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Neela & Bronte (*dancing*)
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Date Posted: 10:21:30 01/23/10 Sat
Author Host/IP: NoHost/72.94.183.155
In reply to:
Neela & Bronte
's message, "The Neela and Bronte Parody" on 16:35:43 04/04/09 Sat
Note: Although I do make fun of Twilight (as usual) in this episode and show Aris as an Anti, I’m personally a proud Neutral. I can admire and hate some things about Twilight, but mostly it’s fun to laugh at. I hope this episode was okay. Some things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to before I started writing, but they all fell into place in the end, I think. And yes, I do hint at the next episode, which I may write soon.
And so, I proudly (and humbly) present to DAB, “The Neela and Bronte Parody” Episode Three!
***
In the World of Fiction, characters thrive and live. It doesn’t matter whether or not they are canon or uncanon, supposedly dead or canonically dead. Once they are created in the Real World, they live in Fiction. After all, it’s their only home. Fictional characters are too fragile to belong to the harsh reality of the Real World. It would break them.
Fueled by imagination, creativity, and fandoms, most of Fiction prospers. However, some continuums are dark, gloomy, and dusty, barren of all life and movement but those of the sighing canon characters. Other continuums are so overrun by original characters, imagination, creativity, and their fandoms that they have no place to put it all and as such are constantly stressed, cramped, and overworked. Occasionally, someone in the Real World allows for a blurring of the lines separating continuums, enough for a character or two to step over to the other side and mingle with the other continuum for a short while. Most of the time, the special characters are original, but canon characters get their share of continuum swaps as well.
Although the Real World controls nearly everything on fiction, characters are allowed to do almost whatever they please in their own continuums. This was why a dangerous debate was taking place among all of those older than Dibbuns in the Redwall continuum on a day that Aris visited her Dibbun muses, Neela and Bronte…
***
“Now, I know that it’s strange to call an emergency meeting, but we need to discuss a matter of grave importance,” Abbess Mhera sighed as she looked around Great Hall at the confused rabble of Redwallers, vermin, Guosim shrews, Long Patrol hares, and all the other characters ever mentioned in the Redwall series. {Technically, the Great Hall was too small to hold everyone, (thanks to Brian Jacques’s way of writing about a hundred characters into every book), but due to the large number of crossover fanfics that often blurred the line between the Redwall and Harry Potter continuums, a wiser Abbess than Mhera had asked the wizarding world to magically increase the space in the Great Hall. In return, the hundreds of cooks in the Redwall continuum agreed to provide some of the vegetarian courses of the Hogwarts feasts. Everything always worked out in the end.}
The twenty or so other Abbots and Abbesses behind Mhera sighed as well. Aris, (now a young squirrelmaid and clearly annoyed by all of the noise around her), pulled out her Sonic Megaphone and let out an ear-splitting scream. Everybeast in the nearby vicinity winced and clamped their paws over their ears while all heads turned to look at the Original Character. Aside from a few mutters of “Ow…” it was silent in the Hall.
“Thank you, Aris,” Abbess Mhera said a little too loudly. The Leader of the Day had been too close to the squirrel and as such had not quite regained her full hearing again. From her place on a stage at the end of the Hall, Mhera could see thousands of eyes upon her. “The subject of this meeting involves a book— “ Talking broke out again, this time from the vermin characters.
“Eh, then why call us here? I can’t even read—“
“A book? Who ‘ere needs a book?”
“Burn books, burn them! Muahaha—“
Aris raised her Sonic Megaphone menacingly and the talking characters promptly shut up. Even if she was young, the squirrelmaid OC was enough to terrify even the most courageous canon character when she went insane. Which was most of the time.
“As I was saying,” continued Abbess Mhera, “The reason why this meeting involves a book is because the piece of literature in question is very famous, prone to cause major wars and battles, and it has a big following of fans and Antis, much like the Harry Potter series. However, we need to decide whether or not, like Harry Potter, we should add the book and it’s sequels to the Library and risk fighting or if we should just ban the book.”
“Well, what book is it?” called out Veil from a nearby corner.
“Twilight.”
Chaos broke out automatically.
“Ohmigosh, I LOVE that series!”
