As always, take what of my suggestions you want and ignore the rest. And always have fun with it.
>Long ago, she tried to give him her heart but he had
>trampled it under foot then threw it back in her face.
> No…he would have to come to her now. Never did she
>want to feel that way again. If Aiden wanted her now
>then he better step up his game. He had no right to
>be mad that her word usage, 'she' works better. and Tiernan were together. If he did,
>well that was his problem. As she walked she became
>more determined that Aiden would not bring her down.
>He’s probably not even awareTense is unsure. 'He probably wasn't aware' is stronger. that something happened
>between her and Tiernan anyways. I’m working myself
>up over nothing, she thought as she glanced out the
>window. The chances of him knowing were slim.Repetitive. You just said this above, A
>streak of lighting flashed across the dark stormy sky
>creating a sizzling sound as it moved. I'm so guilty of this too. More words than neccessary. 'Lightning sizzled across the stormy sky' or something similar carries a sense of immediacy.', A shiver ran
>down her spine as a second arc appeared, dancing
>angrily in the sky then hitting the ground with a
>powerful punch, forcing the power to go out in the
>castle. Nice imagery. I can 'see' the lightning, almost like a fist, smacking the ground.
>
>Ok Ari, don’t read more into it. It’s a
>storm…lightning always comes with the storms up here.
> With a hand outstretched in front of her as a feeler,
>she made her way to the stone wall. When her hand
>pressed up against something soft, she sent out a
>silent wish. Please, please, please tell me this is
>the wall. A bright arc danced again, lighting up the
>hallway confirming what she already knew. Aiden!
>
>Oh hell, she thought as she saw the look on his face
>in the weak light.What look? A frown, a smirk, an enigmatic smile? Tell us! ;-) This was a look she remembered
>all too well. It was Sulien’s, ‘I know what you did
>and I am not happy’ look. Lightening flashed again,
>revealing another look at his face; lips pinched and
>his face hard. Like this. Nice image of his expression. Hazel eyes had turned dark gray
>matching the storm clouds outside. The faint light
>from outside silhouetted his body which now cut 'now' and beware of cliche phrases. Lots of things are still, depending on the situation. Ice, water, death are all pretty motionless. stood as
>still as a statue in front of her. Oh god, he knew.
>Ari trembled. Tiernan and her 'She'. When in doubt, remove the other person's name from the sentance and read it again to tell you which pronoun is correct.. hadn’t shielded their
>emotions and he had felt them. Dammit! Still, that
>didn’t give him the right to act like this and send
>her this coldness. What she did with her own life
>now, was her own choice. This wasn’t the medieval
>ages anymore. Women had rights…he couldn’t punish her
>now. So why then did she feel like a little child in
>front of him? Why was she so nervous? Old habits die hard, don't they?;-)
>
>Aiden stepped towards her and she took a large step
>backwards but found herself suddenly I'm not the adverb police but be aware of them. You can make a phrase stronger somtimes by finding other ways to word them. Maybe, 'Aiden took a step toward her and she stepped back, away from him, finding herself against the stone wall.' up against the
>stone wall. Overhead, thunder boomed loudly and
>another bolt of lighting zigzagged across the sky.
>Her body twitched at the suddenness of the light and
>sound. Sparks of light emanated through the glass
>revealing Aiden’s face; dark, wavy hair fell softly
>over one side making it appear soft, almost
>angelic-like Drop'-like'. Angelic stands well on it's own. The other side was cold, hard; the one
>eye she could see was piercing. The corners of
>Aiden’s mouth turned upwards Maybe 'twisted'? Foreshadows the unsettling nature perhaps? in an unsettling grin.
>What was he up to? Aiden’s quietness, stare and
>energy were disconcerting. A sense of déjà vu hit
>her. The two of them standing in exactly the same
>position; him with that look and her filled with
>unease. No need to describe it again; if she's feeling deja vu, we know they were in a similar pose or situation in the past.
>
>In the past, she was Sulien and Tarrant’s charge.
>Since Sulien was the older of the two, any punishment
>that needed to be handed down to her was usually given
>by him, and boy he could dish it out; a stickler for
>the rules. Somehow he always seemed to know when she
>got herself into mischief. It hardly seemed fair, as
>the trouble she got into was usually created with
>Tarrant but he was never given any punishments. Damn
>the double standards! It hadn’t always been that way
>she remembered.Maybe drop 'she remembered.' It reads stronger without it. When she had been disobedient as a
>small child all she had to do was smile or pout at
>Sulien’s stern face and he’d laugh - no punishment.
