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Date Posted: Sat, January 24 2004, 6:11:49
Author: Katerina
Subject: Why are children jealous?(fragment from the discussion in the Copenhagen Club)

Probably, everyone faced with this phenomenon either in childhood, or in his own family. So, who do you think is responsible for it: children themselves or adults, making errors?

By no means Adults are guilty in everything that happens to the children. IMHO

Dinulya Most often nobody is guilty.

Zosya Do you remember the expression “First a baby-sitter, then a baby?” It was a consolation for the parents whose first child was a girl. My sister, who is 8 years older than me, once said that when I was born her childhood was over. Because she had to take care of me. Walks, looking after when adults are busy, “play with the baby, don’t you see she is crying…” etc. I think that is the problem: the parents have a child for themselves, but often use the elder child as a baby-sitter. The level of life of the elder child worsens. That is the reason for jealousy and “take her back to hospital” .

March All depends on the emotional type of a child. Some children are jealous by themselves, others are not. I saw children from fond, sensible families, but some tried to “ruin” a rival by all means while others loved and defended them. And it had nothing to do with parents. The parents should be very careful and watch the behavior of the older child to make sure that it is not “the first type”. They shouldn’t punish him, it will only aggravate the problem. By the way, the elder child gets a luxury, not available to the younger: indivisible attention of the parents. The younger child gets only the part of this attention. I have 7 years difference with my sister and served as a baby-sitter, but I have never been jealous.

Lashe I also have 7 years difference with my sister and I also think that my childhood was over when she was born. I think, if parents decided to have the second children they should consider it as their own problem instead of loading him with it: nobody asked me, if I want or don’t want to have a sister. The elder child is put before the fact and the parents expect that he loves the younger one as much as they do. But for me my little sister became “a human being” only when it became possible to play, walk and speak with her.

Anna I don’t agree that parents are guilty in children’s jealousy. There are very few professional up-bringers among parents, so they bring up children as they can do it. Either it fits a child or it doesn’t fit. Thus, some children are lucky, others are not. Say, the parents A can bring up children only severely and they have got children who need this kind of up-bringing, so the child grows normally. The parents B can also bring up children only severely but their child needs another treatment and so he becomes a person with inferiority complexes, feeling that he is not loved, the parents C just can’t be severe and the have a child like the child A and the results of up-bringing are not so good etc . All children are different and that is seen from their birth. Nobody is guilty in children’s jealousy, it only means that children and parents don’t fit each other. And it depends only from the child if he will be jealous of his parents, his elder/younger brother or sister, will it be melancholy or an active try to change something or to show “how good he is”, or fights, or secret nasty things etc.

By no means “They can’t” is not an explanation. They can’t – they should learn to bring up children! They should look at their child and listen to him and not be formal. They “don’t want”, that is more right. But who is guilty in it except themselves? Are not those stories with “baby-sitters” typical? If not to treat children formally, it takes much time and people don’t want to spend their nerves and energy.

Ponochka Lashe, you will be surprised, but my elder brother did want me. And even asked from the parents to get a pet for him: a dog or a cat or a brother or a sister. So, the had got me. And they demanded from him to walk with his dog, the same was with me. And yes, he does confirm that he rapidly grew up after I was born. But it did good to him, because he got rid of many complexes. He was a very shy and timorous boy. And his advantage over me and responsibility for me made him much more resolute and independent man. And my parents never blamed him instead of me. I agree with Anna that all children born different.

Dinulya When I said “nobody is guilty” I did not mean that parents are “not responsible”. No, I think their influence is huge, but returning to the jealousy issue I think that jealousy is an inherent feature of the person. If somebody is predisplosed to jealousy, it will be shown by and large under the most remarkable conditions even without any visible reasons for it . Adults can control themselves, children cannot. One 8 year old kid will be jealous of his parents because of their love for a baby, another will be angry because “he is deprived of the childhood”. Contest between brothers and sisters for getting parents’ attention is rather normal situation than an exception. How to settle the conflict – it’s up to the parents. Sometimes it settles by itself: children grow up and become wiser. Also agree with Anna that normal parents, as a rule, have the same way to their children while children need different treatment. When you start treat them different way, offences occur: you love him more because he is younger, you appreciate him more, because he is older… etc.

Katerina
The preconditions for jealousy really arise, when there is more than one child in the family (or grans have more than one grandchild). But the adults and only adults were guilty in all the cases, known for me personally, of exhibiting of children's jealousy. They don’t realize that in fact they provoke jealousy by their stupid behavior. For example, when one of children is constantly praised and put as an example to another, or when one child gets the raised attention, and from another the adults just wave away. And after that they say that they " treated to all children / grandsons equally ".

matilda
I have to agree with those participants who think that the adults are guilty in children's jealousy. My sister is more younger than me for 6 years, and I shall tell, that first, I very much wanted her: her appearance did not become for me unexpectedness, I "communicated" with her through mom’s belly and very much waited, and when she at last was born, I cried hurrah on all country settlement, and secondly, my childhood not only was not finished, but it seems, that it was longer. The mum from the very beginning very quiveringly concerned to our senses and experiences. For example, if she punished one of us, the other was sent to comfort. The basic idea was: unimportantly, what attitudes will be at us with the mum, main, that we the friend for the friend were the most important people. The sister ismy best girlfriend.
More shortly, it is possible for jealousy if not absolutely to avoid very strongly to minimize. There would be a desire.

Minna
It only seems, that the attitude of the parents is identical. Children are different, and the reaction of the parents on them too different. Even if children are twins, it happens, that the parents concern to them differently. Plus is such factor - first child changes a little parents, so with the second they already build the attitudes slightly differently.
And to a question of jealousy... I with the sister too 7 years of a difference And me in childhood òåðçàëà not have a lot of jealousy of the parents, how many that to me: à) did not give to be engaged in the businesses (" Go to go for a walk? Take her toof "), b) it was necessary to answer for both of us. Only not in sense of the responsibility as such, and... Well, she frequently did nasty things to me, name-called, scratched. And who was guilty in our quarrel, the mum never understood a situation and always punished me as the senior and the cleverest. And it, whether know, is rather insulting - when you are terrorized by the younger sister, and you are punished for it. Plus my mum, probably, adhered to a principle " share and dominate ". Let's tell, the sister wants to put my blose on for school. And I want to wear it myself. I tell her she can’t do that: And after that the mum enters with her sweet voice: "Dear, do not you know, that she greedy, she will give you nothing. Get up early in the morning and take the blouse. She won’t do you anything, I PERMIT YOU".
- But the blouse is mine, I want to wear it myself!
- Anything yours in this house is not present. I buy it for you, I shall decide - to permit whether or not.

Anonymous
Except for clinical variants, when the parents of the really one child love more, than another, THEM(HIM,IT) in most cases cause of children's jealousy in egoism of the senior child. Has got used, that he is the center of attencion. The grandmothers, grandfather, mum with the daddy turn around him. " I, I, I ", " me, me, me ", and here suddenly occur rival, with which it is necessary to be divided, is insulting. Are the parents are guilty that they brought up and egotist.

Dima D.
More often business at all in it, i.e. not in classical egoism. Any man becomes an egotist when his sense of safety is broken. And attention of the parents for the child is a very important element of the sense of safety. In this case the cause of jealousy in inability of the parents to carry out " compensatory work " to find a mean how to keep his sense of safety.

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