| Monday, May 06, 12:23:05pm |
[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search |
Check update time
| Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]
|
[ Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 20:31:46 04/30/10 Fri
Author: 
debikm
Subject: Homework Ho!!!
Come on down! You can be the next participant in this week's prompts!!! What are these lucky contestants choices, Vanna?
1. Picture me this: Click on the links below to see the images that hopefully will inspire something. (Sorry, my html is sucky and I'm too lazy to go find my cheat sheet...)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debikayem/2273417458/in/set-72157603959010395/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debikayem/2996086090/in/set-72157601508282646/
2. Line, please! Use the following line in a scene: "How many times do I have to tell you this?"
Come on and play!
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Replies:
[>
Yes, I'm a homework ho. *G* This particular assignment got me moving on a part I've been trying to write for the past couple of weeks. The Line, Please prompt was what I needed to do it. >>> -- Page, 16:04:16 05/06/10 Thu
(Btw, I'm down to 130,000+ words on Carey On. I just hope when I finish it some agent or editor won't tell me it needs to be fleshed out, or I'll end up on the evening news with my neighbors being interviewed saying, "We never thought anything like this would happen! She just seemed so nice!")
Excerpt from working title Royal Orleans
©2010 by Juli Page Morgan
Posted for purposes of critique and does not constitute publication
Peeing into an empty, sterilized mayonnaise jar at 6:00 a.m. wasn’t Sherry’s favorite way to start a Saturday. Following it up with what amounted to an advanced chemistry exam added to the deterioration of the day. But the two-hour wait to see if her life was about to change forever was the worst.
She sat on her couch with her hands folded in her lap, waiting for the alarm clock to sound her doom. Why she’d set the alarm she didn’t know; it wasn’t like she was going to forget to check the test at the proper time. But the instructions had said to set it, and she’d been sure to follow each of them to the letter.
For the sixtieth time in a minute her eyes checked the large clock hanging over the television. Seven minutes left until she knew for sure. Not that she didn’t already know; she did. Tender breasts, queasy stomach, two missed periods – yeah, she knew.
Sherry had learned one thing – taking two pills the day after missing one didn’t do a damn bit of good. Shocked by recent events and confused by the time change, she’d forgotten to take her birth control pill the morning of Mike’s funeral. That afternoon Geoff had made love to her, his way to celebrate life he’d said. Well, they’d not only celebrated it; they’d started it.
Glancing at the clock again she curbed her impatience to charge into the bathroom and check the test. The instructions said to wait two hours and so she would. Might as well; after all, she’d been painstaking about doing the test right. Of course, she could have done a haphazard job for what it mattered. The end result was the same.
Her mother was going to freak out. Sherry winced as she imagined Marlene’s reaction to the news she was going to be a grandmother. “I told you, Sherry,” she’d say. “Be careful! Don’t do anything stupid! How many times do I have to tell you this?” More than she had, evidently.
The toast and coffee Sherry had for breakfast solidified into a ball in her belly as a low buzz came from the alarm clock in the bedroom signifying time was up. Or maybe it wasn’t her breakfast; there was a lot more going on in her belly now than digestion.
Though her legs trembled, Sherry forced them to carry her into the bedroom where she turned off the alarm clock. She crept toward the bathroom, her actions that of someone expecting to encounter a roomful of rabid dogs. With a deep breath she entered the small room and approached the counter, resisting the urge to cover her eyes the way she did during gory parts of horror movies. But just as she couldn’t resist peeking through her fingers to see if Michael Myers was creeping up behind Jamie Lee Curtis, she couldn’t keep from staring at the pregnancy test next to the sink.
Teeth fixed on her bottom lip she peered at the tiny mirror on the kit. With no sense of surprise she noted the stark black ring in the test tube.
It was official – she was pregnant.
Vertigo overtook her, and she stumbled to the bathtub. Perching on the edge, she lowered her head between her knees until the whirling in her head subsided. Shaking, she sat up and pushed her hair from her sweaty face. She felt weak and wondered if she could make it to the bed. Moving like an old woman, she got to her feet and shuffled into the bedroom where she dropped onto the mattress like a deflated balloon.
Though she hadn’t set foot in a church in years, her Catholic upbringing came roaring back, threatening to swamp her with shame. Pregnant and unmarried; she might as well start stitching the big red “A” to wear on her chest. With irritation she beat the feeling down. She’d never had the least interest in what the Church thought about such matters. And besides, she figured even the Pope would give in if he’d ever been on the receiving end of a kiss from Geoff Albright.
