Re: Forever Of Time ~ slight rewrite of ~ -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 09:23:11 08/05/02 Mon
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB09a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.171
Subject: Re: Forever Of Time ~ slight rewrite of ~
In reply to: SuSanne 's message, "Forever Of Time ~ slight rewrite of ~" on 08:59:03 08/05/02 Mon

I think this reads much better Susanne. I haven't time to check through the previous versions to see amendments but I just read it through twice and found it had a smoother flow.

The only line that nagged with me was

'Of tiny seahorses and fish being fished by huge whales'

I like the image it is just the repetition of 'being fished' - not sure if you were particularly after alliteration but I don't think whales so much fish as prey, or eat, even devour - it gives personification but not sure that works so well here. Just a thought.

Otherwise much improved in my humble opinion. I have to admire your perserverance and desire to improve your craft. That is why I prefer honest and supportive critiques rather than just flattering comments as that way we all help each other in a supportive way and hopefully improve along the way.

Raphaela

>Slight rewrite
>
>FOREVER OF TIME
>
>
>I see the forever of time
>Standing upon the cutting bow,
>Of this, in the night�s passing ship
>Carrying cargos of seeds to sow.. >color=teal>
>
>Heading towards an evening sky
>In air so still as freshness crisp,
>Horizonal lines of navy blue to azure
>Being softened by horizon's mist. >color=navy>
>
>A crescent moon placed in blue
>Is a heavenly beacon of light
>Shinning an everlasting sideways smile,
>Promoting feelings of so right �s bright.. >color=teal>
>
>A solitary seagull on its seven-year quest
>Glides along with this humming ship
>As if a harbinger of good from above
>In this scenario of a spirit survivor's ocean trip.
>
>
>While phosphorus dances amongst sea waves
>Above miles to go across forever brimming life
>Of tiny seahorses and fish being fished by huge whales
>Representing much good .. that comes along with
>strife.
>
>
>� SuSanne &*_*&
>
>26.7.02-smb.powell
>All rights reserved
>
> "Above miles to go across forever brimming life"
>
>I realized upon spell checking,
>of this line that just flowed from me
>strongly hints of Robert Frost,
>of who I greatly admire but was not thinking
>of when I wrote this line.
>

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