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Date Posted: 02:41:13 04/15/04 Thu
Author: Doyle
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 144.138.100.56
Subject: Since it's so hard nowdays to get everyone on the board to participate in NES's, I thought I'd do my own one, in which you *all* participate (whether you like it or not) *eg*...

(Sophie) - chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth named Angel and a harmless little bunny named Spike. They were the best of friends until one day Faith showed up. Faith was a sex kitten that never grew up. Spike and Angel ogled Faith then Spike said...

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(Bracken) - chapter 2

"I'm a bleached skeleton, kill me now!" Angel obliged by setting Spike on fire with his own cigarette lighter. Angel and Faith watched with glee as Spike lit up like a Christmas tree. "I always wanted to do that." Angel told Faith. "I always wanted to witness Spike's death, quirky." Faith replied. "Who you callin' "quirky"?" Angel asked.

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(Heather) - chapter 3

Angel and Oz were laconic as usual. They would use as little amount of words as vampiricly/werewolfly possible. The sanka was now known as 'Ozboard' and everyone had 'Oz' in their name. "How is this at all relevant to the last chapter?" Dozle asked. "Oh please, like NES's ever have any continuity." Sozler told him. "Isn't this great?!" asked Oz, excitedly. "No, it really isn't." Loz replied. Whoever writes the next chapter, don't stray from the path now...

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(Silver) - chapter 4

Okay, here's the deal. Everything that came before this was a dream. What was *really* happening was Mr stable, accomodating - yet picky, poor, finacially - challenged, devious, repeato Doyle was hallucinating (as he sometimes does). "As I've told you before, I don't repeat myself." he said. He had been put in thumbcuffs so that he couldn't hurt anyone with his delusions. Silver punched him for good measure.

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(Beautyone) - chapter 5

Silver arches an eyebrow. "I'm so into you." Bracken urinates all over the floor. "What the hell are you doing?" Fred holds Doyle on a leash *thwap* "Bad dog." Faith says, "Do me." Beautyone thinks about it for a moment...

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(Goatman) - chapter 6

Too slow. Goat-tee runs up behind Faith and starts making passionate goat love sounds. "Once you go goat...you'll never go back." he informs her. She likes it.

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(Sophie) - chapter 7

"Stop! You're corrupting my innocent little passalong story!" Sophie shouts at everyone. "Exsqueeze me?" asks an uncertain Goatman. "As of this moment, it's over, fuzzyballs." she tells him. "No more farm sex for you."

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(Bracken) - chapter 8

The mild-mannered Bracken gets a phonecall. Her male secretary, Mr Funnypenny, says it's urgent. But Bracken already knows what the phonecall's about: there's a doin's a-transpiring. She can smell it in the air, she can taste it in the water. She dons her cape and rides off on her emu into the night...

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(Swedish Bob) - chapter 9

Uh...okay. Right then, SB and his companion, Clifford the BIG red dog, swooped in and saved everyone. Clifford stomped on the reprehensible Goatman with a big furry paw, which squished him into a sludgy substance. Everyone thanked SB and his BIG red dog then they all went home.

*****************

(qc) - chapter 10

From the goo that was once Goatman rose the almighty qc who was not happy that her fantasy made flesh was dead...again. Just then, the heroic Bracken rode in on her emu. "Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaaay!" she announced. "Hey there, Killer. You're a little late. Everyone's already been saved by SB and his BIG red dog." qc informed Bracken. "That just burns me up inside." Bracken stated. "Well, it seems we have a thing in common. You want to get back at SB for stealing your thunder and I wanna smoosh him good for smooshing Goatman." qc told Bracken.

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(Beautyone) - chapter 11

Elsewhere, Beautyone was playing a game of tort with Doyle. "I'll go first." she offered. "Jon used to practice drawing blood on me." "Uh...huh." came Doyle's reply followed by, "Hmmm." "Let's not talk about that anymore." she suggested. "Crazy B's husband." he murmured. Beautyone felt like she should defend her husband's actions so she explained herself further, "It was for college. I was proving my love by letting him stick me." Doyle just blinked a few times. "I don't think I like this game." "Now it's your turn." she informed him. "Uh...um," Doyle thought for a moment, "Okays, here's one: I drink today. I drank yesterday. I drink many times." Then he left. "Aw, no fair." Beautyone pouted, "I already knew that."

