Date Posted:12:50:53 05/18/10 Tue Author: Debi Subject: Isn't he though? In reply to:
Fi
's message, "Daniel is a sweetie >>>" on 05:51:33 05/18/10 Tue
>Hi Debi,
>
>More good stuff from Valerie & co. As usual, the
>following are just my suggestions, take or leave as
>you like.
>
>>There was motion, outlined by the setting sun over the
>>water, coming from the house.
>Slightly confusing. Maybe Outlined by the sun
>setting over the water, motion came from the house.
>
Good point.
>
>>the aroma of the day emanating from her clothing
>quelled the impulse.
>This seemed a bit "writery", drawing attention to the
>writing rather than the story. Maybe something a bit
>simpler, like she stopped when she smelled her
>clothes.
Guilty as charged. I'm a word nerd.;-)
>
>>Valerie sucked in a deep breath through
>her nose
>Or:
>>Valerie sucked in a deep breath through her
>nose
>
>> Valerie could hear her voice grow shrill but she
>couldn’t stop.
>Might work better if this came in the middle of the
>speech e.g.
>“First thing, Karen and Lisa called in sick. That’s
>not a problem, the stomach bug they’ve got I don’t
>want. But the kennel was a mess, so I cleaned it up,
>walked all the dogs, the usual." Valerie could hear
>her voice grow shrill but she couldn’t stop. "Then the
>first appointments started showing up. I checked them
>in, got them in the rooms, pulled their labs,
>vaccines....."
>
>>Daniel listened with infinite patience.
>How does he show this patience? Nodding, holding her
>hand, the look in his eyes?
Damn, telling, not showing again!
>
>>“Kill him.”
>Maybe be more specific, e.g. "stab him with a
>hypodermic needle" or "poison his coffee" :)
This is a possibility. Valerie can be creative when it comes to punishments she'd like to inflict. I've had the "Kill him" reply shoot out of my mouth, pretty much as a reflex, many times in my life.
>
>>His deep chuckle vibrated through his ribs under her
>>hand looped around his waist.
>I had to re-read this sentence to understand it. How
>about: Her hand was looped aroung his waist, so she
>felt the deep chuckle that vibrated through his ribs.
>
Got it! New eyes are good!
>>Nessa’s voice was breathless with excitement and
>Valerie smiled to hear it.
>
>>“Nessa, you know I love you but you’re a worrywart.
>Put your goofy husband on the phone.”
>:D
>
>>Perhaps the potential lightening of his paycheck by
>nearly ten days had some effect on his attitude.
>Not sure I understood this. Did Valerie threatened to
>fire Parker, 10 days short of his contract? Does she
>have the authority to do that, or would she need
>Alan's say-so first? And who would cover for Parker on
>such short notice?
Valerie is practice manager at this point, so she would have this authority. I could explain the structure of relief veterinary but suffice it to say that they fill while the regular doctors are gone, sort of independant contractors. If Valerie is in charge of running the practice while Alan and Nessa are gone, she is within her right to tell Parker to make like a tree if she has someone else she could get to fill in.
>
>Again, a nice characterization. Alan and Nessa are
>good for each other. Her worrying is sometimes useful
>(e.g. when she insisted that Kelly sat in the back
>seat), but Alan's calmness is a good balance for her.
>
>Fi
Thank you. These people that live in my head are real in many ways. I'm glad they translate that way to others.
