their honeymoon!
I was lost for words, disappointed, devastated and felt jilted. I got hold of Randy and asked him to clarify matters. He claimed that he had sex with her a few months back when they are drunk?!?!??!? He wanted to be responsible and so he married her although he claims to lovesme more than her.
Randy explained that he lied to me as he wanted to keep our relationship. He said he still love me. Do you think he meant what he said? Why did he said that he is gay in the second year of the relationship and yet made the biggest mistake in his life by having sex with that woman?
Randy said he felt guilty, but he can't do anything. Is that true? He don't even console or assure me with words/actions even as he claims he still want me in his life.
Dear Dr Gene, I really don't know what to do now and how to get on with my life, especially with affairs of the heart. Does he still love me? Should I stay with him? I am lost, devastated and thrashed by a gal...I lost my love to a mistake made with a woman. I lost the love of my life.
Dr Gene, I have been faithful to him and love him very much. I don't go cruising nor IRC at all. Why did he do this to me? Why? I even rejected those guys who are after me because I LOVE HIM. Furthermore, we have even came out to our parents so that we can live together in future. Why did he get married just for responsibility?? Why? He destroyed the woman's life and mine...I got pierced right through my heart and it is bleeding profusely but the lady is still kept ignorant about the whole matter. What should I do?
Roland
Hello Roland,
Thank you for writing.
Finding your sole mate, boyfriend, lover, got married can make someone distraught. However, you should have seen it coming.
Seems after the first year, your honeymoon ended. In the second year you found out he lied to you. That should have been the clue of all clues. Once someone starts lying, it takes 1,000 lies to cover the first. You should know this. The lying continued through the relationship.
The big picture was when he said his parents wanted him to marry. Instead of telling them how selfish they were, he buckled under to their demands. Too bad for you. Too bad for him. But then again, why did he choose to take part in SDU activities if he didn't intend to find a woman?
As for him marrying the woman to save her dignity, Bull Shit. This is the twenty-first century. We are no longer living in the dark ages. If he were so sanctimonious, he'd never have come out to his parents to begin with.
Personally, I feel you are better off without him. I also feel someone would be delighted to have you as a boyfriend.
My suggestion is to leave him cold. No longer contact him or the woman. Get on with your life. You met him, you can certainly meet another. Only this time, use him as a learning lesson and don't follow the same mistakes.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gene
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