“Ohmigosh, I HATE that series!”
“What’s Twi—“
“Bella and Edward forever, everybeast!”
“No, Jacob is so much better because—“
“Sparklepires and Meyerpires are all the same—“
“Lame, lame, lame. Those books are so—“
“Would everybeast just—“
“I THREW GLITTER ON MY HUSBAND SO HE’D BE JUST LIKE EDWARD!”
Once again, everybeast quieted and turned to look at the source of this outburst. Unsurprisingly, this happened to be Madd. Mhera signaled for a few of the Long Patrol Hares to escort the insane squirrelwife out of the Great Hall.
“There seems to be a bit of a debate,” Mhera understated, “So we’ll have it done this way: All those who are debating for keeping the book, please move to the right side of the Hall.” Immediately, about half of the “goodbeasts” in the room stood up and walked over to their designated side. Over three-quarters of this group happened to be female and the rest were either actual male fans of Twilight (a few OCs) or they were love interests of the female fans and had been forced to join them (this happened to be what happened to poor Felldoh when Celandine practically dragged him over to her side). Aris did the math in her heads and on a few claws: Only about three-quarters of a half of all the characters in the Hall were actual fans of Twilight, or at least supporters. That meant that they only made up three-eighths of the whole older population. Well, wasn’t that an interesting fact to note?
“All those who are debating for banning the book, please move to the left side of the Hall.” About two-fifths of the remaining half of the “goodbeasts” and “badbeasts” went left, including Aris. If a book didn’t have action or real fantasy, she usually gave up on it by the tenth chapter. (It was the Mary Sues her a hater, though.) Aris, feeling in a mathematical mood again, calculated it all out (it was one of her weird hobbies): 37.5% of everyone in the room liked Twilight, although 50% looked like they were standing for it. Only 20% disliked Twilight and the other 30% didn’t care, didn’t know, or wanted to be neutral about Twilight. Mhera had evidently noticed this quickly as well, so she cleared her throat nervously to capture attention once more.
“All those who wish to remain neutral or can’t decide what you want, stay in the middle, please,” She looked around at the fans and the haters glaring at each other over the neutrals’ heads. It was a bit disconcerting.
“Um, how about I start it off?” Mhera looked at those who supported Twilight. “Martha, why do you enjoy Twilight?” She indicated a young haremaid (well-known for her love of reading) standing on the fringes of the OC fans.
“Personally, I like Twilight for the simplicity of the book, especially when I first read it. It’s a funny and easy read, I suppose. It’s not the best book in the world, but—“
“Hold it right there, missy!” An OC named Ella, garbed from head to footpaw in a sparkly, princess-like dress with the words “I <3 Edward and Redwall” garishly written front turned to point accusingly at Martha. “How dare you say Twilight isn’t the best? It’s the best piece of literature that I’ve ever read! It’s an instant classic! And Bella and Edward’s relationship is so—“
“Abusive?” called out Mariel from the left side of the room.
The mousemaid OC turned her attention to the warrior mousemaid, leaving Martha feeling uncomfortable and wishing that she had just decided to remain neutral after all.
“You’re just jealous of them,” Ella declared with a sniff.
“Look who’s talking,” Mariel said so quietly that Ella could only barely hear her. Usually the OC would have responded to that kind of remark with her Righteous Fan Fury, but one look at Mariel’s calm face set with a scary smile made her change her mind.
“Just debate, everybeast. There’s no need to go homicidal anytime soon,” joked Gonff from the middle of the room. The previous tension abated and the comments about Twilight began to fly thickly through the air.
“The writing is all wrong. Why does the actual plot happen when the book is three-quarters of the way finished?”
“It’s a romance novel. ROMANCE. The whole plot is supposed to center around two people falling in love.”
“Not necessarily. That’s the kind of mindset the publishers and authors want you to think.”
“Personally, I, like Martha, enjoy Twilight as an easy read. It’s the fans and the deeper meanings that turned me off it.”
“Not all fans are bad.”
“Not all fans are good.”
“Not all haters are good.”
“Not all haters are bad.”
“All neutrals are good!”
“…Really?”
