VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 08:29:20 09/18/02 Wed
Author: sp99
Author Host/IP: pool-63.53.97.120.nwrk.grid.net / 63.53.97.120
Subject: Re: Cherished Dreams
In reply to: Raphaela 's message, "Re: Cherished Dreams" on 08:11:00 09/18/02 Wed

I could never ignore your very valid comments Raphaela
and of course I do appreciate them very much and thought
I expressed that because there is ALWAYS worth in what
you say and yes, perhaps your comments will inspire me
to do a rewrite that could improve the poem...*grin*.
Thanks!!! Susanne

>I understood the metaphor and why you used it and it
>is not nature itself I found archaic but your use of
>language eg 'tided'. Sometimes, if wishing to use
>that kind of imagery, it is best to talk about a
>natural situation but have the underlying theme (i.e.
>the nature of friendship) underpinning it and this
>could also become obvious by the use of an extended
>metaphor. This subtle way of writing can often be
>more powerful than when something is spelt out.
>Sometimes when the meter is broken or the flow
>interrupted then the effect becomes less. Just my
>feedback, feel free to ignore.
>
>Raphaela
>
>
>
>
>
>>I can appreciate what you say Raphaela. However this
>>is a poem that is a accumulation of friendship and
>>a growing love and knowing or hoping that ocean tides
>>is a past, present and hopefully future occurrence of
>>Nature is why I used it not thinking an everlasting
>>occurrence was stilted and archaic for a first time of
>>physical relations where they do not know yet if they
>>shall reach fulfillment....however, I also take your
>>feelings very seriously and under
>>advisement....thanks!!!
>
>
>>Susanne>I know the picture you are writing for and can
>>>envisage the scene. However, I personally found the
>>>language somewhat stilted and archaic -
>>>
>>>'We have ebbed and tided'
>>>
>>>it doesn't sound like the language of lovers about to
>>>reach fulfillment.
>>>
>>>Just my thoughts but good to see you post.
>>>
>>>Raphaela
>>>
>>>
>>>

>>>>CHERISHED DREAMS


>>>>We have ebbed and tided
>>>>For many a month now
>>>>While friendship deepened
>>>>Since from a knowing start, felt the know.
>>>>
>>>>That gives a special glow
>>>>Coming from deeply within
>>>>Building up for tonight,
>>>>Results of us feeling sanguine.
>>>>
>>>>As I look at you as you I
>>>>Gossamer thoughts beam in-between
>>>>For invisible streams flowing of us,
>>>>In reality, becoming a cherished dream.
>>>>
>>>>Without sound, a duo yes is voiced
>>>>As you approach with deep thoughts
>>>>Encircling my waist with quiet strength,
>>>>Drawing my body to meld with yours
>>>>Your neck bends towards mine arched .. for your
>lips.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>© SP&*_*&99
>>>>13sept'02~smb.powell
>>>>
>>>>A response to a Mutington's Meadow
>>>>"Picture challenge" C ~ http://voy.com/7622/


[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]
[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.