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Date Posted: 20:06:23 05/08/10 Sat
Author: 
debikm
Subject: Re: Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal.
In reply to:
Promise
's message, "Re: Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal." on 18:48:27 05/08/10 Sat
>Gebicar’s thoughts drifted like the motes lit by the
>shaft of late-afternoon sunlight that broke through
>the dense forest canopy above as his feet carried him
>across the rough terrain, his arms reaching
>automatically to move aside brush, branch and bramble.
>His body was long accustomed to the rigors and dangers
>of the harsh terrain, and, outwardly, his attention
>appeared to be fully occupied by his environment, but
>his deeper mind was left unencumbered. Although he’d
>been hardened to quickly covering long distances afoot
>as a young boy, he’d never gotten truly comfortable
>with the mindless tediousness that a journey of any
>length always entailed. The impatient boy had grown
>into a man of swift decision and immediate action,
>curtailed only by the limits imposed on him by man—and
>he frequently stretched those to their breaking point
>and beyond. First impressions: Very eloquent imagery, though some of your sentances are a bit long. Sill, I'm follwing along easily. Here, I'm not quite sure what you meant by man. Mankind in general, particular men? If mankind, does this imply he is more than mere man? Intriguing.
And yet his men followed him
>unwaiveringly Can make this just unwavering and I'm NOT the adverb Nazi here ;-) *ducking and running*—battle after battle, raid after
>raid—carving out their place in the land, marking this
>bit of earth as their own. First alongside his father,
>and now on his own, Gebicar was determined to widen
>and strengthen his people’s hold on this land to which
>his great-grandfather had brought them.
>
>They were the Burgundars, and they were forcing the
>other tribes to make room for them in this rich land
>between the three waters. The cost had not been small,
>but there was glory awaiting those who fell in battle
>in the halls of Valhöll (or among the angels of
>heaven, if you were one of the new Christ-men).Nice commentary on changing time, and maybe a bit of foreboding? And
>while there was never actual peace between them, their
>relations with the Suebars to the West, the Rugiars
>and Gepidars to the North, the Gothars and Venedars to
>the East, and the Lugiars to the South, was largely
>one of trade. At least these peoples lived much as his
>own did, unlike that curious tribe, the Romars, whose
>people they occasionally encountered. He’d heard it
>told that their jarl claimed to be a god and ruler of
>the whole earth! Silly Romars! The Romars, themselves, those that
>he’d met, seemed to be no more than men, though queer
>in dress, manner, and speech. He’d seen them fall,
>mortal as any other man and he’d seen they required
>food and drink and were susceptible to the evils of
>too much mead and the charms of woman, same as any
>other man. And besides, their small bands appeared too
>infrequently for them to be of much concern. The
>weather, the land itself and the other tribes around
>them, the ever present threat of starvation and
>disease, whatever it was the Norns chose to weave into
>the fabric of one’s life—those were the immediate
>concerns that lived at the edges of one’s
>consciousness.
>
>In addition to defending against raiders from other
>tribes and leading raids into the lands of those same
>tribes, as he, and his band of warriors, made the
>circuit of the current borders of their lands, from
>the Wistla to the Odra, he secured not only their hold
>on the land, but the loyalty of his people, as they
>came to him with their problems and petitions, and he
>collected tallage and recruited new warriors. Long sentance! And the word 'land'/lands' was used three times, which rhymes with 'band'. It started getting a bit sing-song. These
>were the duties of a jarl—in his person was justice
>and judgement. And yet there was one duty left undone.
>One that his father had wanted to see fulfilled before
>his death—which came quickly following a wound taken
>just three years ago in a raid against the Suebars—and
>which is'his"? mother reminded him constantly.
>
>Not that he hadn’t sired a handful of bastards—any
>virile young warrior had at least a by-blow or two—but
>all but one of them (those he knew about anyway)
>hadn’t survived beyond a year or two and the one
>remaining was a sweet and pretty girl that he doted
>upon the few times he’d seen her. A son and heir is
>what he needed—many sons. He knew that lesson well—all
>his brothers, older and younger, having died before
>manhood or not long after. Life was hard. Children
>died. It was just You can drop 'just' I think, to make a tighter sentance. the way of the world.
