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Page Page, 16:36:53 05/12/10 Wed
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Thank you, Fi! -- Page, 13:29:37 05/23/10 Sun
>Hi Page,
>
>I get a really clear picture of Sherry here. She's
>gutsy, able to assess a situation quickly and take
>advantage of it, and in posession of a healthy libido
>:) The only note that struck me as false was the
>description of her as a "cowering titmouse"; the rest
>of the passage makes her very un-titmouse-like.
Oh, I'm so glad you said this! It lets me know I need to work on Sherry's confusion and attack of nerves at finding herself in the presence of Geoff so unexpectedly. If she's prepared, she can handle herself, but this one hit her out of nowhere and she was spinning. Until she heard about that new album and her determination to get that interview made her forget to be nervous. But I haven't managed to convey that she was nervous. So I shall work on that!
>
>Geoff comes across as very self-confident and laid
>back. I don't see his character quite as strongly as
>Sherry's, but that's ok at this point because we are
>seeing him through her eyes and she's still getting to
>know him.
Yay! Geoff is self-confident and laid back. And very, very jaded.
>
>It took me a while to determine that the "gorilla-like
>security goon", "the large man" and "the bewildered
>behemoth" were the same person. I suggest you pick one
>or two names to refer to him throughout.
You're right, and I agree. He doesn't really have a name yet, and I wasn't sure how to refer to him.
>
>A few places I noted that the text could be tightened
>with no loss of meaning:
>
>>she was held captive by the hands of gorilla-like security goon
>the
>
>>Other than her abductor, there were two more men
>seated opposite her in the car.
>
>>Geoff Albright sat sprawled in glorious
>abandon,
>
>>Sherry came out of her state of shock
>
>>The soft voice with its British accent
>
>>It was almost funny to watch how fast
>the smile faded from Geoff’s face.
Thank you! Great suggestions, and ones I need since I tend to get (very) wordy!
I appreciate SO MUCH your taking the time to look this over!
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Ah, the first meeting -- debikm, 20:46:02 05/14/10 Fri
>Excerpt from working title Royal Orleans
>©2010 by Juli Page Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique only and does not
>constitute publication
>
>It was like being caught in a blender; tossed about, a
>crazy whirl of lights and sound, sharp jabs from
>unseen elbows. Sherry fought it as best she could,
>but she was held captive by cut 'the hands of' the
>gorilla-like security goon security gorilla? I love them mental picture I get from this: black suit white shirt, tie and no neck. and there was no way to
>break his grip as he dragged her through the crush of
>people to the limo.
>
>Tossed without ceremony into the back of the car, her
>escape was thwarted as King Kong climbed in after her.
> Scooting across the seat away from him, her gaze
>swept the rest of the car with apprehension. Other
>than her abductor, there were two more men seated
>opposite her in the car. One of them, a thin, balding
>man who bore a strong resemblance to Woody Allen, was
>muttering into the car phone, apparently oblivious to
>his surroundings. As Sherry’s eyes moved to the man
>across from her, she caught her breath in recognition
>and her hand froze in the act of reaching for the door
>handle.
>
>Geoff Albright sat sprawled in glorious abandon, his
>head thrown back and his arms crossed over his eyes.
>His long legs stretched toward Sherry, and despite the
>current situation she couldn’t help but admire their
>lean lines and the way the black denim hugged his
>thighs. Her eyes rose to his neck and she resisted
>the urge to lick her lips. She was freaky about a
>well-formed neck on a man anyway, and Geoff’s was the
>most tempting she’d ever seen. I can appreciate Sherry's appreciation, but a neck fetish? This is a new one on me .;-) What the hell, if some guys can prefer feet to boobs, who am I to judge?
>
>She gave herself a stern mental shake. This was no
>time to lose her senses lusting over this man,
>wondering what he’d look like sitting there without
>that shirt, golden brown hair cascading over his bare
>shoulders, chest ripe for the touching, maybe the top
>button on his jeans undone…Stop that! There were more
>important considerations that cut 'needed' to be addressed;
>mainly how in the world had she ended up in a car with
>Geoff-oh-my-God-Albright in the first place? She
>watched him like a cowering titmouse would a hawk
>taking its repose in a nearby tree, but he showed no
>awareness she was cut 'even' there.
>
>As the driver put the car into gear and roared away
>from the club, Sherry came out of her state of shock
>and found her voice. “Excuse me, but just what the
>hell is going on?”
>
>Woody cut 'broke off his phone conversation and'. Implied from the following looked at
>her as if she had two heads. “I’ll call you back,” he
>barked into the phone before slamming it down and
>glaring at Sherry. “How the fuck did you get in here?”
>
cut 'Returning his glare', 'glare/glaring' close together. Probably fine without this. Sherry jerked her thumb at the
>goon next to her. “Ask Muscles there. He’s the one
>who grabbed me and threw me in here.”
>
>The large man looked confused. “She’s not with us?”
>
>“Well, look who just grew a brain,” Woody snarled at
>the bewildered behemoth. He transferred his wrath to
>Sherry. “Get out.”
>
>“Like hell I will!” Eyes wide with outrage, Sherry
>crossed her arms over her chest and sat her ass more
>firmly on the seat. “You’re not putting me out alone
>in this neighborhood in the middle of the night.”
>
>“Don’t be daft, Teddy.” The soft voice with its
>British accent overrode Woody’s – make that Teddy’s –
>objections, and all eyes turned to Geoff who was
>looking at Sherry from under his crossed arms. “You
>don’t have to get out, sweetheart. Ignore him.”
>
>“Gee, thanks.” Sherry tried to control the trembling
>in her legs. In all her fantasies of being in a limo
>with Geoff Albright, this scenario had never come up.
>“So where exactly is this car headed, may I ask?”
