Subject:  SJ: A Letter from Mom |
Author:
Eugene
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Date Posted: 14:28:08 02/03/03 Mon
It’s been about a week since I wrote my SJ journal and, despite the strong guilt in the first three days or so, it’s been a good break. I kind of ran out of things to say, and was going to keep writing some junk (not saying that I have not been writing junk so far) just to make myself feel that I have fulfilled my obligations. Then I thought, “What obligations?” God certainly wouldn’t care for my writing something I didn’t really mean. There would certainly be nothing valuable for me to share with anyone who read the stuff. So I decided to take a break, and to take some time to converse with God.
Thankfully, over the week, many things come into my mind that I’d love to write about. They may not be very well organized, but they are things important for me to write down. Anyway, I was going to write something today, but when I checked my mail, I realized that I have gotten a letter from my mother. It’s a letter that brings up so much emotions and thoughts within my heart that I just want to leave a record of this event in my journal. So I translated it into English….
(Last June, I took my mother to live with my younger sister in the Bay Area. After coming back to Southern California, I felt a great sense of loss: I have messed up my study at the seminary. I have failed to really put my heart into ministry. I have used up all the money my father left for my mother, as well as received from church. I have to send my mom away because I could no longer afford to live with her. It was pretty low. That was when I wrote a letter to my mom, telling her honestly the pain I experienced from the separation, and the hope I had for finally growing up…)
Chiang:
Today as I was going through my things, I came across a letter you sent me last July. As I read it again, it felt like just yesterday when all the things you talked about happened, and I could still feel the pain in my heart. But I gave thanks to God because I also read his abundant grace and love between the lines. I believe deeply that there is a perfect will amongst the things that He has allowed. If, through it all, we would have learned to depend on Him and to know Him more intimately, then the resulted grace and blessings will definitely be greater even than before.
I am sitting in the sun; peacefully writing to you. Your sister, May’s family went to San Francisco, and will not be back until this afternoon.
God had been merciful and held back no grace from me. Sometimes as I recalled the ten years in which He has allowed me to live with you, and the twenty-nine years when He has allowed me to be taken care of by your dad, I think my sixty-something years of life has been beautiful enough for days of reminiscence. Now, I look forward to a place of my own, so that I can peacefully reflect upon everything that God has given me in this life. I want to spend every minute of my life giving glory to Him through thanksgivings.
As I sit here, events of your childhood came flooding back into my mind. Since you were really young, you have been a kind, but very fragile and sensitive boy. I have gotten used to be extra loving and protective to you, because it has been easy for you to get hurt. Because of this, the two of us have been the closest in the family. I have tried to explain this to your sisters, but it has been difficult for them to understand and forgive me for my “favoritism”.
I thank God because now I can give you into his hands, and stop trying to protect you with my very human and imperfect love. I am trusting the love and wisdom of God, the Father, in leading you. I am so glad to see that, today, you are no longer a frightened little animal, but a grown man. Congratulations for coming into maturity through God’s great might and unfathomable wisdom, even though it happened a little late – not too late, though. You have been, and are becoming a son of God, the Father. From this day on, you are to trust Him faithfully. May his blessings and kindness be always by your side.
Your mother blesses you, too.
Amen!
(I used to feel so ashamed to be called a “mama’s boy”, that is, until I read about Nouwen’s grieving his loss of his mother to cancer in the book “In Memoriam”.)
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