>The early-autumn sun’s light began to fade. The air,
>already crisply cool, took on a sharper chill. At the
>bottom of a rise, near a rivulet, Gebicar came to a
>stop. Turning to his companions, “We’ll stop here
>awhile,” he announced, “I’ve a need to s---.”
No worries about language here. My excerpts frequently have far worse and we've even had whole threads of nothing but sex scenes. So, don't feel you have to censor yourself. Of course, a really racy scene could have a NSFW or little eyes warning.
>“Shall I start a fire?” asked Eberhart. >
>“’Tis, nearing dark,” Búi observed. “Perhaps we should
>set up camp,”
>
>“I’ve a mind to sleep indoors tonight, in a proper
>bed, with a proper bedfellow. How much further to your
>keep, Baldür?”
>
>“In good light and fair weather at least a half day’s
>brisk walk. The path beyond this stream is mostly
>uphill, with many loose rocks.”
>
>“Ah, well, I suppose I’ll have to settle for another
>night of rough sleep with your farts for company,”
>Gebicar called over his shoulder as he made his way
>into the brush.
>
>The men laughed and began to unload their gear,
>talking and joking amongst themselves as they set
>about the making of a rough camp, refilling water
>skins, walking a few yards into the woods to s--- or
>p--- and bringing wood for the fire upon their return.
>The youngest men of the group quickly set about making
>a fire and getting water boiling, tossing into pots a
>few handfuls of grains, some dried fish and salt-pork,
>a bit of bitter greens gathered from the side of the
>road. Those lucky enough to capture small game along
>their day’s trek, set about skinning the carcasses and
>setting them to roast over the fire, spitted on
>sharpened sticks of green wood.
>
>
>Later, they sat around the fire, passing around the
>skin of mead and picking their teeth with bones. The
>last of the pottage had been scraped from the cookpot
>and if every man was not filled to his satisfaction,
>they at least had something warm in their bellies,
>which was more than all 'many', perhaps? Or does everyone go to bed hungry? folk could say at night. Tired
>from the day’s travel, but not yet ready to sleep, the
>conversations and jokes continued, punctuated by
>belches and farts and the occasional rasping sound
>followed by a hiss from the fire as a man coughed and
>spat into the flames. “Tell me, Baldür,” said Gebicar,
>“has your sister fairly grown into a woman, then?
>Answer me truthfully man, for I’ve pledge 'pledged'? to you
>already that I would have her.”
>
>“Truthfully, I cannot tell you,” Baldür replied. “I
>have not seen the girl myself in six years, since she
>was but a girl of 10 and you know well how they are at
>that age, all legs and arms and freckles.” At this all
>the men round chuckled. “She has been fostered with my
>uncle, who has two daughters of a similar age since
>the death of our mother. I’d wanted to bring her back
>to be a companion to my wife when I married, but I’m
>afraid my uncle has spoiled her and she would not
>leave her cousins.”
>
>“Would not, ay? What kind of man, is he, your uncle,
>that he allows a maiden to disobey her brother?” Búi
>called from the other side of the fire, laughing and
>elbowing his neighbors.
>
>“A good and kind man who has cared for his sister’s
>daughter as if she were his own, with no thought to
>recompense from his nephew,” Gebicar said, standing
>with one arm holding back Baldür, who had risen, knife
>and fist drawn, tensed to leap across the fire at Búi.
>
>Careless of the anger steaming off of Baldür,Maybe move "Bui answered" to here, and remove it from below. It's a bit choppy as it stands. “Even
>so, it’s a poor thing when a maiden is allowed her own
>way,“ Búi answered, turning from his neighbors to
>Gebicar, “and what if she says she will not be having
>you? As like to take a Valkyrie to your bed as an
>unwilling woman, as well you know. You’re like to be
>sleeping in your marriage bed alone.”
>
>At this, Baldür slipped past Gebicar’s grip and
>launched himself upon Búi, knocking them both back
>into the darkness beyond the light of the fire. Grunts
>and blows and the crackling of leaves and snapping of
>twigs could be heard as the two men grappled, their
>efforts rolling them further into the underbrush. The
>other men turned back to the fire, exchanging stories
>of their own encounters with thorny women. “Don’t
>mind him,” Eberhart said, handing the skin of mead to
>Gebicar and clapping him upon the back, “You know he’s
>been bitter ever since his wife decided not to risk
>again the childbed and makes him sleep on the floor
>with the dogs. Besides,” he added, as Gebicar handed
>the skin back to him, “what maid wouldn’t want to be
>the wife of the Jarl?”
