| Subject: Re: Eintou |
Author:
Frank
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Date Posted: 18:49:31 10/30/03 Thu
In reply to:
Akintiunde
's message, "Re: Eintou" on 17:51:31 01/01/03 Wed
Computer und Fernsehen machen dumm und krank>Sister Bonita:
>
>After going over your effort several times, I like
>what this Eintou says to me. The interpretations I
>get from it are powerful and weigh heavily.
>
>I can understand what Yvonne means about Eintou # 2,
>and she has a point. What it boils down to me is: how
>much do you want to reveal? Do you want to draw on
>the reader's emotions or do you want the effort to
>have impact upon the reader? Neither case, in my view
>takes away from the effort itself. It seems to me to
>be a matter of dimensions.
>
>I also understand and respect your position regarding
>revision. I have heard of poets who did not revise
>much, and it did not take away from their power as
>poets. I am a consummate revisor. To me a poem is
>never done! Some see that as a fault that I have,
>others do not. It seems to be a matter of what one is
>comfortable with.
>
>Therefore, do not take what follows as suggestions for
>revision necessarily. These are just observations,
>giving a look at the matter from a different set of
>eyes.
>
>Eulogy for Bubba
>
>brother,
>you and i were
>to build an empire
>based on friendship and loyalty.
>but, they came for me first
>and locked me in
>this cell.
>
>now i
>sit here weeping
>apologizing, that
>on that fatal night i was not
>there, in your time of need,
>having your back.
>i'm here.
>
>Here to me it seemed this second sequence lacked the
>eintouic power of the first in terms of impact. This
>seems to be a shift from impact to emotion, and in
>this it ran a bit long. If you are to keep it,
>consider seeing where you might be able to pare down
>the wording. Some places clashed on my read (the
>proximity of "that" of L3 and "that" of L4 clashed a
>bit, but I don't know if there is a fix for it). Some
>of the second sequence seemed almost not needed to
>support or get across the sentiment: "now I sit here"
>and "i'm here" seemed to say the same things in terms
>of the persona's physical location. I am thinking
>there may be away to link the second sequence to the
>third in the form of a lead in. I use the technique
>quite often in my Eintous to show interconnectedness.
>It may be appropriate here within the sentiment of
>this effort to show a sort of symbolic
>interconnectedness between the persona and the
>subject. Kind of like they are connected despite all
>that separates them (life, the subject's death). If
>that makes any sense.
>
>something like "without" as the last line of the
>second sequence and "a way" as the opening of the
>third sequence. This I do not think disrupts the
>sentiment of the effort and removes the redundancy of
>the physical location of the persona.
>
>no way
>to touch your box,
>saying goodbye, to you.----> here I found the "to you"
>not needed. We can gather that. use this place to
>offer something powerful
>
>Also: if you accept the recommendation above, consider
>changing "saying" of this line to "to say" to add
>consistency with "to touch" and "to be"
>
>no way i could escape this cell,
>to be the first to cast
>the dirt, and say
>goodbye.
>
>The "good byes" clash in the last sequence. The
>persona tells us he wanted to say good bye twice. I
>could not reconcile that on my reads. Is there a way
>to remove the second good bye and end the effort more
>powerfully? Something that might tie the whole
>sentiment tightly? I think there may be a way.
>Something along the line of mourning to close the
>effort out perhaps?
>
>All in all I like the way it moves me.
>
>
>bonita penn copyright december 2002
>in memory of bubba and a tirbute to aaron
>
>I hope I was helpful sister
>
>Akintiunde
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