| Subject: Please help.... |
Author:
LadyJJ
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Date Posted: 03:19:14 05/16/01 Wed
Dear Staticx_Gal,
I've been married for several years, and while we enjoy a healthy physical relationship, our marriage has always been lacking in communication and sharing. My husband actually knows little of the inner me, and doesn't care to, as long as I "look pretty," who I am is unimportant.
About a year and a half ago, I placed a pen-pal ad for a male or female pen-pal for strictly E-mails, nothing else. I even told my husband I was doing so, and his response was his usual indifference. Married men were told not to reply to my ad.
One of the respondents was a name named Charlie. Initially he somehow avoided mentioning he was married, and told me a tale of a sailor weary of one-night stands and meaningless sex who was in search of a woman he could converse and develop a mental attachment with. A connection developed, and we began E-Mailing each other on a daily basis, sharing secrets and dreams with one another that we had never shared with others.
Over the course of several months, I fell in love with the man who authored those letters for the intelligence and creativity behind them. I loved him before ever laying eyes on him, and thought that I had finally found someone who loved me for "the inner me," as opposed to what he sees.
I met Charlie, and while physically he's rather ordinary, I loved him for what I thought he was. Now, months later, there is no contact, no E-Mail, no calls, and I'm left feeling empty and used.
Charlie claimed I was his soulmate, his true love, and yet his actions fall far short of any of his words. He leads a double life, spending most of it thousands of miles away from his family and totally unaccountable for his actions. While at work several states away, he becomes a predator of women.
Knowing all of this, I fell in love with him anyway. Somehow, he convinced me I was "different" (haha...joke's on me, isn't it?) from all the rest and the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Despite every warning, my heart told me this WAS my soulmate.
I can share none of this with family or friends, as I've always been loyal, faithful, dependable and the one that others turn to when in need of help or comfort. Such a revelation would disappoint so many, so I have no outlet to express my emotions or grieve. Result is, from holding all this in, I've spiraled into a depression, and some days I don't leave the safety of the home for fear of what is out there.
I once saw good in everything, and everyone. I once went out of my way to make a difference, and effect positive change. I now feel all used up, as if there is nothing left to offer anyone.
Somehow there is still a strange attachment to Charlie. While I both despise and pity him for the man he actually is when he could have been so much more, I can't seem to let go.
Is Charlie destined to be nothing more than a predator, and did I have no positive influence on him? Did he ever care or have feelings for me? How could I have been so wrong about him? Is he what is referred to as a "sociopath," devoid of any feelings for others as I fear? Is there any hope that someday he might love me?
I feel as if I'm frozen....my life just seems to be swirling around me and I seem incapable of living it. Please... help me...I am grateful for any insight you can offer me...
LadyJJ
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