As if they had a mind of their own, her hands rose and settled over her abdomen. Maybe she imagined it, but it seemed like a surge of energy passed from her womb to her palms; in that moment it went from being a pregnancy to being a baby.
“Are you as scared as I am?” she asked, amazed at how calm she sounded. “You don’t need to be. I’ll take care of you.” Funny, she didn’t feel like an idiot talking to the baby. In fact, it was comforting, nice to know she wasn’t alone in this. “Don’t worry if I freak out every now and then. I think that’s normal, so just ignore any rushes of adrenaline that might come your way. There’s so much to do!” She sighed. “I guess the first thing is to tell your father…”
Her heart gave a lurch at the term ‘father,’ and she had to take several deep breaths to push it out of her throat and back to her chest where it belonged. “Sorry ‘bout that. One of those adrenaline things I was talking about.”
Geoff hadn’t been back to New Orleans since he’d left her there after they’d returned from England. He’d headed straight to L.A. to record the new album with Xander, but he hadn’t forgotten her. He called at least twice a week, and almost every other day she found a note from him in the mail; scribbled messages that detailed exactly what he planned to do to her the next time he saw her. The last several notes had been signed “Love, Geoff,” and Sherry had shivered in delight at this new development. But now a different type of shiver shook her. What would he do when he found out she was carrying his child?
During their last phone call Geoff had indicated he might try to sneak away and come see her soon; all she could do was wait for his arrival since she had no intention of telling him over the phone, or worse, writing the news in a letter. No, she had to tell him in person so she could see his eyes when he found out.
With a sigh, she got off the bed and went into the bathroom to clear away the paraphernalia from the pregnancy test. She’d waited two hours for its results, and she supposed she could wait for Geoff to find his way back to New Orleans before she told anyone. She just hoped he’d show up before she had to meet him at the door looking like she’d swallowed a basketball.
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [>
I hoped someone would run with the 'ho' thing! -- debikm, 16:44:19 05/06/10 Thu
Wow, Sherry went from virgin to pregnant?! Cool!
I love her trepidation, the feeling of helplessness, like things have just careening out of control with you hanging on for dear life. But the idea that there's someone to share it with, even if they are about the size of an Egg McMuffin so far, is a great touch.
I want to know what happens next!!!
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [> [>
Oh, I'm all about me some hos (hoes? hose? help!) >>> -- Page, 21:12:33 05/06/10 Thu
>Wow, Sherry went from virgin to pregnant?! Cool!
>I love her trepidation, the feeling of helplessness,
>like things have just careening out of control with
>you hanging on for dear life. But the idea that
>there's someone to share it with, even if they are
>about the size of an Egg McMuffin so far, is a great
>touch.
Believe me, Geoff had made darn sure by this time Sherry was no longer a virgin. *G* And the Egg McMuffin reference? Bwahahaha! I think I might have to use that, with your permission.
>
>I want to know what happens next!!!
Oh, it's good! *BEG*
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [> [> [>
I didn't invent the Egg McMuffin...;-) -- debikm, 22:00:16 05/06/10 Thu
>>Wow, Sherry went from virgin to pregnant?! Cool!
>>I love her trepidation, the feeling of helplessness,
>>like things have just careening out of control with
>>you hanging on for dear life. But the idea that
>>there's someone to share it with, even if they are
>>about the size of an Egg McMuffin so far, is a great
>>touch.
>
>Believe me, Geoff had made darn sure by this time
>Sherry was no longer a virgin. *G* And the Egg
>McMuffin reference? Bwahahaha! I think I might have
>to use that, with your permission.
By all means, though McDonald doesn't demand royalties for being mentioned in literature, do they?
>>
>>I want to know what happens next!!!
>
>Oh, it's good! *BEG*
Aggghhhh!!!! You're killing me here, Page!!!
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [>
Hey Page >>> -- Esther, 09:27:21 05/15/10 Sat
The angst in this piece was phenomenal! The waiting, the words of the past, the forcing herself to go look. I was right there. And then the physical proof and her acceptance. This had a lot in it for such a short scene and you covered it all.
The only thing that made me go hmmm was in the firt paragraph. Two hours? What kind of archaic test was she using? Or is it me in the wrong time-period? *G*
Hugs
Esther
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[>
The Line, please always seems to draw me in... -- debikm, 17:45:02 05/06/10 Thu
Brand new material for Valerie, taking place after the end of Old Dogs. She starts out with the intention of treating her niece to a day out for her fifth birthday, but fate intervenes.
Excerpt from New Tricks copyright 2010 by Debi Matlack. Posted for critique and sharing purposes only; does not constitute publication.
____________
“What movie are we going to see for your birthday?”
Kelly bounced in excitement in the back seat. “Can we see the one about the horses?”
