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Date Posted: 07:00:17 03/26/03 Wed
Author: dqfan
Subject: Re: Say the Words - ch.28
In reply to: dqfan 's message, "Re: Say the Words - ch.27" on 06:50:01 03/26/03 Wed

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT


Sophie lay face down on the bed in the darkened room, surrounded by a blackness that fittingly matched her mood. Her tears, which previously seemed endless, had now gone dry. And her body, which shook convulsively as she struggled to catch her breath between each sob, now lay frightfully still - all except for her hands, which continued to clutch tightly to the mattress on either side of the bed…the only reality Sophie could be sure of.

For over 24 hours, she had cried every drop of moisture from her body - cried every sorrow from her soul. Sophie cried for her mother and Philip; she cried for the children she would never have; she cried for the time lost with her father; and, most of all, she cried over Peter.

Sophie had cried so long and so hard, that her eyelids were swollen virtually shut, her eyes throbbing like pulsating daggers within their sockets. Still, her breathing had steadied as an eerie numbness began to overtake her body. Sophie welcomed it - praying that the paralysis would soon reach her heart. For there was nothing left to cry for, no hurt left unexplored, and no place left to run. There, in the darkness, it was just Sophie, alone with her mistakes, wondering where her life could go from here.

All the plans she'd finally allowed herself to make…They were gone now - wiped away in a flash. One minute she'd been happily discussing her wedding dress and the next…boom! Peter…her father…the lies. How had everything become so disastrously intertwined?

If she lay quietly on the bed a while longer, would the morning's sunrise prove this had all been just some horrible nightmare?

"Ssshh, don't wake her, Mei-Ling…" Sophie heard a small voice whisper, while at the same time she felt something soft being placed snugly beside her.

"Just keep her company…Mommy says her heart's sad…" The tiny voice was so gentle, so pure, that Sophie reached beyond herself to open her eyes.

With a small ray of light now shining in from the outer hallway, Sophie blinked repeatedly to focus her vision. The angelic face of a worried little girl came slowly into view.

"Gracie," Sophie smiled weakly, releasing her grip on the mattress long enough to beckon her unexpected guest closer.

Cautiously, Sophie lifted her head off the pillow and rolled over to gain a better view of the "gift" Gracie had brought her.

"Who's this?" she asked tenderly, stroking the doll's soft black hair and running her finger along its rosy cheeks.

"That's Mei-Ling," Gracie chimed enthusiastically, relieved that Sophie wasn't mad she had entered without knocking first. "She's my best friend. She's a real good listener. Maybe your heart won't be so sad if you talk to her?"

"You think so?" Sophie's voice was hoarse as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek with the back of her hand, but she tried to sound optimistic for Gracie's benefit.

With effort, Sophie slid herself back against the headboard and sat relatively straight. Placing Mei-Ling upright on her lap, Sophie shook the doll's hand politely. "It's very nice to meet you Mei-Ling…"

"Mei-Ling listens better over ice cream…" Gracie whispered her little secret.

Sophie smiled at Gracie's subtle hint, overcome by the sweet girl's touching concern. Annie had been so understanding and hospitable when Sophie had shown up, distraught and homeless, searching for refuge.

Furious at Peter's accusation that she was running away again, Sophie had startled poor Mr. McCord half out of his wits, when, a mile from the highway on-ramp, she'd shouted for him to turn his cab into Rusty's parking lot.

Annie's generous offer of her spare upstairs bedroom sounded perfect. All Sophie needed was a place to think…and cry. "Think and cry…" the words rattled around in her aching head. Well, at the moment, Sophie had little strength to do either.

"So, maybe the three of us should go downstairs and get some?" Sophie suggested feebly, thrilling both Gracie and, presumably, Mei-Ling.

"Mei-Ling says yes," Gracie nodded eagerly, taking Sophie's hand.

"Okay, let's go…" Sophie clutched Mei-Ling tightly to her chest, groaning slightly as she lifted herself gently off the bed.