‘This isn’t exactly getting anywhere,’ thought Aris. At least the debate wasn’t at the point where she herself would have to leave—when the fur started to fly.
***
Away from the discussion in the Great Hall was a spare room off to the side of the Dibbun dormitories. Past its unlocked door was a neatly made cot and bedspread, an old chair off in a corner, and a small table with a few simple benches, upon which sat the current members of the Neela and Bronte Parody.
All were clearly bored out of their minds as they waited for Aris to come back from the discussion.
“This stinks,” sighed Neela, slumping over and headdesking the table.
“Ditto,” said Songwind as she wrinkled her nose at the musty room.
“We should go do something, wot,” suggested Skystar, the only hare-Dibbun of the parody group.
Lissi, an ottermaid who was currently staring off into space, absentmindedly voiced her own ideas.
“Yes, we could all go and make a gingerbread house or build snowbeasts or I could teach you all how to knit! That would be—“ She suddenly realized that she was the only one in the room. “Fun.”
Lissi glared at the sandstone walls as if it were their fault that the others had left. The little ottermaid disliked it when Dibbuns ignored her—she wasn’t invisible! Feeling miffed, Lissi poked her head outside of the room’s only door and called out, “We can’t make a parody if we’re all separated like this, you know! Well, I hope you’re all happy without me. Hmph!”
***
“The Official Dibbuns’ Pyromaniac Club will now come to order,” announced Skystar.
“Hear, hear,” said Bronte as he waved a paw in a lazy salute. The two Dibbuns had decided to go to an empty hallway on the third floor, well away from any dormitories. They didn’t need Lissi to inform the elders about what they were doing.
“So… Do we have any announcements from anyone, eh?” The hare asked in an overly formal voice.
“Yep. We need supplies with which to carry out our club’s pyromaniac acts.”
“How much of the pyromaniac supplies is left?”
Bronte fished around in his prank bag and only brought up a pawful of lint. Skystar’s smile fell.
“Any drastic measures we can take?”
“We could ask my sister to be in the club—She can make wicked explosions just by accident!”
Skystar wisely decided to backtrack.
“No, we don’t need to go that drastic. I like m’paws the way they are, wot.”
***
“And because they elders are all at their meeting, we have the kitchens all to ourselves!” Neela told Songwind happily as they danced their way down a flight of stairs to the Abbey Kitchens. In hindsight, Songwind thought that this might not be just a good thing, based on the fact that Neela became a ticking time bomb whenever she went near the vicinity of anything roughly involving experimentation, heat, and blunt instruments. Nevertheless, the squirrelmaid preferred death by explosion over death by boredom. Her ottermaid friend stopped and cautiously peeked behind the door to the kitchens to make sure that no one else was in there. Then Neela signaled to Songwind that it was safe and snuck inside, motioning for her friend to follow. After that, activities in the kitchens got a little… Dibbun-crazy.
“I’m going to have a scone with ten spoonfuls of honey! No elders to stop me now, haha!”
“Songwind! I’ve just invented something: candied chestnuts coated with honey, crystallized rose petals, and meadow cream! Now, if I could just light this oven here and—“
“Ah, no need to do that! Mm… This is good just the way it is… As am I so don’t cause me to explode…”
“What? I didn’t quite catch that last part.”
“Nothing, nothing. I’ve just invented, something, too! It’s pure honey mixed with meadow cream, sweetened greensap milk, and some strawberry preserves! Heeheehee… I’m all jittery now!”
“Your invention is brilliant! Must… have… more… SUGAR RUSH!!!”
“Look at me! I can juggle three goblets! And they’re made of glass!” Songwind demonstrated her new skill by jumping atop a nearby table. Unfortunately, she slipped in the process, shattering all of the goblets on the table. Miraculously, she didn’t cut herself and she leaped off the table with an insane grin plastered to her face. Normally, Neela would have noticed this and run to help her friend, but she was too busy using the left over pancake batter from that morning’s breakfast to try to flip a pancake. She was attempting to flip a pancake so that it would stick to the kitchen ceiling. Needless to say, both maids were high on sugar, making a mess, and creating chaos in the kitchens.
