| Subject: Re: The down transmission |
Author:
Cassandra
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Date Posted: 02:25:41 07/29/02 Mon
In reply to:
Kate
's message, "Re: The down transmission" on 13:47:09 07/28/02 Sun
Kate, as usual I am amazed at your liquidity with words. I love this idea of amazement by the way and can easily remember recognizing that quality in the few Tibetians I have met. Amazing people.
And I want to describe what has happend for me since I wrote the above. Sometimes I wonder if I am moving away from WD because I found a spaciousness to move TO that WD didn’t provide. And yet I am not altogether ready to throw WD over. There has been so much of incredible and intrinsic value to me there. I am indebted to Saniel in a most profound way. And yet, moving away I am in spite of all thoughts to the contrary. It’s almost as if my thoughts were going in one direction and me, Being, in another. And you’d best not mess with Being when She is on the move.
Just today I am on the verge of beginning to see the vastness behind going down down down. I think it’s the same vastness one might encounter no matter what direction you approach it from. It simply and always is. So “down” is only problematical if you don’t fall all the way through it. If you get stuck in recycling through stuff over and over without seeing what is beneath, behind, under it. And then fall through that. Eventually one of these fall throughs is into eternity.
It seems to me now that I was on the trail but perhaps just hadn’t fallen deeply enough, truly deeply into the core of my being, the place I have been avoiding with my compulsive numbing out activities, the place that drove me at one time into the arms of hypermasculine efforting and then into the rot. What I haven’t seen up to now is that I was not finished rotting. That is why the direction always seemed to have to go down. Down and down to the place where what was unfelt remained. Today I touched on that place and I saw that this is the opening I had despaired of ever finding.
Today, reading about the enneagram type number nine, I finally understood what I have always been avoiding. And thanks to the astute perceptiveness of some of my friends I felt it for the first time ever, perhaps. Really felt it. Felt the bewilderment and terror and longing of someone who had just recently been born into a body and had no idea who or what she was. The confusion of that one when there was no one to mirror her reality to her. I’ve been feeling that and feeling it. This seems to be who I am at the core - a bewildered confusing mass of swirling energy. I saw how desperate I was to find an identity to hook into, some reflection from someone to make sense of things. I saw how, when my brother smothered me for crying, that I suddenly arrived at that sense of identity. Suddenly I was somebody and that somebody was nobody. Aha! My little mind declared, THIS is who I am. I am nobody. I don’t count, I’m unimportant. No wonder no one came when I cried. No wonder I was smothered. Suddenly everything made sense. At last. And I got so carried away with this identity, that I never felt into the lost bewilderment that preceded it, never feeling the need to go there, because to me, that was simply who I was.
Anyway I’m getting carried away here and possibly not making any sense to anyone. And I’m wanting to tie all this back into my foray away from WD. I don’t know now that I need foray away. I see that the WD transmission that sent me spiraling down down and down was exactly where I needed to go. I see that the spaciousness is there too. I have no quarrel with WD anymore. This is interesting. However it does occur to me that there are other directions now that I might want to explore. And WD doesn’t have the map to those. That may be why Being is moving on. I’m not sure. Have to just wait and see how it all unfolds.
Lovingly, Cassandra
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