Re: Down in the Bayou>>>> -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 10:40:16 02/11/10 Thu
Author:

susiej
Subject: Re: Down in the Bayou>>>>
In reply to: LRLassie 's message, "Re: Down in the Bayou>>>>" on 02:20:51 02/10/10 Wed

Whew, creepy. And gruesome. I felt really sorry for Allie.

I loved the characterization at the beginning- the bitter, germ freak. I didn't much like her but you managead to make me feel for her- so good work.

I think I would've liked to see a bit more of her and John's attraction/ compatability played out.

Now I hate to sound like an English teacher, but you had some grammar issues. It didn't make the sentences unclear but I did notice them.

Example: The magazine was sending a car and had taken care of her airline tickets, she fed her boss some bull shit line about Jennifer Aniston....

A period is needed after tickets. I also think you'd need to say, "She'd fed" since one assumes she's already told her boss the story in order to have the tickets and car waiting.

That brings up one last point. There are many places where contractions would move the sentence along faster. There are also several unnecessay "that"s. Some of the big paragraphs began to feel wordy. Tighten the writing to keep up the tension and allow room for some of that romance to bud.

And did you mean for John's letter to sound so formal because it did?

All in all though, cool story and great characters.

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Replies:

[> [> [> Re: Thanks for the feedback -- LRLassie, 12:22:07 02/11/10 Thu

>Whew, creepy. And gruesome. I felt really sorry for
>Allie.
>
>I loved the characterization at the beginning- the
>bitter, germ freak. I didn't much like her but you
>managead to make me feel for her- so good work.

Good, that was the idea.
>
>I think I would've liked to see a bit more of her and
>John's attraction/ compatability played out.

I didn't want to focus too much on a romance, tried to place subtle hints, John teasing her with water jug and being very patient with her and her phobia. Marcia getting butterflies etc. Probably should have left it out since I really wasn't in to it but you know how the characters are, we have to follow their lead. LOL
>
>Now I hate to sound like an English teacher, but you
>had some grammar issues. It didn't make the sentences
>unclear but I did notice them.
>
>Example: The magazine was sending a car and had taken
>care of her airline tickets, she fed her boss some
>bull shit line about Jennifer Aniston....
>
>A period is needed after tickets. I also think you'd
>need to say, "She'd fed" since one assumes she's
>already told her boss the story in order to have the
>tickets and car waiting.

I must admit I didn't go back and edit the story and I am notorious for grammatical errors!!! LOL As I read your example I too noticed the need for a had. Thanks.
>
>That brings up one last point. There are many places
>where contractions would move the sentence along
>faster. There are also several unnecessay "that"s.
>Some of the big paragraphs began to feel wordy.
>Tighten the writing to keep up the tension and allow
>room for some of that romance to bud.
>
Noted. I tried to rush through the writing process was anxious to post homework.

>And did you mean for John's letter to sound so formal
>because it did?

Yes, the idea was that they hadn't seen each other since they had worked on the story.
>
>All in all though, cool story and great characters.

Thanks... hate coming up with endings, I always want to rush an ending. I appreciate all your feedback. I was expecting the grammatical stuff. So good to be back on the board!!!

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[> [> [> [> I think susiej hit the high points -- Debi, 13:05:50 02/11/10 Thu

I liked the legend that you wove in the story. Sounds just like something that would be spawned from a Louisiana swamp! The characterizations are good, great idea making Marcia such a germaphobe and having to chase a story in the swamp. I have to admit, I was half-hoping for her to get pulled into the swampwater and forced to face her phobia as directly as possible! ;-) But I'm just mean ike that...

Yes there were a lot of grammatical errors and I personally would like more dialogue, but you made some very solid, believable characters. And made me start to like Marcia by the end. That's hard to do, make an unlikeable character someone to root for, especially in short a piece. Great work!

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