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Date Posted: 10:16:42 03/23/10 Tue
Author: Alex
Subject: Re: Public spectacles >>>>>
In reply to: Page 's message, "Public spectacles >>>>>" on 22:49:16 03/22/10 Mon

>I don't know how much action there is with this
>dialogue, but it takes place in public. Do I get
>half-credit? *G*
>
>This scene is set at Pat O'Brien's, a French Quarter
>bar. For those of you who aren't familiar with it,
>the patio area has a fountain that's set on fire every
>evening. Quite a sight to see. The bar's signature
>drink is The Hurricane, a fruity concoction that's
>mostly all rum. Following The Hurricane in popularity
>is The Skylab. It's the prettiest shade of blue when
>it comes to the table, but it's the strongest drink
>they have. One is enough to put most people under the
>table.
>
>Oh, and the character of Mike? Yeah. Ever heard the
>saying, "Don't make me mad or I'll write you into my
>next book and kill you off?" Mike's not his real
>name, but he made me mad. *G*
>~~~~~~~~~
>
>Excerpt from working title Royal Orleans
>©2010 by Juli Page Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique only and does not
>constitute publication
>
>Using every bit of willpower she possessed, Sherry
>refrained from throwing her Hurricane after Mike as he
>strutted past the flaming fountain. It was too much
>to hope he’d fall in and be consumed by fiery water,
>but the thought was nice. She looked back at Geoff in
>exasperation. “Why the hell do you keep him around?”
>
>Geoff shrugged. “He’s a good photographer.”
>
>“Oh, come on, Geoff. The man can’t light a candle.”
>Sherry sipped her drink and was glad she hadn’t wasted
>it on Mike. The icy concoction quenched her anger
>somewhat, and she took a bigger gulp, hoping the four
>ounces of rum would obliterate it completely.

I'm missing the reference here. Light a candle?

>
>Geoff’s lips quirked with amusement. “Alright, then,
>he’s a decent photographer.”
>
>“Meaning he does whatever you want the way you want
>it?”
>
>“Exactly,” Geoff laughed.
>
>“Okay. Just so we have that straight.” Sherry
>plucked the orange slice out of the tall glass and
>sucked the juice from it. “Is he?”

Her question seems like a prompt for the dialog following. Just hanging out there. Maybe add more? Or a gesture to illustrate? Wiggles her brows? Flops a wrist over?

>
>“Is who what?” Geoff frowned in confusion.
>
>“Mike. Is he straight?”
>
>“I suppose. Why?”
>
>“He acts like your jealous girlfriend, that’s why.”
>
>Geoff snorted and swallowed the last of the murky blue
>liquid in his glass. “That’s his problem, not mine.”
>He waved the empty glass in the direction of a
>waitress.
>
>Sherry narrowed her eyes. “Are you having another one
>of those?”
>
>“Is there a reason I shouldn’t?”
>
>“There’s enough vodka in those things to knock an
>elephant on its ass, is all.”
>
>“Good thing I’m not an elephant.”
>
>Sherry dropped the orange slice back into the remains
>of her Hurricane and fished out the cherry. “Maybe
>not, but if you get drunk I’m outta here.” She popped
>the cherry into her mouth, holding the stem between
>her thumb and forefinger. [With a complete lack of
>calculation], she raised her eyes to Geoff’s as she
>sucked on the cherry.

I'm banging the drum today. *boom boom boom* Telling! Right here. *s* Better to have her suck on the cherry and let the look in Geoff's eye and his reaction illustrate what she's doing, and trust the reader understands she's not being calculating. ;0)

>
>He drew his breath in with a hiss, and smiled. “Well,
>we don’t want that, do we?” A fresh Skylab was placed
>before him on the table, and he lifted his gaze to the
>waitress who was looking at him with adoration.
>“Thanks, love. We’re also going to need a pot of
>black coffee. Think you could fetch that for us?”
>
>“Sure thing. Anything you want.” The waitress
>balanced her tray on one shoulder and smiled down at
>Geoff. “Anything at all.” With a bat of eyelashes
>and a toss of over-processed bleached hair, she turned
>and sashayed off, hips swinging like a screen door in
>a high wind.
>
>Geoff watched the display with evident admiration
>before turning back to Sherry. “There now. I won’t
>get sloppy drunk. All better?”
>
>Sherry shrugged. “Not completely. You also have to
>promise to lose the Neal Preston wannabe.”

