Author:
Dawn
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Date Posted: 18:27:43 07/23/01 Mon
I read your two posts Shannie, went in the shower with thought and come back and ZAP, gone! I thought both offered interesting and justifiable statements that would have no doubt resulted in opinions, pros and cons from many posters. Geez, I spent the entire time in the shower and drying my hair to cap my thoughts in some sort of order. I'm going to ramble for a bit, so give me a minute.
Your post about the effects of bouncing mama's is a very sensitive issue with me. Hence, still single after all these years. Love is the first thing a child learns. Without that grounded stability of love a child lives in hunger. If a mother demonstrates free love and lost love, what will the implications be for a young child. A child will never attach themselves, never know trust or have a foundation in which they are nurtured. At least if they had ONE stable parent, none of those factors would be compromised.
It was 18 years ago that I walked into singelparenthood. My children 4 & 6 at the time. I didn't want half a dozen walking in and out of kids lives. I allowed one man in, he stayed for 5 years, just one year later. He was a friend of my older brothers, hung around our house all the time growing up and I went to school with him. Through those years he was a positive male influence for my son putting him through hockey, baseball, lacrossse. The fifth year we both realised it was $hit or get off the pot and he got off. I knew too well that the major part he was with us was he felt the need to "take care" of us.
My son to this day is deeply emotionally traumatised by him more than of his father's death and especially, he was number two that left. My son grew with this man from age 7-12, crucial growing years. His outbursts started within the first year we dissolved the relationship and issues are just now coming to surface as he faces reality, pain and anger at age 24.
With devotion to sparing my children of the swinging door and further potential pain, I decided to forego relationships and if I dated, the children were not involved for those same reasons.
When my daughter was 17, I allowed the next into "our" lives. It took alot of persuasion and me thinking, ok I've waiting, this is "the one", foolish me it ended in disaster. What was left, was a very poor example of my judgement reflecting onto my children, now becoming adults with their own insights and opinions. Mom, what were you thinking? Again, I ran from every one that knocked at my door. Now, my children bare the burden of guilt that Mom is alone while she choose to raise us singlehandedly yet at the same time have great pride in the fact that Mom made it on her own with having to be dependent on a man. Too damn independent now I'd have to agree with regret.
In the end, I regret the pain my son suffers today as this is where my deepest pain lies as well, that of the years of struggle my children faced, that brings us to today. In the end, I feel avoiding the revolving door effect was a positive choice to make but not necessarily the best.
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Another Paula's PMS day