“We can see any one you want.” Valerie was glad of a rare day off from the clinic and spending time with her niece. The whole day was theirs to do as they pleased. The only drawback was the forty minute drive to Gainesville. Lakeford had a movie theatre and restaurants, but the former didn’t open until the evening and the latter was almost exclusively fast-food joints. “And maybe after we can go to the vet school and visit Miss Karen and see real horses.”
“Hooray!” Karen’s departure had increased Valerie’s workload but had presented a new opportunity to feed Kelly’s increasing horse obsession. Valerie glanced into the rear-view mirror to see the little girl’s big grin.
The highway speed slowed to go through a small town, picking up to a normal rate again on the other side.
“What kind of horses do you want to see?”
“Clydesdales!” Valerie chuckled at Kelly’s answer. A trip to Busch Gardens had sealed the child’s fascination with the heavy horses. Certain beer commercials were now viewed in reverent silence in the Mueller household.
“Where do they come from?”
“Scotland!”
“Who else is from Scotland?”
“Granny Una!”
“And where is Scot—“
The words were lost as a massive impact rammed the driver’s side. The air was driven from Valerie’s lungs and coherent thought was lost in a maelstrom of screaming tires and shattering glass. The shuddering motion came to a halt. Valerie was vaguely aware of shouting voices and the stench of abraded rubber and coolant steaming from the hot engine.
Fumbling for the seatbelt, she turned in her seat to look into the backseat, terrified of of what she might see.
Kelly stared at her, huge blue eyes blinking in fear, a bruise rising on her temple and tears spilling over. Thank God for Nessa’s insisting Kelly ride in the back right of the car.
“You okay munchkin?”
“Yes ma’am.” While trembling, the little girl’s voice was clear. Valerie turned her attention back to the seatbelt release, still not able to make it function so she could get out.
“Are you guys okay? I’m so sorry—“
The voice came from the driver’s window. The glass was gone, scattered in tiny glinting cubes all over the interior. Valerie twisted to look, her body protesting the sudden movement. A man stood there, distress evident on his face. Nearby was a pickup truck with a crumpled bumper and two boys standing beside it, one cradling his arm. Sirens were sounding in the distance. Valerie saw and heard all this with the slow-motion clarity that comes with crisis.
“Miss?” A note of panic was in the man’s voice and she hurried to reassure him.
“I’m okay, we both are.” Valerie still fumbled with the seatbelt, until she felt small hands reach out and work the catch.
"I'm so sorry. My boys were arguing and I looked away for just a second. I never saw the stop sign."
"It's okay." She found her bag on the floorboards of the passenger side and crawled out the window, the doors being jammed. The man hurried over.
"Maybe you should wait until the ambulance gets here."
"I'm okay." She sounded like a parrot, repeating herself over and over again. She reached out to help Kelly down. Her heart hammered in her chest and she felt somewhat remote, as if viewing the scene from a short distance.
The damage was more apparent from the outside. The driver’s side of the Vega was crushed. Valerie had been spared by mere inches; the rear door and back quarter panel had taken the brunt of the impact. “Wow.”
A fire truck and sheriff’s deputy arrived, more wailing in the distance announcing the imminent appearance of more official types.
“Aunt Valerie, you’re bleeding.”
“Huh?” She reached up and touched her left temple. Her hand came away smeared with blood and her face stung. The man saw this and blanched.
“Oh my God, you’re hurt.”
The deputy approached, then quickened his stride toward her. “Ma’am, an ambulance will be here any minute.”
“I’m fine, it’s just a scratch.” But as he reached her side, the surge of adrenaline subsided and her knees wobbled. He caught her elbow.
“Here, let’s get you sitting down.”
“I’m okay.”
“Yes ma’am.” But he didn’t let go until she was sitting in the passenger side of his cruiser, Kelly sitting in the protective circle of her arms.
A shadow loomed over her and she looked up. A tall, red-haired EMT stood there, bag in his gloved hands.
“How are you, young lady?” He knelt before them, looking at Kelly.
“I’m all right.”
“Does anything hurt, your head, your belly?”
“My head a little where it hit the window.”
“Are you dizzy or anything?”
“No sir.”
After a brief assessment, he seemed to be satisfied with Kelly’s condition and moved on to Valerie. Something about him seemed familiar to Valerie. His name tag confirmed her suspicions.
“Pete Mills?”
His surprised expression became a small smile. “Well, I guess I don’t have to ask you what day of the week it is or your name if you know mine. You doing okay, Val?”
“I’ve had better days, for sure. Vic said you were still racing around after accidents.”
