| Subject: Re: The fall (for Paul) |
Author:
Paul
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Date Posted: 14:39:01 04/04/01 Wed
In reply to:
Cassie
's message, "The fall (for Paul)" on 17:53:30 04/03/01 Tue
Ah yes, falling. When I first "got" falling, I saw it, rationalized it, relaxed into it to give it its space, with part of me thinking, "Well, this is a stage. This too will pass." BUT, over the course of time in this, after several bouts, SURPRISE!! It REALLY is: The Big Never Ending Fall, with the following generally repeating plotline, not unlike watching General Hospital. To whit:
I fall. And then I hit. And then I fall. And then I scramble for some handle, but there ain't one. And so I fall. And occasionally I hit. And then I fall. And then I scramble for some perspective (there isn't any). So I fall some more. And then I hit. And then I fall. And I gradually begin to see the fruitlessness of trying at all to find any measure of orientation in this weird rhythm, this weird Unknowable Dance of Falling. I keep hauling out parachutes, to build on Ben's analogy, and with each one my hope rises of braking this plunge, but with each one there's the frustrating realization that the cord has been cut, yet once again. So I Fall, gritting my teeth all the way, wanting to relax into it, occasionally being able to, but part of me is just screaming all the way, is frozen in terror, is curled up in fetal position with eyes tightly closed. Falling is wonderful, the only way to go, for it is truly living in the immediacy of the unknown. Endless bumusement at the fruitless struggle. Overwhelmed at what is flying past. Falling is freedom, yet at the same time, in a very real sense, falling simply sucks.
Fallingly yours,
Paul
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