Then, summoning the most cheerful face she could possibly manage, Sophie, Gracie, and Mei-Ling set off on Sophie's first trek out of the darkness…

^^^^^^^^^

"He's known for over a month…" Halfway through her second pint of Rocky Road, Sophie finally stopped drowning her sorrow in ice cream long enough to pierce the air with her spoon, punctuating her total exasperation.

She sat at Rusty's bar with her back towards the door. On the opposite side of the counter, facing her, were Annie, Gracie and Mei-Ling, each with their own pint of ice cream, each listening intently to Sophie's lament.

"He's been lying for over a month!" she repeated, swallowing as she took a breath between bites.

"Mommy says lying is wrong…" Gracie piped up, pleased to contribute to the conversation.

"Exactly!" Sophie ranted. "What kind of a relationship can we have if he lies to me?" she sighed hopelessly.

"Maybe he didn't mean to lie?" Annie ventured with care, searching for some way to heal the rift between her two friends, who so obviously loved each other.

Suddenly the bell on the door chimed, signaling the arrival of a customer.

"Damn," Annie muttered low to Sophie, "Forgot to put up the closed sign…"

"Sorry, we're closed…" Annie announced across the room.

"Oh, I just wanted a cup of coffee. Not important…" the man explained, about to leave.

Sophie knew the voice immediately and swiveled her chair around to face him. "Dad?"

Alexander turned at once, startled by the sight of his wayward daughter who should, by all rights, be changing planes in Tokyo about now.

"Sophie…" he greeted awkwardly, trying to recover from his surprise.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, making no move from her chair.

"I could say the same thing about you," Alexander replied, still unnerved but incredibly relieved to have found her.

"Well, I can see you two have a lot to talk about," Annie took the first opportunity she could to extricate herself and Gracie from what looked to be a serious father-daughter talk. "C'mon, Gracie, time for bed…"

"But Mei-Ling…" Gracie pouted with disappointment that her late-night ice cream escapade was over.

"Needs to go to bed, too…" Annie reminded her daughter sternly. "Now, say goodnight to everyone…"

"Night…" Gracie repeated with great reluctance.

"Night sweetie," Sophie smiled gently.

"And, you were right…" Sophie added, whispering across the counter to Gracie as if it were their little secret, "Mei-Ling is a good listener…"

"Told you…" Gracie whispered back, eyeing her mother and Alexander as intruders on their private conversation.

Alexander gave Gracie a friendly wave goodbye and received a shy tiny one in return as Annie scooped her daughter and Mei-Ling into her arms and carried them off to bed.

"You wanted coffee…" Sophie mumbled nervously, jumping out of her chair to grab the pot from the stove.

"No need to go to any trouble…" Alexander's voice held the same nervousness as Sophie's but he continued walking toward her and purposefully took a seat at the counter nonetheless.

"No trouble…" Sophie shook her head, pouring him a cup. "I could use some myself after all this ice cream."

With that, Sophie poured herself a cup as well and took the seat Annie had recently vacated.

The silence was heavy as the two sat on opposite sides of the counter each hoping the other would speak first.

"You always did like ice cream…" Alexander smiled, licking a drop of melting ice cream from Sophie's carton with his finger.

"Would you like some?" Sophie began searching for a bowl.

"No, thanks, Honey, the coffee'll be just fine," Alexander stopped Sophie by placing his hand gently over hers.

It had been over three years since Sophie had heard Alexander call her "Honey," or felt the reassuring touch of a father's hand. All of a sudden, she felt like a shy little girl again.

Uncomfortably, Sophie snatched her hand away, making a quick excuse. "Annie keeps the cream and sugar down here somewhere…"

"I like my coffee black…" Alexander smiled, determined to make the most of this opportunity to renew his relationship with his daughter.

"Sorry…forgot…" Sophie's smile was a bit forced but at least she was trying to meet him halfway, Alexander noted hopefully.

"Easy to forget…it's been a while…" Hesitantly, Alexander began to bring up the past.

"Three years…" Sophie said softly, taking a sip from her cup.

"I was surprised to see you in the city today…" Alexander had promised he would plead Peter's case to Sophie and he intended to keep that promise.

"Not as surprised as I was to see you with Peter," she quipped with a frown.

