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Date Posted: 17:36:10 05/02/12 Wed
Author: Oatcake
Subject: Re: I'll go first >>>
In reply to:
Myxtress
's message, "I'll go first >>>" on 16:03:39 05/01/12 Tue
Wow. Okay, I'll comment on your fascinating excerpt... I'd like to write about impressions and what I felt, reading it. The most difficult thing in any language is to talk about emotions, worse if it is in a foreign language. so, please forgive if I seem less polite than I ought to be, it might just be caused by language limits...
First I'd like to say I enjoyed reading because I had to find out, what this scene was leading to. Meaning there definitely was an interesting arc of suspence.
I also liked your detailed writing about setting and emotion. I must admit though, that I could not entirely feel "with" the narrator but that might just have been because I didn't know the context (why is there a "battle" between narrator and Fallon).
As I said I like the detailed description; I also like to listen to the narrators "inward dialogue", but feel, the two things don't go very well together. Reason: The description is almost poetic but the thoughts (italics) are mocking, though both come from one person (narrator).
Sorry, I#ve got to run, my little one is sick and crying and DH needs to sleep, so I've got to look after DS... Sorry again - I'll be back!
Esther
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Re: I'll go first >>> -- Oatcake, 04:51:08 05/04/12 Fri
...I'm back.
Sorry I had to run away - that was no good start...
What I still wanted to say:
I can feel your passion for writing and I really like your "eye" for details! I'm looking forward to reading more of that.
Have you ever published something? How long have you been writing? I'm curios...
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No apologies Oatcake, I understand completely and I hope your little one is feeling better. >>> -- Myxtress, 16:00:44 05/04/12 Fri
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it!
>Wow. Okay, I'll comment on your fascinating excerpt...
>I'd like to write about impressions and what I felt,
>reading it. The most difficult thing in any language
>is to talk about emotions, worse if it is in a foreign
>language. so, please forgive if I seem less polite
>than I ought to be, it might just be caused by
>language limits...
Hey, no worries. I’m of the opinion that any comments I receive on this board are given with the intent to be helpful, and even us native speakers have trouble sometimes. Let me say that I appreciate any feedback I get, because it does make a world of difference and a difference in my worlds. And thank you again for putting the impressions you had and the emotions you felt into words that help me get this story to where it needs to go.
>
>First I'd like to say I enjoyed reading because I had
>to find out, what this scene was leading to. Meaning
>there definitely was an interesting arc of suspence.
>I also liked your detailed writing about setting and
>emotion. I must admit though, that I could not
>entirely feel "with" the narrator but that might just
>have been because I didn't know the context (why is
>there a "battle" between narrator and Fallon).
>As I said I like the detailed description; I also like
>to listen to the narrators "inward dialogue", but
>feel, the two things don't go very well together.
>Reason: The description is almost poetic but the
>thoughts (italics) are mocking, though both come from
>one person (narrator).
Couple things here.
First, thanks. It’s always good to know when something is working. And it seems I have adequate description for the settings they are in. Yay! I was kind of worried since so many setting occur during this one scene. *G*
Okay, let’s get to the narrator. I can understand that you don’t get Heather, as this is the first you’ve seen of her. As for context, it’s not so much a battle as everyone refers to it as a game. A game with high stakes because if Heather is not successful, Fallon will cease to exist and the real world as mortals know it will be changed forever. And of course, that change is not in a good way.
Fallon’s power is lust, and in order for Heather to get Fallon willing to play, she has to entice him with it. But if she succumbs to it, she proves to Fallon it’s not a game worth playing, or winning, and he will follow his scheme to give up his power, his mate and his existence for his brother. Of course, if Fallon succeeds, it’s at the cost of living forever with excruciating agony, effectively binding him to the powers that attempted to subjugate and use him in the first place.
Oh, and yeah, there’s the issue that Fallon claimed her as a baby, which went against all the rules, and there are those that condemn him for manipulating her powers to suit his own purposes when he was actually protecting her as mate to his brother Darian. So at this point Darian has advised Heather that if Fallon so much as puts his tongue in her mouth there will be no hope for any sort of redemption.
And now for the dialogue. The inward dialogue isn’t really inward dialogue. I’m still wondering how to get this across, but the italics are Fallon and Heather speaking to each other without actually speaking outloud…so while I understand I have to work on how to get that to come across I’m glad the two don’t go well together if interpreted as inner dialogue. After all, Fallon is mocking her, anticipating her submission because no one has ever resisted him before and he doesn’t see Heather being able to either…hence why he’s bored with the game… *G*
>
>Sorry, I#ve got to run, my little one is sick and
>crying and DH needs to sleep, so I've got to look
>after DS... Sorry again - I'll be back!
>
>Esther
>...I'm back.
>Sorry I had to run away - that was no good start...
Are you kidding? This is a great start! And so much more that I expected, so no more apologies. *G* Your little one is more important.
>
>What I still wanted to say:
>I can feel your passion for writing and I really like
>your "eye" for details! I'm looking forward to reading
>more of that.
Thank you! Writing is the one thing I do that totally absorbs my mind and makes time irrelevant. It’s nice to hear that my voice is appreciated and hence the chances of reading more are pretty good here on this board. *G*
>
>Have you ever published something? How long have you
>been writing? I'm curios...
Well, let’s see. I’ve been writing for a decade or so now. *G* As I write for fun, I never started writing with the intent to be published, so no, I have nothing published. Although, now with self-publishing becoming more common place and with the popularity of ebooks, I have given it a bit more thought. I have three stories in various stages of completion, so hopefully I can get the one I earmarked done sometime soon.
Thanks again for stopping by and commenting. You're a natural!
Hugs
Esther
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Re: No apologies Oatcake, I understand completely and I hope your little one is feeling better. >>> -- Oatcake, 17:07:33 05/04/12 Fri
Thanks for the additional information on your story. It all sounds very interesting!
Actually you got it across that Heather and Fallon are communicating. Somehow I just thought it was a mixture of Thoughts that can be read by Fallon and thoughts just for herself. Maybe I'm lacking concentration. I usually get to the computer late in the evening when my brains are used up by quelling the warfare of my two sons... ;o) - BTW the fever of my 2 year old finally broke and I hope we will be back to "normal" tomorrow...
Gimme some more of your story, lass!
See you!
Esther
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