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Date Posted: 17:44:17 04/22/03 Tue
Author: Amanda Vegita-Williams Hashiba Curtindolph
Subject: Chapter Twenty: ‘Opening My Head... And My Heart’ (First Person, Amanda)

Chapter Twenty: ‘Opening My Head... And My Heart’ (First Person, Amanda)

“Sure. To be totally honest, I need some too.” I knew there was definite mental unrest going on inside his head, but other than that, I was clueless. We got out of bed and walked outside. I put my arms up on the railing, pulling my sleeves down to my wrists. “Y’know, normally, I’m not like this.”

“Hm?”

“I mean, sure I was a nympho even before all this SI crap started, and I have more male friends than female, but...” I sighed, then noticed I was doing that nervous thing with my fingers. I stopped and said “I’ve never done this before. I’m kinda scared. I don’t know how SF Amanda dealt with this.” Daniel nodded. “My parents hate me, my brother gets all the love, my hometown is a mecca for idiots, freaks, and MSTers, my great-grandfather was racist, and I don’t even remember three years of my life!” I was rambling, and I knew it, but I had to keep my mind off my nightmare. “I was put on pills that might as well have made me a zombie for seven years! They claimed it was for depression! I don’t have depression! That’s what I have DBVG Amanda for! I’m not supposed to have nightmares!” I felt a warmth on my right hand. I looked to find his left on it.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m supposed to have perfect peace of mind, especially when I sleep! I haven’t woken up screaming from a nightmare since I was three! I’ve progressed from such childish things!” He wiped my face. Am I crying?

“Will you tell me about it?” I looked up at his face, those topaz colored eyes looking in mine, full of love. Should I tell him? I mean, I don’t like sharing these kinds of thoughts with anyone. God, my thoughts are coming out all wrong! Aw, screw it!

“I’m not really... good... at telling my private thoughts to people. I often have problems articulating my thoughts.”

“If it gets too hard, we can stop.” Damnit, why does he have to be so caring? “Okay?” I took a deep breath.

“There’s a monster. I don’t know anything about it other than it’s here to kill us. Joe was the first to die. He was saving Tay, his wife, from it. REBB was down, but I don’t know if he was alive or not. Tay fell when Joe did, but she lived, and just barely. I was put in command of defense because of...” I bit my lip, wondering how to word that. “...Familial pressure. I didn’t like that, so after screaming at J.T., who was commanding the offensive, I was allowed to attack, so long as you went with me. For awhile, it seemed our spells and physical blows were having an effect, but then...” I closed my eyes and pulled my hand away from his. “Are you thirsty? I’m thirsty. I’m gonna go get somethin’ to drink. Be right back!” I turned as quickly as I could, but Daniel grabbed my hand.

“Mandi-chan.”

“It hurts.”

“What happened?”

“You died! I lost you! And it was my fault! I pestered you until you let me go! You didn’t have chance! Your heart was blasted out of you! We had only been married for seven months! I made you die!” I started sobbing. “It was my fault...” Daniel pulled me back to him and hugged me tightly.

“My poor little Mandi-chan. No wonder you’re so upset. It’s okay. It was only a dream.”

“But I’ve had dreams that turned out to be true! This might be one!”

“Don’t worry.” We stood there like that until my sobs died down.

“What about yours?”

“My what?”

“I assume you had a nightmare too?”

“No.” One of the advantages of being a pathological liar is I can tell when someone else is lying. Daniel was.

“I know you’re lying, but I won’t push it.” I wrapped my arm around him and looked at the horizon. “You wanna watch the sun come up?”

“Only if you wanna.” I smiled.

“Alrighty then.” He bent down a bit and inhaled.

“Your hair smells like lemon.”

“My shampoo.”

“Nice.” We stayed outside until the sun rose, then we went back in the room for some more sleep.

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