"So what's the story with you two?" Alexander nudged, hoping she would open up to him.

"We have history…" Reflexively, Sophie gave the stock answer she always cited whenever anyone pried into her relationship with Peter.

"Seven years of it, so I heard…" Alexander remarked, his eyebrow raised in admiration at their longevity.

"He told you?" Angrily, Sophie wondered what else Peter had told her father about them, feeling violated by the mere fact of their conversation.

"Told me a lot…" Alexander detailed, satisfying Sophie's curiosity.

"How much he loves you…how much he needs you…" Sophie felt her heart warm in spite of her anger, hearing Peter's feelings described so openly.

"And…how many times you've left him," Alexander added honestly, breaking Sophie's reverie. "Same as always…"

Alexander had intended for his last comment to provoke Sophie into revealing her true emotions and he succeeded, perhaps more than he bargained for…

"Same old Sophie…" Sophie repeated sharply. "Same as always…"

Slamming her mug on the counter, Sophie started bitterly toward the upstairs exit. Instantly, Alexander blocked her path.

"But this time isn't the same as always, is it, Honey?" Alexander's tone softened now that he'd made his point and broken through Sophie's stoic reserve.

"You love him, too…You agreed to marry him…" he noted quietly.

"It was a mistake…" Sophie shook her head, fighting a fresh batch of tears.

Her escape thwarted, Sophie avoided Alexander's gaze by returning to her coffee cup and the safe distance the counter placed between them.

"If it was a mistake, you'd be a lot farther than the local diner by now," Alexander noted observantly.

"Annie's a friend," Sophie proclaimed as if the fact justified her actions.

"So you've got a job here…friends…someone who loves you…" Alexander astutely summarized Sophie's blessings.

"Sounds perfect to me," he pressed further, pushing all the right buttons to bring Sophie's bottled-up emotions to the surface. He might never have this opportunity again and Alexander intended to make the most of his last chance to be the kind of father Sophie deserved.

"Well, it's not perfect!" Sophie shouted, so overcome by her anger and frustration that she began to pace like a trapped animal.

"If it were perfect, Peter wouldn't have lied to me," she began shakily.

"If it were perfect I wouldn't have to keep proving to him how much I love him…If it were perfect I could…" Sophie stopped her tirade and stared hurtfully into her father's eyes as the tears began pouring down her cheeks.

"Yes? Go on…" Alexander needled, determined to have all the pain and recriminations out in the open at last. Once again, he confronted her face to face, leaving her no way out, leaving her no where to run.

"If it were perfect you could?" he encouraged, placing his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him.

Suddenly Sophie felt a dam burst within her, and the anger she'd so zealously protected Alexander from all these years, broke free. For the first time, she allowed him to see the depth of her pain and suffering, for the first time she voiced the blame she'd carried in her heart.

"If it were perfect, I could give him a child - our child. But I can't…" Sophie sobbed, hitting Alexander's chest with her fist, "because of you."

Alexander closed his eyes, absorbing the fierce blow of Sophie's accusation. It didn't matter that he'd blamed himself for years, it didn't even matter that neither of them could ever know if it were true, all that mattered was that Sophie had finally released the anger she been sublimating for years.

Stunned by her outburst and the overwhelming honesty of her own emotions, Sophie stood paralyzed by the swirling mix of feelings she was experiencing. He was her father…he had been there for her when no one else had - even her mother. Yet, his preoccupation with his own career and marital strife, however justifiable or benign, may very well have cost Sophie her chance at motherhood.

Unable to face him, Sophie turned her back on Alexander and held tightly to the nearest chair in a valiant attempt to cure a sudden wave of nausea.

Struggling to compose himself, Alexander walked toward Sophie and placed his hand on her trembling shoulder. "Now you know…" he whispered softly.

"Know?" Sophie choked out the question.

"Now you know why I wanted you to fly back for your mother's funeral," Alexander explained, choosing his words carefully. "

"Nobody's perfect, Sophie… Your mother wasn't… But, neither was I…" he admitted freely. "I'm so sorry, Honey."

