I have a few suggestions for tightening the prose, but other than that, a lovely excerpt that made me smile more than once.
>Valerie was more than ready to go home by the time Vic
>and one of his colleagues declared her officially none
>the worse for wear.
I'd switch this around and snip a bit:
"When Vic and his colleague officially declared her none the worse for wear, Valerie was more than ready to go home."
>Though she’d never admit it to
>him, even on pain of death, she felt pretty crappy at
>this point.
I'd leave out "even on pain of death".
>Instead of crying, though,
I'd leave out "though".
>Alan came out of the house to stand on the porch.
>Kelly spotted him and hurried over.
"Alan came out to the porch and Kelly hurried to him."
>“Bison, or Cape buffalo?”
:D That's just like something my husband would say (we're Discovery Channel addicts).
>Now, on top of everything else, her chest hurt, from
>continuing to suppress the meltdown that had been
>threatening her all day.
"Her chest hurt from suppressing the meltdown that had been
threatening all day."
You really know how to use dialogue to build characters. More Valerie & family, please!
Excellent ideas for tightening the prose(ac;-) I'll work those in as I tweak.
>
>>“Bison, or Cape buffalo?”
>:D That's just like something my husband would say
>(we're Discovery Channel addicts).
Us too!
>
>
>You really know how to use dialogue to build
>characters. More Valerie & family, please!
Thank you!!! I'm so glad you think I do iot well. I sometimes wonder...
More coming! I have rewrites on Old Dogs so I may start posting what I add and change here for my check-in/crit/look at me! posts on Saturdays.
>
>Fi
