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Date Posted: 08:34:31 01/06/01 Sat
Author: Rafaél
Subject: Re: While I look
In reply to: Rafaél 's message, "While I look" on 08:28:45 01/06/01 Sat

>While I look
>
>
>
>Through dense ivy, thick bracken
>rusting hinge, all but froze
>perhaps(?)you showed where
>but my hands fear, as my heart too
>if opened, what then?
>For I blow as one might in a storm
>my shield as breaking ice
>the view, a haze,
>yet still you catch my eye
>as I hide for fear of being whole.
>My sight never lost while I stumbled
>the flowers I threw landing smashed
>at my feet.
>All that remains is (one) single bloom,
>unopened…
>It hangs on your door,
>and sways in this gentle breeze
>to unfold for you,
>if you take it inside.



I have been offered a couple of small suggestions
for this piece, the areas to be looked at are bracketed.
The first question mark is possibly unnecessary, and
"one" as in "one single bloom" might be better "a single bloom"

I think this is fair comment, and will give this some thought.

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