??? Does Neal Preston = Mike?

>
>Geoff threw his head back and laughed, causing every
>female on the patio to sigh with delight. “You really
>don’t like Mike, do you?”
>
>“He’s a trouser stain,” Sherry replied. “If you’re
>really wanting to make things up to me, he’s gotta go.”

I second Larn. Great derogatory description.

>
>As if to contradict this assertion, Mike chose that
>moment to return, sliding into his chair with a sigh.
>“I’d forgotten what a bloody tourist attraction this
>place is. I came here last year with Steven Tyler and
>Joe Perry, and I think it’s only gotten worse.”
>
>“Clean up in aisle three,” Sherry muttered under her
>breath.
>
>Mike favored her with a patronizing stare. “And
>what’s that supposed to mean?”
>
>“You’ve been dropping so many names tonight I’m afraid
>someone’s going to trip over them and hurt themselves,
>that’s what.” As she watched Mike’s face twist into a
>scowl, she had the passing thought that his slanted
>eyebrows, sharp cheekbones and slightly manic eyes
>made him look like a demented leprechaun. She
>couldn’t resist the resultant smile. “Ooh, touched a
>nerve, did I, Mikey?”
>
>Without deigning to reply, Mike turned to Geoff.
>“Between all the fat, sweaty tourists and the bitchy
>American girl, this place has lost all interest. What
>about finding another place to drink?”
>
>“Be my guest.” Geoff shrugged. “You’re the one who
>invited yourself along. I don’t mind if you split.”
>
>“Are you having me on?” The increased volume of
>Mike’s voice caused several people on the patio to
>turn their attention to Geoff’s table.
>
>“I am not.” Geoff glared at Mike. “What’s your
>problem, mate? I’m here with the lady, not you.”
>
>The thought that Mike looked like a demented
>leprechaun had made Sherry smile, but the fact that
>Geoff looked like a tiger about to pounce made her
>shake as adrenaline rushed through her bloodstream.
>His eyes had become almost golden, and the dangerous,
>flat glare he directed at Mike looked like something
>out of an old Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
>episode.

Why the repeat of the leprechaun description? Seems unnecessary and slows down the flow. Maybe add the swift change to Geoff's gaze to the preceding para and start this one with her adrenaline rush?

>
>“Um, guys?” Hoping to diffuse the tension, she leaned
>forward and waved a hand between the two men. “We
>were getting enough attention before, but this is
>getting ridiculous, know what I mean?”
>
>Geoff glanced at her and then seemed to relax, leaning
>back in his chair. “Right.” He threw back the rest
>of his drink, and leaned his head toward Mike. “Isn’t
>it time you were leaving this tourist trap? You know
>what they say about three being a crowd.”
>
>Mike opened his mouth to reply, but obviously thought
>better of it as Geoff turned that predatory gaze his
>way again. Without a word, Mike rose from his chair
>and left, his grand, stamping exit attracting the
>attention of the rest of Pat O’Brien’s customers. The
>dust hadn’t settled when the waitress returned with
>the coffee Geoff had asked for.
>
>Sherry glared at the woman’s back as she leaned over
>the table to place the tray in front of Geoff, all but
>pressing her breasts in his face. Forgetting her new
>position as public spectacle, Sherry snapped her
>fingers in the direction of the waitress.
>
>“Hey! Bambi, or whatever your name is.” She narrowed
>her eyes as the woman turned toward her. “We ordered
>coffee, not a peep show. Get lost.”
>
>As the waitress flounced off in a huff, Sherry caught
>the interested looks being thrown their way. With a
>groan, she lowered her head. “Damn it. Don’t they
>have anything else to do besides stare at us?”
>
>“Don’t let it bother you.” Geoff grinned. “Who cares
>what they think?”
>
>“I do.” Sherry looked up at him, frowning. “I have
>to.”
>
>Geoff looked puzzled. “Why the hell does it matter?”
>
>With a sigh, Sherry picked up the coffee decanter and
>began filling two cups. “Look, it’s fine if you’re
>out making a scene every night. It just adds to your
>rock and roll mystique, right?” She kept her eyes on
>the stream of coffee filling the cups. “But people
>know who I am, too. My face is on billboards,
>plastered on the sides of busses, on placards in the
>trolley cars; all I need is for one of these people to
>tell an advertiser I was involved in an altercation in
>a French Quarter bar, and I’m in a lot of trouble.”
>
>“Didn’t stop you the other night, did it?”
>
>The amusement she heard in Geoff’s voice made her
>temper rise, but she fought it down with
>determination. “That was a private party, okay? Our
>listeners expect us to be out partying. But they
>don’t pay to listen to the radio, do they? No, our
>money comes from advertisers, and if they don’t think
>we’re professional enough to handle ourselves or
>represent their businesses on air, then they don’t buy
>from us. And if they don’t buy from us, we don’t make
>money. And if a deejay causes a station to lose ad
>revenue, then he or she is out the door.”
>
>Geoff’s silence made her glance up to find him
>regarding his cup of coffee with a thoughtful frown.
>After a moment, he sighed. “I never thought of it
>that way.”
>
>“Why should you?” Sherry took a sip of coffee.
>“After all, it’s not your job on the line.”
>
>He looked up and smiled. “And neither is yours.
>We’ll just sit here being circumspect and drinking
>coffee, and talk about things like heavy literature.”
>
>Sherry laughed, [relieved he seemed to understand]. “I
>didn’t say we had to be boring. But no scenes in the
>French Quarter, okay? I need my job.”