Pete checked her over. “Deputy Cade said you almost fainted.”
Valerie snorted. “Deputy Cade exaggerates. I stumbled.”
“Because…?”
“Because I’d just been t-boned by a Dodge Ram and had a giant adrenaline dump?”
Pete chuckled. “Fair enough.” He nodded to the ambulance. “Need a ride to the hospital?”
Valerie shook her head. “I don’t need it.”
“But I can drop you off and Vic can give you a ride.”
Now she understood. “Okay.”
Valerie walked into the emergency department through the ambulance entrance. The EMTs brought in the younger of the two boys at the accident scene. His arm was broken, but he’d almost forgotten about it by the time they got to the hospital, he was so excited to ride in the ambulance with the sirens running. Kelly had been impressed with the ride and with Pete as well; she’d peppered him with questions all the way there.
Vic was sitting at the desk, writing on something. He looked up before she reached him, dismay the dominant expression on his face as he scrambled to his feet.
“Valerie—What the hell?”
“Relax Vic, we’re both fine.”
Kelly darted to Vic and he swept her up. “Uncle Vic! A big truck hit us and there was broken glass and the sheriff came and an ambulance and your friend Pete was there and he told me all about the ambulance and the boy broke his arm and we rode here with the sirens on and—“
“Take a breath,” Valerie told her. Kelly fell quiet with a self-conscious smile. Valerie sighed. “Sorry about your birthday, munchkin.”
“That’s okay, Aunt Valerie. We rode in the ambulance!”
Vic gave Valerie a sharp glance. “Val, sit down.”
“Vic, I’m fine.” But her ears buzzed and she felt hot, then cold. The chair by the desk seemed a million miles away. She felt an arm around her waist and Vic’s voice calling someone. The backs of her knees struck something and she was sitting, just like that. Why she was looking at her shoes was beyond her understanding. When she tried to lift her head a firm pressure on her neck kept her in place. Taking a deep breath, she reached up and found the hand on her neck and tried to push it away. “Let me up.”
“Just relax Val.” Vic’s voice was tight and his fingers were tense. Fumbling at his hand again, she found his thumb and twisted. The pressure let up at once.
“Ouch!”
Lifting her head from between her knees, she fixed him with a withering gaze. "I said let me up. I can’t very well say it if I have actually fainted, can I?”
Her brother frowned at her, rubbing at his hand. A nurse knelt beside Valerie, biting her lips and trying not to chuckle.
“You sure you’re okay now?”
Valerie took a deep breath and nodded. The nurse peered at her intently for a moment, then got back to her feet. “I’ll get you something to clean that scratch with.” She held her hand out to Kelly. “You want to help me get some stuff?”
Kelly glanced at Valerie and Vic. Valerie nodded and Kelly took the nurse’s hand.
“We rode here in the ambulance. There were sirens and Aunt Valerie’s car got all messed up and—“
Valerie smiled at her niece’s monologue, then hazarded a glance back at Vic. “Sorry.”
He squatted in front of her. “Just stay here. I’ve got a guy to discharge and then I want to have a better look at you.”
“I said I’m fine. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
Her brother’s gaze was pleading. “Just sit here, okay? I’ll be right back.”
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [>
Dang, woman! >>> -- Page, 21:09:29 05/06/10 Thu
I've read lots of descriptions of car wrecks, but this was by far the most vivid. And you did it all in three sentences! Man, you're good.
As always, your voice comes through loud and clear. And I loved the line about beer commercials being viewed in reverent silence! LOL!
Beautiful, beautiful job!
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [> [>
Awww....thanks! -- debikm, 22:05:18 05/06/10 Thu
>I've read lots of descriptions of car wrecks, but this
>was by far the most vivid. And you did it all in
>three sentences! Man, you're good.
And I was worried it wasn't enough...
>
>As always, your voice comes through loud and clear.
>And I loved the line about beer commercials
>being viewed in reverent silence! LOL!
And sometimes they still are. ;-) When Bud Light commercials started using the Clydies running loose, I would watch in fascination. Still do. I LOVE Clydies..*sigh*
>
>Beautiful, beautiful job!
Thank you! Making myself write paid off at last.
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [>
Nothing like shattering glass to make you sit up! -- Fi, 09:03:46 05/07/10 Fri
Really nice. Kid is cute without being saccharine, car crash is excellently portrayed. Below are suggested edits; as usual, you can take or leave them, it's a great piece as is.
>“What movie are we going to see for your birthday?”
>
>Kelly bounced in excitement in the back seat. “Can we
>see the one about the horses?”
Such a typical kid on a trip to the movies!