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(Silver) - chapter 12

qc and Bracken (who'd switched sides) were hiding in some bushes and watching SB groom his BIG red dog. "We can't take on SB's BIG red dog, qc." Bracken pointed out. "I know. But it's like I always say, "If you can't beat 'em then have them arranged to be beaten"." qc told her. "I've never heard you say that." Bracken noticed qc was too distracted to reply and she sensed that a plan was brewing inside qc's head. "What is it, Déagol my love? Uh...qc I mean." "I have a cunning plan." qc revealed. "But I thought we agreed that SB's BIG red dog was too formidable an opponent." "Oh I'm not gonna try to take on the sucker," qc explained, "This is just to shake him up a little." "What should I do?" Bracken wondered aloud. "Just stay here." qc instructed her. "If I don't make it, I want you to run like the wind, 'kay? Got it?" Bracken nodded. qc ran out of the bushes and...

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(Heather) - chapter 13

Grabbing the garden hose, qc turned it on and gave SB and his BIG red dog the soaking of a lifetime. Then she dropped the hose and her and Bracken ran down the street. Meanwhile, SB was running around, screaming.

SB:"Why are you making me run around screaming?"

Because it creates a funny mental picture.

*****************

(Swedish Bob) - chapter 14

Heather:"Blah! zzz hey dennis bah haha...shoosh hehe I'm not a horse, damnit haha...what? whee hahaha bye."

*****************

(Heather) - chapter 15

Is that your idea of getting back at me? Well, two can play at that game.

SB:"hmmm OMG IT'S 3AM Get the hell outta here sigh great shoes! New?"

*****************

(Swedish Bob) - chapter 16

I never said, "Great shoes! New?". That's a Doyle quote. Anyway, back to the story. The maniacal qc and Bracken got a rush from soaking the poor defenseless Swedish Bob. "We make a good team." qc told Bracken. "Yes. A groin - grabbingly good team." Bracken agreed. "You're making us very hot and bothered." qc stated. "Us?" Bracken repeated, a bit unsure of what qc meant. Then qc proceeded to clamp her hand over Bracken's nose and mouth. Once she was sure that Bracken was no longer breathing, qc wandered off. After Swedish Bob had put on some dry clothes, he rode his BIG red dog down the street, searching for the culprits who had soaked him. Upon seeing Bracken lying on the ground, unmoving, he dismounted and ran over to her. Being a man-nurse (well, at least Doyle thought he was a man-nurse, for some reason) SB managed to revive Bracken.

*****************

(Bracken) - chapter 17

"That backstabber! She stabbed me in the back! She pulled a Giles on me." SB looked confused. "You know, in 'The Gift' when Giles suffocated Ben." Bracken explained to him. "Shouldn't you be dead in that case?" SB questioned her. "I'm a super hero. Super heroes don't die so easily. And am I the only one who ever wanted to grab Ben and squish him to death?" "Um...that thought had crossed my mind." SB admitted. "You thought about grabbing Ben? lol!" Bracken laughed.

*****************

(Drusilla) - chapter 18

From behind a tree the rest of the board members appeared. "Good news, Bracken, we caught qc!" Silver stated proudly. Beautyone was holding onto qc who was in thumbcuffs. Beautyone copped a feel. "I'm innocent!" qc pleaded. "You're as innocent as Sophie." Bracken scoffed. "Hey! I AM innocent!" Sophie said defensively. "I think it's only fair that I kill you the same way you attempted to kill me, qc." Bracken said menacingly. "Can't we all just chew some purple gum and get along?" Dru suggested. "You're right, I'm the good guy." Bracken said, calming herself down. Then she decided to be unpredictable and said, "No wait, I'm the bad guy!" and began to throttle qc. With impressive SFX qc turned into Goatman. "That looked so fake." Silver commented. "OMG you've got a Glory/Ben thing going on." SB observed. "What's this obsession you have with Ben, SB?" Bracken asked him. "It all started when Ben was going to adjust his speakers then SB offered to do it for him." Doyle explained. "I really don't wanna know how you know that, Doyle." Bracken told him. "Hello? You're forgetting about me here." Goatman said, reminding everyone of his existance. "What do you want, qc...er...Goatman?" Doyle asked. "I want sex." Goatman stated, "I like multiple partners/orgies and since you're all here..." At that point everyone ran away, leaving Goatman by his loansome. "All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself..." he crooned.

*****************

(Doyle) - chapter 19

What better way to end this NES than with a chapter totally unrelated to the rest of the story (much like Sophie's last chapter in the NES #1 or Mat's last chapter in the NES #2). We begin with Silver watching 'Pirates of the Caribbean' for the umteenth time. She's invited Bracken over to her place because she hasn't seen the film yet. All during the movie, Bracky's making observations like, "Have you noticed that even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they're apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA?" and "Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century." Silver just tells the babbling Bracky to, "Shoosh and watch the movie." Out of nowhere, Plot Device shows up. "Remember me? You used me in your slingshot thong waaaaay back in the very first NES!" she says, reminiscing. Without warning, Plot Device picks up the TV remote, aims it at Silver and Bracken, and faster than you can say "Pleasantville", zaps them into the television. Bracken's suddenly wearing heavy eyeliner and has dreadlocks while Silver is wearing...uh...clothes of very little description. "Shiver me timbers!" Bracken squawks. "Belay that talk! You're not a pirate." Silver tells Bracken, who's looking at her. Silver pauses then ticks off her fingers, "Arr, argh, yarr, harr, booty, bucko, blimey. Begad! *I'm* a pirate!" "Aye." Bracken says in agreement.

