The Poison Dwarf! -- Skelmersdale United FC

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Tue, Apr 21 2026, 14:56:37

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Subject: The Poison Dwarf!

Author:
Inside Left

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Date Posted: 03:56:07 08/12/03 Tue

In the fields and around the towns, lurks a man so small they call him the Dwarf. On Sunday mornings he hides behind telegraph poles and pounces on his victims.

Dwarf: Hello son.(fancy a sweetie)I believe you play for Skem, and I'm about to strengthen my squad. Would you play for me?

Player: Aren't I too big to play for a team of dwarfs?

Dwarf: Don't get smart with me laddie, I'm the cock of managers around here...I've just been promoted to the Unibond. (A quick fit of rage, but he soon returns to his mellow state)Did you know you can sign for me and still play for Skem on your days off?

Player: Can I?'

Dwarf: And I'll pay you 50 quid a match.

Player: But I don't recall you ever seeing me play, aren't you taking a bit of a risk?

Dwarf: Gally thinks a lot about you, so that will do for me.

Player: I like playing where I am, and I wouldn't like to let the boss down, he's such a nice chap...and well you're such a small chap!

Dwarf: I'll double it to a �100, and you can eat all the burgers you like!

Player: But Gally's my hero, he gave me my big break. He wouldn't be pleased with me. He bases his teams on youth and growing talent, whereas your team is full of money grabbing journeymen.

Dwarf: But isn't that what football's all about son?

Player: Gally says your team will come down as quick as you went up, and your stadium represents a spruced up version of Bucks Park. Your supporters are some of our old supporters, and as soon as they see your decline they will be hot-footing it back to United.

Dwarf: I know it's so sad really...that's why I want all of Skem's good players, so Skem do badly in the league and sack Gally...then I can have my old job back. Please come with me!!!

Player: I think I'll stay put for now...just a thought though. Don't you think your wasted in football...you could make a fortune around Christmas time. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all ...bye Mr Dwarf.

The sad tale of a poison dwarf who longs to be back in the fold of his hometown. A man so small that he doesn't need to leave the dugout to stand!

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