>
>One corner of Geoff’s mouth turned up in a smile.
>“Some radio station’s throwing a party and asked me to
>stop in for a bit.”
>
>“Radio station?” On full alert, Sherry sat up and
>leaned forward. “What radio station?”
>
>Geoff raised his arms from his eyes and rested them on
>top of his head. “Is it important?”
>
>“You bet it is,” she informed him. “I work for the
>number one station in the New Orleans market, and I
>know for damn sure we’re not throwing any parties
>tonight.”
>
>A lazy grin made the corners of Geoff’s eyes crinkle,
>and Sherry discovered crow’s-feet were a definite
>turn-on. “Number one, hm?” He looked her up and down
>with appraisal. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”
>
>Sherry answered the challenge in those dove-grey eyes.
> “My name’s Sherry Moretti. I do mid-days at Rock
>107, and yes, I’m number one in my time slot. So are
>all the people I work with.” A sudden thought made
>her lips quirk in amusement. “Oh, my God. Don’t tell
>me this shindig’s being thrown by Z98.”
>
>Geoff turned his head toward Teddy with an expectant
>look. “Well?”
>
>With ill grace, Teddy took a notebook from where it
>lay beside him and flipped through the pages. After a
>moment, he nodded. “Yeah, that’s it. Z98.” He
>tossed the notebook aside and gave Sherry a withering
>stare. “What of it, Miss Number One?”
>
>Clapping her hands over her mouth did nothing to
>stifle the laughter that burst out of her. “Oh, this
>is classic!” Giggling, she pointed cut 'a finger' at Geoff.
> “If you value your reputation at all, you won’t allow
>them to take any photographs of you at this thing.”
>
>Appearing delighted by her laughter, Geoff grinned.
>“And why not?”
>
>Sherry pushed her hair back, still giggling. “Because
>A – their ratings are behind the local country
>station, and B – they don’t even play your solo
>album.” It was almost funny to watch how fast the
>smile faded from Geoff’s face. “Not a track,” she
>told him with mock sympathy. “Oh, they do play White
>Heather – in their oldies rotation.”
>
>“Oldies?” Geoff’s arms lowered and he pushed himself
>upright. He turned to Teddy with a snarl. “Some
>manager you are. If they don’t play my bleedin’ music
>why do they want me at their fucking party?” A frown
>drew his eyebrows together. “You don’t think they’ve
>found out I’m doing an album with Xander, do you?”
>
>Teddy’s eyes widened with alarm and he jerked his head
>toward Sherry. Geoff turned to look at her, wariness
>evident on his face.
>
>Sherry’s smile was that of a woman who just won the
>lottery; in terms of her job, she just had. “I won’t
>tell a soul,” she assured him. “That is if you’ll do
>an interview with me on my show.”
Good girl!!
>Geoff started to smile again and eyed her with
>admiration. “And if I don’t, Miss Number One?”
>
>“It’s your call.” Sherry shrugged, her smile
>broadening into a grin. “But if you don’t I’ll just
>track down Xander Wilson, tell him I heard the news
>from you, and get his side of the story.” His soft
>laugh encouraged her. “I’d much rather get it from
>you, though.”
>
>“And I’d much rather give it to you.”
>
>Sherry blessed the soft, indistinct lighting as she
>felt her cheeks flame. She’d have to watch what she
>said around this man. Much of her boldness had fled
>at his double entendre, but she couldn’t pass up the
>opportunity to pin him down to an exclusive interview.
> Her numbers would shoot through the roof at the news
>Geoff was working with Xander again! “So?” she asked,
>injecting a note of amusement into her voice. “Can I
>book the interview?”
>
>The look in Geoff’s eyes changed, and Sherry repressed
>a shiver; the cowering titmouse had just been spotted
>by the hawk. “Yes.” He held up a hand as she opened
>her mouth to speak. “But on one condition: You be my
>escort at this little party tonight.”
>
>A brief laugh shook Sherry’s shoulders. “They won’t
>let me in; they’re too intimidated by me.”
>
>Geoff’s soft laugh tickled her ears. “They will if
>you’re with me. Do we have a deal, Miss Number One?”
>
>“The name’s Sherry, and yes; we have a deal.”
Love it! Sherry is quite a girl and Geoff is British. What's not to love? Hurry and give me more!
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Thank you, Debi! >>> -- Page, 13:34:25 05/23/10 Sun
As always, your super eye has caught the very things I need to eliminate/change. Thank you!
And the neck thing? Oh, yum. A beautifully molded neck with smooth skin, just waiting to be licked...erm, sorry. But as Paige2 would say, humina humina humina! *G*
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Re: Word count: 1,323. Step this way >>> -- Paige2, 12:46:53 05/15/10 Sat
Since the other's already gave you the crit. I'm just going to say, I really love these characters and can't wait to see where and what they do next.
Keep writing...love it!!
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Thanks, Steph! >>> -- Page, 13:36:56 05/23/10 Sun
I can't wait to see what they do next, too! I mean, I do know what they'll be doing, but they tend to surprise me in the ways they do it, know what I mean?
And keep telling me to keep writing, because although I have all these ideas swirling round in my head, I'm in a major funk when it comes to actually writing them!
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Re: Word count: 1,323. Step this way >>> -- Promise, 01:10:04 05/19/10 Wed
Aside from a bit of polishing and correcting some punctuation here and there....
Damn good bit of writing. Your dialogue is so natural! Can you tell I'm green w/ envy? ;0)
I want to keep reading!
Looking forward to the next posting!
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Thanks, Promise! >>> -- Page, 13:39:17 05/23/10 Sun
*blush* Thank you so much! It's comments like these that make me want to continue, even when I hit a major block!
Thank you again! It really means a lot!
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