Re: Does She Complain -- Unicorn

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, [8], 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 09:27:25 07/08/02 Mon
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB09a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.171
Subject: Re: Does She Complain
In reply to: Harmony 's message, "Does She Complain" on 19:41:48 07/07/02 Sun

The rhythm and rhyme gives this a smooth flow until the last stanza, particularly the last line, when it jars - I think this is often the problem of trying to fit a rhyme scheme. Although the tone is lighter than in some of your earlier poems, I think that some of the vocabulary 'erudition' conflicts with the otherwise simple style of the poem. Also the line 'Your laying down so soon the sweetest price?' - I think needs to be slightly shorter so as to keep with the flow of the rest of the stanza. Just my thoughts - ignore at will ;) However, I have enjoyed the read.

Raphaela

>Does She Complain?
>
>Does she complain that her depth exceeds
>The modest length of your dearest deeds?
>Does she conspire to whisper rank and low,
>That your most wanton rhythm is too slow?
>
>Does she protest that your erudition
>Be more agile than sublime position?
>Does she denounce with vitriolic spice
>Your laying down so soon the sweetest price?
>
>Does she decry with bitter, angry prose
>Your entrance swift into deep repose?
>If she does, give her this thought to savor:
>Love's noble pleasure loses its flavor
>When thus sentenced to suffer hard labor.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Re: Does She Complain -- SandDollar, 11:07:15 07/08/02 Mon