| Subject: Re: Eintou |
Author:
Akintiunde
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Date Posted: 17:51:31 01/01/03 Wed
In reply to:
bonita
's message, "Eintou" on 09:32:22 12/31/02 Tue
Sister Bonita:
After going over your effort several times, I like what this Eintou says to me. The interpretations I get from it are powerful and weigh heavily.
I can understand what Yvonne means about Eintou # 2, and she has a point. What it boils down to me is: how much do you want to reveal? Do you want to draw on the reader's emotions or do you want the effort to have impact upon the reader? Neither case, in my view takes away from the effort itself. It seems to me to be a matter of dimensions.
I also understand and respect your position regarding revision. I have heard of poets who did not revise much, and it did not take away from their power as poets. I am a consummate revisor. To me a poem is never done! Some see that as a fault that I have, others do not. It seems to be a matter of what one is comfortable with.
Therefore, do not take what follows as suggestions for revision necessarily. These are just observations, giving a look at the matter from a different set of eyes.
Eulogy for Bubba
brother,
you and i were
to build an empire
based on friendship and loyalty.
but, they came for me first
and locked me in
this cell.
now i
sit here weeping
apologizing, that
on that fatal night i was not
there, in your time of need,
having your back.
i'm here.
Here to me it seemed this second sequence lacked the eintouic power of the first in terms of impact. This seems to be a shift from impact to emotion, and in this it ran a bit long. If you are to keep it, consider seeing where you might be able to pare down the wording. Some places clashed on my read (the proximity of "that" of L3 and "that" of L4 clashed a bit, but I don't know if there is a fix for it). Some of the second sequence seemed almost not needed to support or get across the sentiment: "now I sit here" and "i'm here" seemed to say the same things in terms of the persona's physical location. I am thinking there may be away to link the second sequence to the third in the form of a lead in. I use the technique quite often in my Eintous to show interconnectedness. It may be appropriate here within the sentiment of this effort to show a sort of symbolic interconnectedness between the persona and the subject. Kind of like they are connected despite all that separates them (life, the subject's death). If that makes any sense.
something like "without" as the last line of the second sequence and "a way" as the opening of the third sequence. This I do not think disrupts the sentiment of the effort and removes the redundancy of the physical location of the persona.
no way
to touch your box,
saying goodbye, to you.----> here I found the "to you" not needed. We can gather that. use this place to offer something powerful
Also: if you accept the recommendation above, consider changing "saying" of this line to "to say" to add consistency with "to touch" and "to be"
no way i could escape this cell,
to be the first to cast
the dirt, and say
goodbye.
The "good byes" clash in the last sequence. The persona tells us he wanted to say good bye twice. I could not reconcile that on my reads. Is there a way to remove the second good bye and end the effort more powerfully? Something that might tie the whole sentiment tightly? I think there may be a way. Something along the line of mourning to close the effort out perhaps?
All in all I like the way it moves me.
bonita penn copyright december 2002
in memory of bubba and a tirbute to aaron
I hope I was helpful sister
Akintiunde
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