Indeed?
>
>Morning crept upon the forest. Gebicar’s band of
>warriors woke to the sounds of the forest waking all
>around them. Men stumbled off lean against a tree and
>take their morning p---, others drank deeply from the
>skins, swishing the liquid around to dissolve the
>nighttime scum. Bread, cheese, and sausages were
>brought to hand as packs were loaded back up and the
>remains of the fire scuffed out. Baldür and Búi,
>keeping clear of one another, moved gingerly, cuts and
>bruises from their scuffle showing livid upon their
>faces, hands and arms. Búi’s tunic was cut through in
>several places and showed dark and stiff with dried
>blood. The left leg of Baldür’s leggings was rent and
>he wrapped a length of cord around it to hold it
>closed. Despite the ferocity of the conflict, they’d
>managed not to kill each other, for which Gebicar was
>very glad. Not only were both men good friends and two
>of his fiercest fighters, he didn’t want to have to
>waste time setting out by having to dig a grave. Their
>belongings gathered, the men set out, easily crossing
>the rivulet with a giant step, breaking their fast as
>they went. Too early for conversation or song, the
>band was silent except for the sound of footfalls on
>detritus and undergrowth, the occasional curse as a
>rock turned underfoot, and the farts and belches that
>accompany any group of men.
>
>Not an hour had passed before the ground began to
>change and the men found themselves working steadily
>uphill. The grade was not steep and yet the going was
>slow, as Baldür had warned the night before, the
>ground was littered with large, loose stones. Fully
>warmed and awakened now by the effort of keeping pace,
>bits of quiet conversation floated back and forth
>amongst the men. Gebicar, however, remained silent,
>his mind occupied by his dreams from the night before.
>More troubled by Búi’s comments than he cared to
>admit, his dreams had been haunted. He’d gone
>repeatedly to his bridal bed, and each time there’d
>been a new horror waiting—a wolf, a bear, a troll—each
>one devouring him as he attempted to bed his fiendish
>bride. Wow, brave man, even in a dream, or hard-up;-) He’d awakened in the night, drenched in sweat
>and breathless. Fearful of the dreams returning, he’d
>relieved the man on watch and kept himself What? Awake? Kept the watch himself? all the
>rest of the night.
>
>Perhaps because of the dreams, or perhaps it was only
>the nervousness all bridegrooms feel, he was no longer
>in any hurry to arrive at Baldür’s village. He gave
>instructions to his men to hunt any large pray they
>came upon along the way, saying he wanted to arrive
>with a large gift of meats for the upcoming bridal
>feast, knowing full well the delay this would provide.
>He was relieved when, about mid-morning, the fresh
>spoor of a boar was spotted.
>
>[add in here the hunt of the boar]
>
>
>Late that night, the men approached the village, the
>boar strung between two stout poles, born 'borne' on each end
>by three men. Exhausted, but their blood still up from
>the hunt, then men were eager for food, ale, song, and
>the bed of a soft woman, and they weren’t so
>particular about in which order these things came.
>Baldür instructed the men carrying the boar to hang it
>from the tree next to the storage hut, to keep the
>village dogs from the carcass, while he and Gebicar
>went to his own house.
>
>She was on the floor, in the space cleared of rushes
>before the fire’s hearthstones. On her hands and
>knees, her naked breasts swinging as the man behind
>her bucked and thrust. Her face was obscured, her
>mouth filled with the c--- of the man before her,
>sliding back and forth along its length in rhythm with
>the pounding from her other end. The skin of all three
>was reddened with effort and excitement and glistened
>in the firelight. The men grunted and groaned. The
>woman moaned around her mouthful of flesh. There was
>wet sound of skin smacking and then a slurping,
>sucking sound as the woman drew the phallus from her
>mouth. Rocking furiously back into the man behind her
>she threw back her head and yelled, “Yes! Yes! Pound
>my c---!” Turning her head to the two stunned men in
>the doorway, her eyes heavy and unfocused with
>passion, she said “I’ve only the three holes, but I’ll
>f--- you two blind as soon as the two here are
>finished,” and turned back to working with her mouth. Wow, that was unexpected! And by the two newcomers as well!