>As she got older though it was different, he said she
>must act like a lady. Punishment for her disobedience
>was necessary, even though it pained him to do it.
>Yeah sure it did, she didn’t see him offering to help
>her clean those awful chamber pots back then. She
>wrinkled her nose in disgust at the memory. It had
>seemed that Sulien found disfavor with her often, and
>she was always on the receiving end of his infamous
>look. Back then the penetrating cold stare made her
>nervous; now being given by Aiden, it still did.
>Tense, she shifted her stance. If he would just say
>something, anything, instead of that look it might
>take off some ofMaybe substitute 'ease' for 'take off some of'. the edginess she was feeling right
>now. It was the unknown that made her anxious.
>Sulien had liked to see people squirm and she had a
>sneaking suspicion so did Aiden.
>
>“Did you lose your way Ari? We’ve been waiting for
>your return.”
>
>“Ahh umm,” she hedged. Stop fidgeting, speak. “No.
>I ahhh ran into Tiernan and then Owen. We talked.”
>No lie there, she thought. Ok Ari, flash one your
>smiles maybe he’ll see it.
> What follows is a switch to Sulien/Aiden's POV. If you've done it intentionally, it's good to signal your reader by putting in a break of a few lines or some visual clue so we know we're in someone else's head now.
>“Really,” he said coldly. Liar! A large bolt of
>lightening screeched across the sky as he inched
>closer to her. Damn you both. I heard you. I felt
>your energies intertwine. Is he saying or thinking this? It's a little unclear. Since he’d arrived at the
>castle his old power of being highly sensitive to
>other’s energies was coming quickly back to him. It
>surprised him at first, but it was becoming second
>nature now. In the past they had always been able to
>read each others thoughts too, unless they blocked,
>which they both knew how to do back then. Perhaps she
>doesn’t remember how too, he thought. Though, it
>doesn’t matter now, he definitely heard her earlier
>when she sensually whispered Tiernan’s name. It had
>rocked him to his core. I bet it did. But because he wants her too? Or because he's still ooks upon her as a child in his care? Inquiring minds want to know! ;-)
>
>When Tiernan left the music room earlier with the ruse
>of having to use the loo he knew something was up.
>Gritting his teeth in anger, yeah, Tiernan’s dick was
>up. Bastard can’t keep it in his pants. He stood
>directly in front of her now. Guess it’s time to step
>up and play. Moving his arms up, he placed both his
>hands on the wall on either side of her shoulders.
>You’re trapped now Ari,Speaking or thingking? he smiled devilishly. A plan
>formulated in his mind; he’d show her that he could
>play just as well as Tiernan. “So you just happened
>to run into Tiernan huh?”
> POV switch again
>Deep breaths Ari…deep, deep breaths. Why did he have
>to get so close? He’s never gotten this close. Ok,
>where is everyone? Owen! Somebody. Help!
>“Ahhh…ummm…well he… ahhh.” My god what was he doing
>with that strand of her hair between his fingers, she
>wondered. Her heart was racing. “Ummm Aiden what
>are you doing?”
>
>“You have beautiful hair. It’s so soft.” Leaning his
>body in closer to hers, he moved his head towards her
>ear and breathed deeply. “I love your scent,” he
>said softly into her ear. “Your hair is like fine
>silk, smooth and seductive.” Letting go of her hair
>he took his index finger and very softly traced the
>outline of her jaw. “So soft,” he crooned as his
>finger sensuously glided across her chin, then up and
>down her neck in soft strokes. Ah, I see... he does want her. Ari's lucky and unlucky, all at once...;-)
>
>Alarms went off in her head but she ignored them. For
>far too long she had wanted this; wished for it even.
> Every soft stroke across her skin sent waves of
>pulsating energy throughout her body. His touch was
>sweet torture. If this was Aiden’s idea of
>punishment, she’d take it.
>
>“It’s odd,” he said stopping his touch abruptly.
>
>“What is,” she murmured wishing he hadn’t.
>
>“Tiernan.” He watched as she turned her head towards
>his and gave him a quizzical stare. “Well, it’s just
>that he said he was going to the loo but isn’t that in
>the opposite direction of the sitting room where you
>were?”