Sophie felt a hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach, as if her mother had just died all over again. Sophie felt the loss even more powerfully now, truly mourning her passing. Ironically, none of Sophie's goddesses of wisdom had seen fit to provide her with the wisdom she'd gained in the last five minutes - wisdom that had come to Alexander much too late.

"I don't know if it would have made a difference if I'd taken you to the doctor's sooner," Alexander continued, his voice cracking with guilt.

"I asked them, you know…" he revealed, to Sophie's great surprise.

"But they told me it was impossible to know for certain…that I should forget about blaming myself and focus on helping you get well…Guess I haven't done a very good job…" Alexander commented wryly.

"You did the best you could…" Sophie acknowledged graciously, an exhausted calmness returning to her breathing.

"No," Alexander denied vehemently. "I took the easy way. Now, the best I can do is make sure you don't make a mistake as big as mine."

"Please, Sophie," he begged. "This relationship…this love you have with Peter is real…it's solid…it's something people search their whole lives for, Honey."

Sophie shook her head, as she tried to make her father understand. "I'm not running away this time. I've made a life here for myself and I intend to keep it. That life just won't include Peter…"

"Why?" Alexander implored desperately.

"You remember," she considered thoughtfully, "when I said we had history? Well, I think maybe we have too much history…He lied to me because he was afraid I'd leave him…"

Alexander nodded sympathetically but turned the tables with a surprising question, "Haven't you ever lied to him because you were afraid?"

"No!" Sophie answered without thinking.

"So, you told him at the beginning of your relationship that you couldn't have children?" Alexander knew his daughter so well he was willing to gamble he was right. The subject of her infertility was one that Sophie rarely shared with anyone.

"If you mean did I tell him seven years ago, no…" Sophie argued defensively, once she realized where her father was heading.

"All right, yes, it took me a little while to tell him, but that's not something you just blurt out to a man," she rationalized.

"So, maybe you took your time…thought about how you'd say it…wondered about his reaction…about whether he might change his mind…" Alexander gently offered a scenario Sophie recognized instantly.

"Seems to me, that's a pretty natural thing for anybody to do," he continued, hoping that if Sophie's love for Peter was as strong as he thought it was, she would undoubtedly see her own actions reflected in Peter's sudden panic.

Sophie slumped into a chair, finding it exhausting to think and stand at the same time. Too much was happening too fast. The two most important men in the world to her were professing to know her inside and out. "This will make Sophie angry…" "This will make Sophie run…" Wasn't it wonderful that they seemed to know her so well when she couldn't even be sure how she felt or what she wanted right now?

Her love for both of them was unquestionable but at the moment they were both asking too much. Sophie felt as if she were on a tightrope, with her father at one end and Peter at the other, each shaking the wire dangerously as she crossed. Her father wanted to be her confidant, penitently seeking absolution for his guilt. And Peter, he wanted to be her protector, seemingly at whatever cost to their relationship. Each loved her, she was sure of it; but for now, Sophie needed time to come to terms with all that had happened.

"I need to do some thinking, Dad," Sophie said quietly, placing her head tiredly in her hands.

"Sure, Honey," Alexander soothed, placing his hand gently on her shoulder. "I'm staying at the motel in town if you need me."

"What about your tour?" Sophie wondered, surprised to hear he was staying.

"I cancelled it - all except for Agnes," Alexander smiled. "That'll be my last show... for my girl."

"The 'Birds'll meet me back here in a month," he explained, adding irresistibly, "by the way, I could really use a crew to train with 'til they get back - if you're interested…."

Sophie smiled weakly, appreciating her father's attempt to brighten her mood. "I'll think about it…" she answered softly.

"Think about Peter, too, okay?" Alexander beseeched her one final time on his way out - though he needn't have worried, for Sophie would do little else tonight.

Peering through the pane glass door, Alexander watched as his daughter rested her weary head on the countertop, too tired to climb the stairs to bed.

Sighing heavily, Alexander walked the short distance to the motel. He'd done the best that he could…for his own conscience, for Maureen's memory, for Sophie's healing, and for Peter's love.

Sophie had listened to it all. Now the rest was up to her…

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