If trouble was in the form of fangirls, then they were currently Legolas from the Lord of the Rings and Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter parading through a middle school lunchroom.
This did not bode well for anyone.
***
Meanwhile in the Great Hall, the discussion of Twilight was still taking place, although comments were getting snarkier, more defensive, and tenser. Aris had apparently caught her Dibbun-muses’ feelings of boredom and was now trying to find pictures on the sandstone walls and sconce designs, only half-listening to the talking.
Poor Triss had been trying to choose between joining the fans or the antis ever since the discussion began. When one side made a valid point and convinced her that they were right, she would go to their side. When the opposite side made a valid point as well, she would join them. It was all because she liked the idea of Twilight on account that she felt as though she shared a bit of a connection with Bella Swan, the protagonist both side frequently discussed. Triss also felt that the storyline sounded a bit too perfect and she wanted to be with the other warriormaids of the Redwall continuum—Mariel, Dotti, and Tiria, to name the official ones.
After about twenty times of switching sides, Triss finally sat down by Fwirl in the neutral side and asked her wearily, “Does the fact that I’m switching sides so often make me seem bipolar?”
One of the closest OC fans (not Ella) caught her remark and said loudly, “Seem bipolar? You’re acting more bipolar than the entire cast of ‘Glee’!”
A chorus of Ooh’s, Burn’s, and Ouch’s rang out around the Hall and it took Mhera and quite a few of the Badgerlords to settle everyone down again.
Then things took a turn for a worse between the fan and anti OCs.
“You know why I don’t like Twilight?” asked a badgermaid OC near Aris. “It’s because Bella is a complete and total Mary Sue.”
“Bella isn’t a Mary Sue!” Ella had walked over to the Anti table the moment she had heard the OC’s remark and now she stood in front of the badgermaid looking rather huffy.
“Yes, she is,” said the badgermaid quietly. She looked the obvious Edward fangirl right in the eye. “She is far too perfect and has now flaws of any sort. And she complains far too much.”
“You’re wrong. She is flawed—she’s a total klutz, remember? And she’s plain—she said so herself. Her complaints? Those add humor to the story. It’s Stephenie’s style.”
“Her clumsiness is treated as being cute. That means it isn’t a flaw. She isn’t plain. In the last book, Bella realizes this herself. Complaining isn’t funny. It makes me want to slap the character and the author of the book. Maybe if you had actually read your precious books instead of skipping to the parts with Edward, you would have realized this yourself.”
“You dare! Well—“ Ella drew herself up and glared at the badgermaid. “Don’t get on my nerves, stripedog. You don’t want to find out what happens when you do.”
“Stripedog, is it?” the badgermaid said coolly. “Don’t get on my nerves, either.” Ella noticed that the badgermaid’s eyes were getting a little bit red. The badgermaid stood up and easily towered over Ella. “I’m not one for book burnings, fanbrat, but Twilight made an excellent addition to my camping bonfire, I must say.”
Ella’s jaw dropped in disbelief and then she snarled in anger, “No one burns Stephenie’s books and gets away with it. Fangirls, attack!”
And with that, she launched herself onto the badgermaid.
No one really knew what happened next, but somehow the antis and the fans began fighting, the neutrals got mixed up in the middle as they tried to make peace, the foebeasts in the room snuck out to leave the crazy Abbey, and the Redwall Twilight Brawl began.
Aris found herself a nook away from the fighting and decided to watch (her Sonic Megaphone had been broken by accident as she dodged away from everybeast). From the look of things, it was going to be a while, so she opened her pocket notebook to a new page. On it she wrote, “Things that must not be discussed when talking peaceably about Twilight…”
***
Meanwhile, Lissi was trying to find where in Martin’s name everybeast had vanished. As she rifled through old costume boxes in the Attics (the cast-offs of crossovers once again), the ottermaid sighed a little. It wasn’t much fun to be alone. If she didn’t find the others soon, she would go crazy.
CRICKLE-Crickle-crickle-crackle… CRACK-CRACK-BOOM!
The floor shook underneath her footpaws. As soon as she had steadied herself, Lissi ran back down the attic steps, searching for the source of the explosion. One of the Dibbuns in the parody had done this, she just knew. All the while she kept hearing cracks and pops from the corridors further ahead.