>
>Oh crap! By the stare he was giving her, she knew he
>was back to that again. Ok let’s just clear the air
>right now. No more games tonight. “Alright Aiden,
>say what you need to say. Spill it.” She could
>feel his controlled energy radiating outward, and
>became annoyed. I’m not a child. What the hell was
>wrong with him? “Well, are you going to tell me
>what’s wrong?”
>
>Was she serious? What’s wrong? Narrowing his eyes
>he gave a small chuckle then said dryly, “What’s
>wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You lied.”
>
>“Oh really.”
>
>“Yes, really. I know what you and Tiernan were
>doing.”
>
>How dare he assume. Anger began to swell inside her.
>“You know nothing Aiden. You’re making a wild
>assumption based on what? Your intuition. Give me a
>break.” She folded her arms across her chest and
>glared at him.
>
>“It wasn’t intuition. I felt your sexual energy rise.
> I heard you moan his name. Bloody hell…At least in
>the past you were nice enough to spare me the moans
>and groans.” Poor jealous boy...
>
>“That’s it,” she yelled throwing her arms up in
>disgusted frustration. “You know what Aiden…kiss my
>ass!” With a quick shove, she moved away from him and
>uttered, “Think what you want. You always do.”
>POV shift again
>Oh hell no. You aren’t walking away from me, he
>thought angrily as multiple lightning flashes appeared
>outside. Reaching out he grabbed one of her hands,
>pulled If you use a different word, like 'grabbed' or 'snatched', then you can avoid the use of the 'roughly' adverb. her roughly back towards him then up against
>the wall. Ari’s temper rose higher at the
>mistreatment, he could tell. She pushed back at him
>with her free hand but he caught that one too. How
>he loved it when she had that fire in her eyes. With
>both her hands held captive in his he pulled them high
>overhead. Emerald eyes narrowed at him; Her eyes are emerald? It's a little unclear. he smiled.
>Trying to escape his firm grasp Ari began to squirm
>and twist her body. The grinding movements excited
>him as did her energy. With his body against hers, he
>tilted his head just slightly towards her ear. “Ahhh
>Ari…Ari…Ari. Whatever am I going to do with you?”
>
>With only one hand he pinned hers above her head.
>Try as she might, she couldn’t break free. The
>strength and power in which he held her was amazing;
>looking at him you’d never know how strong he truly
>was.Describe his appearance and why his strength was surprising Struggling again to break free of his firm hold,
>she fumed, “Let me go you prat.” Why doesn’t he let
>go? This is ridiculous and…frustrating. Not being
>able to move was irritating. Lightning flashed close
>by and she saw that he was smiling like the Cheshire
>cat. His eyes were no longer glaring but…there was
>something lurking there. Not anger but…The jerk loved
>this. He was enjoying her predicament and struggle.
>“Aiden. Let me go,” she demanded.
>
>“Well now my Arienh you know I can’t do that. You’ve
>been very…” Pausing for a second he then moved his
>mouth very close to her ear and whispered softly,
>“naughty.”
>
>Holy shit! Her eyes widened then shut. There was
>no mistaken 'mistaking' the tone and timbre in his voice. With
>just one word her body came alive and was on fire.
>Was it possible to spontaneously combust? Gone was
>the anger and irritation from earlier. Frustration
>was still there but a different kind was building
>inside her. The beating of her heart had
>intensified. Could he hear it? His mouth was still
>at her ear and his breath was hot. Her heightened
>nerves were tingling at the sensation. Yes, she
>thought as his roughened fingers made their way softly
>over her skin. I’m going to explode. Try as she
>might she couldn’t form words to protest, but then,
>did she truly want to? I suspect not. Good images! She shook her head back and
>forth.
> POV shift again
>With a smile on his face he wondered if she knew how
>beautiful she looked right now. Every touch on her
>skin made her aura shimmer in bright light. Her
>energy was strong, full and washing over him. With a
>deep breath he leaned in again and inhaled her scent;
>a mixture of floral and spice. It was heaven to him.
> Control Aiden…control. “Are you claiming
>innocence?” When she nodded her head, he noticed how
>her emerald eyes sparkled in the faint light.
>Smiling, he leaned his head over again to her ear.
>“There’s something inside me my sweet Ari that says
>you’re not so innocent.” Cupping her chin between
>his thumb and index finger he held her head still.
>“Did he touch your lips Ari?” With his index finger
>he began a slow deliberate trace over her lips.