> Lakeford had a movie theatre and
>restaurants, but the former didn’t open until the
>evening and the latter was almost exclusively
>fast-food joints.
"The former" and "the latter" seemed a bit formal compared with the tone in the rest of the piece. Maybe: Lakeford's movie theatre didn't open until the evening and its restaurants were almost exclusively fast-food joints.
>“Clydesdales!” Valerie chuckled at Kelly’s answer. A
>trip to Busch Gardens had sealed the child’s
>fascination with the heavy horses. Certain beer
>commercials were now viewed in reverent silence in the
>Mueller household.
:D
>
>“And where is Scot—“
>
>The words were lost as a massive impact rammed the
>driver’s side. The air was driven from Valerie’s lungs
>and coherent thought was lost in a maelstrom of
>screaming tires and shattering glass. The shuddering
>motion came to a halt. Valerie was vaguely aware of
>shouting voices and the stench of abraded rubber and
>coolant steaming from the hot engine.
The others have said it but... wow! That was visceral!
>Thank God for Nessa’s insisting Kelly ride in the back
>right of the car.
I had to read this sentence twice. Maybe "Thank God that Nessa insisted Kelly ride in the back of the car". Also, I think it would be better to foreshadow this beforehand: show Kelly pleading to sit up front and Nessa (her mother?) insisting on safety first (good for her!)
>Valerie turned her attention back to the
>seatbelt release, still not able to make it function
>so she could get out.
Snappier version (keeping with overall tone): "Valerie turned to the seatbelt release, still unable to make it open."
> The glass was
>gone, scattered in tiny glinting cubes all over the
>interior.
Good stuff :D
>Sirens were sounding in the
>distance.
"Sirens sounded in the distance." Simple past tense is more immediate.
>Valerie saw and heard all this with the
>slow-motion clarity that comes with crisis.
Nicely observed.
>"I'm okay." She sounded like a parrot, repeating
>herself over and over again.
"She sounded like a parrot." The "repeating herself" part is implied.
>But he didn’t let go until she was
>sitting in the passenger side of his cruiser, Kelly
>sitting in the protective circle of her arms.
"But he didn’t let go until she was
sitting in the passenger side of his cruiser, Kelly in the protective circle of her arms." (Removed repeated word, "sitting".)
>“Because I’d just been t-boned by a Dodge Ram and had
>a giant adrenaline dump?”
I wondered for a second if she would really use the word "adrenaline" in casual conversation, but then I remembered she worked in a clinic and she's seeing it through medical eyes. So this is a nice touch.
>Kelly
>had been impressed with the ride and with Pete as
>well; she’d peppered him with questions all the way
>there.
Would be nice to "show" rather than "tell" here. How about a sample question-and-answer with Kelly and Pete?
>Kelly darted to Vic and he swept her up. “Uncle Vic! A
>big truck hit us and there was broken glass and the
>sheriff came and an ambulance and your friend Pete was
>there and he told me all about the ambulance and the
>boy broke his arm and we rode here with the sirens on
>and—“
I love Kelly :D
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [> [>
Thank you Fi! -- debikm, 10:02:25 05/07/10 Fri
Excellent suggestions all. I'll be going back and tweaking in just a bit.
>I love Kelly :D
So do I! I know she's only five, but I'm trying to make her a good, well-behaved child, yet still a child. I've known kids like this before, they're rare, but they exist.
I appreciate you kind words and your reminders to show, not tell. I forget that a lot in an effort to get the story out. Thanks!
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [>
Those darn fates! >>> -- Esther, 09:47:25 05/15/10 Sat
They sure know how to make up a story though. A nice twist that I didn't expect, that's for sure. And excellent depiction of both the accident itself and the emotions after the effect. Loved the way you described how remote she felt, and how she seemed to be seeing things from a distance. That put me right there. Awesome.
Hugs
Esther
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
[> [> [>
Thank you Esther! -- Debi, 18:28:42 05/15/10 Sat
>They sure know how to make up a story though. A nice
>twist that I didn't expect, that's for sure. And
>excellent depiction of both the accident itself and
>the emotions after the effect. Loved the way you
>described how remote she felt, and how she seemed to
>be seeing things from a distance. That put me right
>there. Awesome.
>
>Hugs
>
>Esther
I'm glad you were right in the action. I've been involved in a minor accident or two, and seen some big ones happen in front of me. There's always that sense of slow-motion, of seeing things from a slight distance, which I understand is the adrenaline working and speeing your reaction time, to fight or flight. Even when I was only a witness, I got the big adrenaline squeeze, with heart pounding and shaking hands. not fun, but it does help later on when trying to describe it.
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]