***
“Whoops,” said an ash-covered Skystar faintly as he looked at the smoldering remains of the firework he set off. Bronte shook his head and patted his friend on the shoulder, extinguishing a few of the live sparks that still remained in his fur.
“Never mind, TNT Hare. The audience loved it!” The otter pointed to the growing group of Dibbuns watching them from the opposite end of the hallway, a safe distance away from the pyromaniacs, but still close enough to see the show.
“Where did you get these things, anyway?” asked Skystar as he dusted off his tunic. “They aren’t normal fireworks. I could have sworn that I saw that one that just exploded form the words, ‘stinks for you’ and some sort of disclaimer in the air when I set it off.”
“Weasley’s Wildfire Whiz-bangs,” Bronte proclaimed proudly. He dropped his voice to a confidential whisper as he told the bemused Skystar, “I traded my prank ideas and prank food recipes with the Weasely twins last time I was allowed in the Harry Potter continuum. They gave me a Basic Blaze Box for free. I forgot about it until now.”
The otter laughed at his friend’s confused expression and clapped him on the back. Then he turned away to light a Catherine Wheel which turned an eye-blinding shade of pink. They had used half of the fireworks in the box and were about to light profanity-spelling sparklers when a very high-pitched voice shrieked,
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”
Both pyromaniacs promptly hid the unlit sparklers behind their backs and extinguished the candles.
“Oh hello, Lissi,” Bronte said. “Care to join our fireworks show?”
“No! You idiots could have set the Abbey on fire! You could have killed yourselves!” Lissi angrily grabbed them both by the collar, even though she was a good paw-length shorter than either of them.
“Relax, Lissi-lass,” Skystar tried to peel her paw off of him to no avail. “We had everything perfectly under control. Plus, everybeast had fun, right? Right?” He looked around for the Dibbun audience, but they had run off the moment they had sensed Lissi on the warpath.
“Don’t you two DARE to tell me that you had everything under control. If so, then why are you two covered in soot and burns, and what in Mossflower did you two blow up that made the floors shake? I swear, in the name of Brian Jacques, if you two try to pass this off as a harmless prank, I-I’ll… I’ll report you both to the Abbotts and Abbesses!”
Lissi’s threats weren’t idle. Skystar and Bronte suddenly looked very guilty.
“Well, you see, Lissi,” began Bronte. “Skystar and I sort of had this idea…”
“Go on.”
“Well, uh,” Skystar continued for Bronte, “We wanted to start a, uh…”
“A what?”
Bronte summoned up all of his courage and told her in a rush, “Apyromaniacclub.”
“A WHAT?” The males winced as her sharp claws dug into their shoulders.
“Ow! A pyromaniac club,” Bronte said more slowly. Lissi pushed the two pyromaniacs back and let go of them, glowering at them darkly.
“You two are the biggest idiots of Redwall Abbey,” She held up a paw to silence them as they tried to respond and made a disgusted face. “I don’t even want to know where you got those fireworks from. All I want to happen is that you stop what you’re doing, help me find Neela and Songwind, and NEVER try to do this again. Honestly, do you both want to die prematurely?” She said this all softly, but Bronte and Skystar sill understood her point, especially when she emphasized her words with her claws.
“Yes’m,” the former members of the Pyromaniac Club muttered. All three Dibbuns quickly cleaned up the hallway and then set off downstairs to find the last two parodists of the group.
***
The last two parodists, in fact, were currently busy turning the Abbey Kitchens into a warzone. Tabletops were coated in batter, ovens plastered with meadowcream and who-knows-what-else, and in the middle of it all stood two very sugarcoated maids. They were busy trying to wrestle a pan of gloop that vaguely resembled a doughy version of Redwall Abbey into a nearby oven.
As soon as they finished, they dusted off their flour-covered paws and turned to find Skystar standing in the door of the kitchens, gaping at the mess.
“Why, hello, Skystar!” giggled Songwind. “Want some of our Abbey Cake?”
