| Subject: Re: Not-Knowing |
Author:
Rich
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Date Posted: 22:13:32 04/17/01 Tue
In reply to:
Cassie
's message, "Re: Not-Knowing" on 00:19:36 04/17/01 Tue
Cassie,
I really love the way you write. it's very creative and beautiful. You want me to tell you more so I guess i'll just have to disappoint you. Before this happened to me I always believed that if i ever awoke my emotional pain would probably disappear or at least diminish considerably. When I came upon Saniel's writings my perspective began to change and I felt a great relief at his permission and compassion for the painfullness of life. Still, however, I wanted to awaken because i thought that I would be healed to a great extent of the loneliness, depression, and general pain of living. What I got was not at all what I expected. Soon after my non-experience I experimented with trying to dredge up the past. I found it impossible to do. Instead it was as if my mnd would bounce back into the present every time I tried to bring up the past. I could remember things, of course, but I could not dredge up the old emotional sufferings that I was so familiar with. Also, since Doubt and Confusion had left (I should say: were nowhere to be found)I concluded that I would not be able to be depressed anymore. After all, if I couldn't bring up the past and I had no Doubt and Confusion to be burdened with how could I be depressed. I also noticed that when I was lonely that seemed to be all that I was. there was no judging about the feeling of loneliness; there was no depression over being lonely. I was just lonely. It was stark. Now that some time has passed the contrast between the time I was full of Doubt and Confusion and the present time is not as obvious. In other words I am still burdened with the same angst, I'm not really healed of the pain of living. It's just different somehow. Maybe as time passes I will release the pain in an organic manner as a result of the awakening I had - I certainly cannot do it with effort. i also am much clearer and more discriminating in reading spiritual texts or interviews. Before I didn't pick up on alot of nuances or meanings. Now I can see where the spiritual auuthority sems to be ungrounded in his/her statements, or deluded, or wrong or dualistic. Another part of my non-experience, by the way, was that all spiritual teachers are conmen unless they explain clearly and firmly to any seeker that if that seeker is coming to them to fulfill their search then they are in for a rude awakening (to use an appropriate cliche), because the teacher cannot possibly give them, or help them find, what they are looking for. Remember I said that if the seeker is fortunate he loses what he is looking for instead of finding it. That's about all I can say. I hope it makes sense. For most spiritual seekers it would be pretty disappointing to hear that that which motivated their seeking (in my case emotional pain) doesn't get resolved, Perhaps the booby prize of No Doubt and No Confusion and No Seeking would be consolation enough. Of course many people do not have much pain and therefore their realization is probably accompanied by a more blissful or condected feeling in the world. Who Knows? This is all speculation.
Love, Rich
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