*****************

(Silver) - chapter 20

Brack Sparrow and Sil Turner (as they now shall be referred to as) decided to make the best of their time as buccaneers and went to grab some food. "Smartly, me lass." Brack Sparrow told one of the bar wenches. She returned with their food and said, "Here's your grub and grog." As she tried to leave, Brack Sparrow pulled the woman back and said, "C'mere, me beauty!" The wench slapped Brack Sparrow and stormed off. Later on, they decided to steal a ship. As they sailed, the two scallywags sung a shanty. "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me..." Then Sil interrupted the song with, "Sail ho!" "I'm not exactly up with all the pirate lingo yet. What does that mean again?" Brack asked. "I see a ship!" Sil Turner replied. Brack sighed with relief. "That isn't a *good* thing, Brack." Sil explained. "Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure!" "So, if it's pirates and they ask to board, we'll just tell them no." Sil Turner just shook her head at Brack. "Me bucko, that won't work!" Sil exclaimed. Brack pondered for a moment then said, "The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you then you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off." Sil Turner slapped Brack Sparrow and shouted, "First, that won't work either. And secondly, *we* are pirates so by your logic I'm justified in being scared of whoever's approaching us. And thirdly, you don't know a bloody thing about pirates!" "Sil..." "What?!?" "Let me get my hat." Suddenly, there came a familiar voice, "Ye scurvy dogs! Be ye ready to surrender?" It was the voice of...

*****************

(Beautyone) - chapter 21

Captain Starbossa. She and her crew of the damned had boarded the ship. They then took Brack Sparrow and Sil Turner back to their own ship. Brack Sparrow eyed the Captain up and down then whispered to Sil Turner, "You may think this one with the big hat is the leader, but I bet it's actually the parrot on her shoulder. Take the bird out first!" Sil just rolled her eyes. She then suddenly noticed a woman with strawberry blonde hair and instantly fell in love. Suddenly, Brack Sparrow grabbed a crewmember's cutlass and pointed it at Captain Starbossa's parrot. "Now look, matey, either you let us and the lassie go free or we'll fight back by throwing all your oranges overboard. That way, you'll all get scurvy - whatever the f--k that is." Sil Turner slapped herself in the forehead. "I'm disiclined to aquiesce to your request." the Captain responded. Brack Sparrow just blinked. "Means "no"." Starbossa explained. Brack blinked some more. Then she said, "You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?" "Yarr! There be an island not too far from here I think I'll maroon you on." Starbossa told Brack. "Well at least give me a pistol to shoot myself with." Brack requested.

*****************

(Doyle) - chapter 22

Meanwhile, Sil Turner was dsicreetly moving towards the hapless blonde woman at the back of the ship. Once Sil reached her, she asked the woman's name. "My name is Liz K Swann. I'm the bilge rat. I sleep in the worst place on the ship. You have to get me out of here!" she told Sil. "That's the idea." Sil replied. Brack Sparrow was distracting the crew by asking, "Is the pirate flag of skull and cross bones called the "Jolly Roger" because whoever named it was gay?" Just then, Captain Starbossa noticed Sil and Liz escaping. "A vast!" the Captain shouted, "Me hearties, shoot them!" The crew fired their muskets, barely missing Sil and Liz. "Those muskets take like a minute to reload, time for a pound'n!" Brack Sparrow yelled out. "Brack, there's too many of them to take on!" Sil yelled back. "You're forgetting one thing, me dear Sil, I'm Cap'n Brack Sp..." Brack was suddenly interrupted by a shot being fired. Everyone was a little confused as to who'd been shot. Captain Starbossa looked from Brack to Sil to Liz and noticed the gold medallion she always wore around her neck was missing. Sil Turner dropped the piece of loot (with her blood on it) into the chest that was on board. Captain Starbossa then turned back to look at Brack Sparrow holding the smoking pistol and sudden realisation crept over the Captain's face. "I feel...like crap." she said, then collapsed dead onto the deck. "Hmmm," Brack commented, "and really bad eggs..." Sil Turner gave her a confused look, "What the hell has that got to do with *anything*, Brack?" "Drink up me hearties, yo ho!" Brack finished.

The End (?)

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