Re: Visual Eyes of the 25 -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 08:40:25 07/08/02 Mon
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB09a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.171
Subject: Re: Visual Eyes of the 25
In reply to: SuSanne 's message, "Visual Eyes of the 25" on 16:16:36 07/07/02 Sun

I have to say I agree with Al here. He has taken the time to point out some of the weaker elements of the poem and, if the reader is confused, the message may not be getting through clearly - even if we as writers know what we mean to say.

My time is limited just now so I cannot analyse in detail - however it does read as more of a rant. You could develop these points, work with some imagery, maybe even the meter, to give it a more even flow - or the subject matter would blend itself to a rap style. I just don't feel that it reads as finished.

Raphaela

> >color=navy>
>VISUAL EYES OF THE 25
>
>
>The advertisement cries out
>To one down on their luck
>Letting them know even good people
>Are unlucky enough to have bad credit
>Which these Lenders are glad to repair!
>If `hard luck Charlie' or Charlene
>Wants a car to get to work
>Soothing without small print mentioning
>How they rape you with interest
>So if or when the car breaks down
>It forces double payments
>For nothing that can be seen
>Except possibilities in the long run,
>Robbing Perk's life.
>
>For again Perk's time to earn
>Overtime money, went before Lent
>As now living time is commuting
>Bus after bus or maybe a train or two
>Mayhap a train, bus, train
>To bus, train, bus of what a bust.
>Sometimes adding mental pain,
>Other times, what a humanity gain
>If enjoying having a people view
>Of connections, but then there are those
>Quiet of heart breaking times,
>When one so prays, for another's child,
>Not being able to touch or hug.
>
>So good and still was he,
>Yet upset enough
>To make a small fuss in the back of the bus
>After being forced from a favored front seat.
>Then quiet again until a quick cry of no�ooo
>As he's dragged off, the number 25.
>
>Was it leaving air conditioning
>In 99 degrees of Midnight?
>Or watching the sidewalks go by
>Without him walking upon them?
>Could it possibly be,
>His Mother works the streets?
>Or just is an everyday cranky
>Hard working factory worker,
>Who had just treated him to a movie?
>But that very last cry after a brief ride
>Leaves his sweet self intertwined
>Forevermore of verse in prayers
>Of unshed tears imprinted deeply
>Within this soul's .. Visual eyes.
>
>
>
>� SuSanne &*_*&
>
>3.7.02~smb.powell
>Draft 1~all rights reserved
>
>
>*...Perk's....* I believe a slang term
>used by those of somewhat shady trades,
>when speaking of their potential victims???
>
>

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Replies:

Re: Visual Eyes of the 25 -- CJ, 09:07:56 07/08/02 Mon