>
>Baldür burst forward, grabbing the girl by the hair,
>dragging her away from the two men, while at the same
>time, bashing each man in turn upside the head with a
>club of wood, knocking them cold. The girl was
>screaming and clawing at him. Gebicar stepped forward,
>grabbing hold of her wrists and twisting her arms
>behind her back. The girl stopped screaming and spat
>in Baldür’s face. Baldür slapped her hard, twice.
>Stunned, the girl was still for a moment. His eyes and
>veins bulging, his face and neck empurpled, and his
>breathing heavy with rage, he grabbed the girl by the
>chin, his fingers digging into her cheeks and made her
>look him in the eye.
>
>At this moment, another woman, this one modestly
>dressed and heavy with pregnancy appeared in the
>doorway, accompanied by a three year old girl, whom
>she quickly shoved behind her skirts. “Baldür! What-”
>Before she could say another word, the naked girl went
>rigid with shock. Without letting go of the girl’s
>face, Baldür turned to Gebicar and said, between
>clenched teeth, “Gebicar, this is my wife,
>Amalasuintha,” nodding his head towards the door, “and
>our daughter, Blodueyn, and this” turning his head
>back to glare at the girl between them, “is my sister,
>Dagmær.”
The bride-to-be?!?! Holy shit, Batman...
I enjoyed this a lot. I can tell you've done a great deal of research into the time period and it shows. What I'm missing is descriptions, what Gebicar is seeing, what the mens' individual characteristics are, what kind of trees they're walking among, what they smell besides each others farts? You've got a lot of detail but I think you need to show us more than tell us. I'm horribly guilty of the same thing all the time and you will have ample opportunity to tell me the same thing, I assure you. But you've laid the groundwork for an intricate and fascinating tale. It sounds very ambitious but with an opening like this, I think you're well on your way and I look forward to reading more and finding out what happens!
As always, take what you find of my suggestion that are helpful and run with it. Anything you disagree with, please ignore.
Happy writing!
Debi
Last edited by author: Sat May 08, 2010 20:09:14
Edited 1 time.
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Re: Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal. -- Promise, 20:45:01 05/08/10 Sat
Debi,
Thank you! Your comments are all very helpful. I definitely have some good ideas now for how to improve the passage in the next draft.
I guess you can see I still struggle with doing dialogue without repeating "he said" ad infinitum. :0)
Yes, I've always struggled with the show/tell. I can pick up on it when others are/aren't doing it in their own work, but I have a difficult time doing it myself. Do you have any recommendations on how to do this?
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Re: Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal. -- Promise, 21:28:30 05/08/10 Sat
Without changing over to 1st person, that is?
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Well...;-) -- debikm, 21:37:24 05/08/10 Sat
>Debi,
>
>Thank you! Your comments are all very helpful. I
>definitely have some good ideas now for how to improve
>the passage in the next draft.
Glad I could help.
>
>I guess you can see I still struggle with doing
>dialogue without repeating "he said" ad infinitum. :0)
That's something I've fought with too. Instead of 'he'said', 'she said', I've found that indicating the speaker by their action can mix things up. Or pure dialogue can be fun, as long as the reader can tell who's speaking which lines.
>
>Yes, I've always struggled with the show/tell. I can
>pick up on it when others are/aren't doing it in their
>own work, but I have a difficult time doing it myself.
>Do you have any recommendations on how to do
>this?
LOL... if I did, maybe I wouldn't be getting my hand smacked for it all the time. I guess just be mindful while you're writing about the action to show what that person sees, hears, smells, etc. I slip up and stray into another charatcer's POV so obviously I need to work on it myself.
And something very simple that always works for your writing in general is read it out loud! Your ears can catch things your eyes will miss. I've read Old Dogs so MANY times, that I don't catch things I should. That's whay I crave the help this board provides so much. You have no idea how excited I am we have new kids in the sandbox!
Debi
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