Skystar gulped audibly and called out into the hallway, “I found them! You aren’t going to like this, either…”
With the sound of scampering footpaws came Bronte and Lissi running towards the Kitchens from their previous searching spots. Bronte got to Skystar first, did a double take at the mess, and then groaned. Lissi finally arrived and practically burst into tears when she saw the state of the once-clean Kitchens. Bronte patted her on the shoulder awkwardly.
“Don’t worry, Lissi. At least they didn’t explode things.”
Somebeast must have declared that day “Intercontinuum Irony Day”, because no sooner had the words left his mouth when the oven containing the Abbey Cake promptly made a muffled booming noise (as if a certain pastry had burst) and then the oven fell apart into several smoldering pieces.
That finally jarred Neela and Songwind out of their sugar high. Slightly.
“Oopsie!” said Neela nervously, looking at the wreck.
To make matters worse, the meeting in Great Hall had finally ended, causing a rush of elders and Young ‘Uns out into the hallways. Many of which were now traveling towards the Kitchens.
“Tell me,” said Bronte slowly as all five of the Dibbuns listened to the growing chatter move closer to them. “How much trouble will we get in if we stay here and ‘fess, instead of running like mad up to the dorms and cleaning up?”
Everybeast looked at each other and came to the same conclusion. Quickly and quietly, in less than the amount of time that somebeast could scream, “WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KITCHENS?” the Dibbuns had scampered up the stairs to the dormitories, cleaned themselves up, and were once again respectable-looking by the time Aris found them in the spare room, innocently reading from purloined copies of Watership Down.
Something about them must have tipped her off, though, because she was grinning wickedly.
“…’And above all the will to accept their fate,’” finished a much calmer Neela as she looked up to see the squirrelmaid. “Hi, Aris. How did the meeting go?”
“Oh, it was fine, fine,” she said, still grinning. “There was a bit of a scuffle about the Twilight Saga, but they finally all agreed to put the books in the library, as long as the parodies are placed on the same shelf next to them. Well, actually they all agreed after Ma Mellus threatened them all with forced-feedings of Slipp’s cooking if they didn’t stop fighting. So, what happened to you five? Did anything, eh, interesting happen?”
“Nope,” lied Bronte with a straight face. “We stayed in here the whole time and read classic literature.” Songwind snorted, then looked mortified and attempted to look as innocent as possible.
“I see,” Aris glanced at Songwind. “So I suppose that explains why you’ve all bathed without being threatened by me and why Bronte and Skystar have singed whiskers, hmm?” Suddenly, all of the Dibbuns looked extremely uncomfortable. Aris grinned even more wickedly, (if that was even possible), and she couldn’t resist adding, “Also, there are reports from the other Dibbuns of an otter and a hare supposedly giving a fireworks show indoors. Oh, and the thirty or so friars and cooks downstairs have been yelling for the last half-hour about their destroyed Kitchens. No, that couldn’t have been my sweet, polite, Dibbun friends, could it?”
The “sweet, polite, Dibbun friends” shook their heads, unable to say “no” because of the fear that the true story would spill out. Their squirrel friend looked at them all in amusement.
“Well, I believe you, then. Say, why don’t you take a break from your reading? I have a job for you all.”
“What kind of job?” asked Skystar, relieved that the subject had changed.
“You’re going to be secret messengers for a few acquaintances of mine. All you’ll have to do is help me and bring letters and such to them.”
“That sounds simple enough,” Bronte said, scratching his forehead.
“I guess," mused Aris. Then she brightened, as if she’d just remembered something. “Guess what I got at the meeting!”
Instead of waiting for an answer, she held out her notepad. On it were scribbled several names or markings that were meant to be names.
“I got autographs! Yay!”
The Dibbuns gave Aris quizzical looks.
“Uh, Aris?” asked Lissi. “You know everyone lives here or lives close to here. You can get autographs or see them everyday.”
“I know,” sighed Aris. “It’s just my fanatic tendencies. Well, I’ll tell you more about your jobs next time I visit. Off you go, now!”
She motioned for them to leave, shutting the door to the spare room as she walked out behind them.
It had been an interesting day.
***
Totals:
4,647 Words
147 Paragraphs
11½ Written Pages
2 Hyper Dibbun-muses
1 Exhausted Writer
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