>Removing his finger he took the back of his hand and
>gently caressed her cheek. “Or was this what he did?”
> POV shift
>The sound of his soft voice drove her to distraction;
>she couldn’t think…or breathe. This was torture;
>every touch brought her flame higher. In the past
>she had always wanted to feel his touch on her body
>but she could only imagine what it would feel like,
>and lord, it was nothing like this. His hand was
>moving toward her shoulder now. When did he undo her
>shirt? The roughness of his fingertips over her soft
>skin, sent shivers in and outside of her body.
>Aiden’s hands held magic like no other; he weaved his
>spell in every soft stroke and caress.
> POV
> With just the slightest touch he skimmed his fingers
>to the hollow in her throat then began a feathery,
>sideways touch downwards until his fingers hit the
>start of her cleavage. “Did he make you tremble
>like this?” Making slow circles with his fingers he
>moved across her silk covered breast. It was evident
>to him drop 'to him'. If we're in his POV we know who it's evident to.she wore no bra under the change 'the' to 'her' camisole she wore drop, 'she wore' as
>her hardened peaks were visible. “Did he touch you
>here?” He took a deep breath for more control as he
>began to trace around the stiff nipple. Her audible
>gasp made him desire her even more. “I bet you liked
>it...didn’t you? Do you like this?” I think she does!
> POV
>Lightening bolts hit her when he touched her breast.
>Pure energy rushed through her entire body; she wanted
>more, she craved it - needed it. His hardness was
>pressed against her hip. She moved her body and
>arched her hips so that she could feel him fully.
>Desire, passion, lust…it filled her entire being; she
>ached with need. With every pull on her nipple she
>pushed against him with her hips and he grew larger.
>The need to touch him, to rake her nails over Aiden’s
>skin was strong but he held her hands captive.
>Please, she screamed out in her mind knowing he would
>hear.
> POV
>“Please,” he questioned softly in her ear. “Please
>what? Do you want me to stop?” He flicked his
>tongue across her lobe then slowly kissed the side of
>her neck several times. “Did he please you?” With
>soft kisses he worked his way up her throat then
>stopped. Staring deeply into her eyes he gently
>pinched her nipple and watched as she closed her eyes
>in sweet surrender. “My sweet Ari, when will you
>learn?” Her eyes were filled with passion as she
>thrust and pushed her hips up against him. He could
>take her here, right now, if he wanted. She’d let him
>and he wanted to but… This wasn’t how he wanted their
>first time to be. Now he understood why Tiernan was
>infatuated with her. The energy she sent out - her
>power was addicting. Removing his hand from her
>nipple he brought it up to join the other one that was
>still clasping hers. Tilting his head he took a deep
>breath. Gods he had to stop now if he didn’t...he
>looked down into her beautiful green eyes, the ones
>that had plagued him for centuries.
> POV
>Amazingly gorgeous she thought as she stared up into
>his eyes. Tremors of his forceful energy pulsated
>into her hands. Lightning still danced and flashed
>outside creating light shadows in which to see him and
>he was devilishly angelic.Nice contrasting image. The way his dark, wavy
>hair fell over his prominent cheekbones. His eyes
>penetrated into her very being, claiming once again
>her already captured soul. But now… Now he held her
>heart too. Leaning her head forward she moved so
>that her lips were barely grazing his. Watching his
>eyes she licked his lower lip with her tongue. She
>stopped then smiled when she felt his energy course
>through her like a vibratory hum. Once more she
>darted her tongue out and traced his upper lip.
>Where’s your control now Aiden, she thought as she
>felt him shiver in delight at her playfulness. One
>kiss Aiden, just one. Her lips barely grazed his
>when a loud crash followed by a scream was heard.
>They both jumped at the unexpectedness and moved apart.
I very much like the tension you built here. That they are almost obsessed with one another is clear. I suggest you choose a point of view and stay with it or write teh scene from one POV entirely and then write it again from the other. Might make it interesting, just how differently each one of them sees the same things. You've got a lot of nice imagery and emotion going here, I would just try to show more and tell less. I'm horrible at it myself, but have to remind myself with every sentance to do it. A suggestion given to me once was to involve at least three of teh five senses, and these characters have a sixth: their awareness of one another through their close link. Play weith that and show us what they see and feel on all those levels. This has the makings of a fabulous story and I'm anxio0usly awaiting the next installment!
debikm