Re: Begins To Rise ~ new version -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 23:46:56 06/15/02 Sat
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheM04b.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.194.14
Subject: Re: Begins To Rise ~ new version
In reply to: sp99 's message, "Re: Begins To Rise ~ new version" on 09:54:04 06/15/02 Sat

Well 'skin' works better than 'epidermis'.

Although this still needs amending slightly to be gramatically - you need to lose an 's' off explores. Perhaps even make it more personal, as the rest of the poem has been in the first person. 'as my skin rubs against yours' or 'the touch of your skin as it brushes against mine' etc. as it tends to be the hands or tongue that explores rather than the skin.

R

Just a thought. ;)

While different skins explores,

>>an interesting metaphor, conjured up a variety of
>images >from penknives to sabres.
>
>>Sensual and subtle, leaving the reader like a voyeur
>>wanting more.
>
>>Not sure about the word 'epidermis' - perhaps could
>use >skin or suitable imagery to convey point in style
>you
>>have chosen.
>
>>Look forward to the rest. Raphaela
>
>Funny Raphaela, I also wondered about 'epidermis' so I
>thought about it and below is what I came up with, I
>thank you much for your comment, hope you like the new
>version?;-p SuSanne
>
>
>BEGINS TO RISE
>
>
>We realized without speech
>Needed,
>For a long awaited shine
>Of our special first time
>Was now here, to be gone.
>
>As midnight of silk
>Whispered off my shoulders
>To perch on a rosy hues
>Causing us both, to smolder.
>
>Electric thoughts
>Spark bodies tension
>To release our hands
>Free of pretensions.
>
>Our full mouths meet
>To bud the rose
>Tasting ever so sweet
>As love's sword, begins to rise.
>
>Slashing all garments free
>To gather in a pile
>While different skins explores,
>Amidst laughter and smiles.
>
>Before sinking into one
>Of closest we humans can get
>While anchored on a bed
>Soaring to the stars .. as in a set.
>
>
>� SuSanne &*_*&
>
>9.6.02~smb.powell
>slight revise 13.6.02
>All rights reserved
>
>

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