Brackets are unnecessary telling. His dialog and change in demeanor is beautifully done, illustrating how much he does care and understands.

>
>“Done.” Geoff clinked his cup against hers.

Too short! Too short! I'd love to read the scene before this, getting a good dose of how annoying Mike is. *s* Always a pleasure to visit with your characters and I hope the suggestions are helpful.

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Replies:

[> [> [> Totally helpful, Alex! >>> -- Page, 21:52:33 03/23/10 Tue

>>
>>“Oh, come on, Geoff. The man can’t light a candle.”
>>Sherry sipped her drink and was glad she hadn’t wasted
>>it on Mike. The icy concoction quenched her anger
>>somewhat, and she took a bigger gulp, hoping the four
>>ounces of rum would obliterate it completely.
>
>I'm missing the reference here. Light a candle?

The Mike character is a rock photographer. He takes live pictures of concerts, but also does a lot of portraits and shots for magazine covers where he does his own lighting. Sherry isn't impressed with the way he lights his subjects. I've not written a lot of what proceeds this bit, just a rough draft, but I'll explain that bit when Sherry first meets Mike. Thanks for pointing it out!
>
>>
>>“Okay. Just so we have that straight.” Sherry
>>plucked the orange slice out of the tall glass and
>>sucked the juice from it. “Is he?”
>
>Her question seems like a prompt for the dialog
>following. Just hanging out there. Maybe add more? Or
>a gesture to illustrate? Wiggles her brows? Flops a
>wrist over?

I agree, her question is a little abrupt. I'll work on this.
>
>>
>>Sherry dropped the orange slice back into the remains
>>of her Hurricane and fished out the cherry. “Maybe
>>not, but if you get drunk I’m outta here.” She popped
>>the cherry into her mouth, holding the stem between
>>her thumb and forefinger. [With a complete lack of
>>calculation], she raised her eyes to Geoff’s as she
>>sucked on the cherry.
>
>I'm banging the drum today. *boom boom boom*
>Telling! Right here. *s* Better to have her suck on
>the cherry and let the look in Geoff's eye and his
>reaction illustrate what she's doing, and trust
>the reader understands she's not being calculating.
>;0)

Yeah, I'm going to have to change this around. When I wrote it I could see her fishing the cherry out of her glass like she did the orange slice. I didn't get any sense from her that she was doing it to, er, entice Geoff. So I added the "without calculation" bit. Gonna work on that now.
>
>>
>>Sherry shrugged. “Not completely. You also have to
>>promise to lose the Neal Preston wannabe.”
>
>??? Does Neal Preston = Mike?

Another part I'm going to have to change. Neal Preston was the major rock photographer of the 1970s, along with a man called Robert Knight. This books is set in the early 1980s, but anyone like Mike who makes a living in rock photography would want to attain the success Neal Preston had. Unfortunately, Neal isn't a household name. I thought of using someone like Ansel Adams, but his pictures couldn't be more different from the ones Mike takes.

>>“He’s a trouser stain,” Sherry replied. “If you’re
>>really wanting to make things up to me, he’s gotta
>go.”
>
>I second Larn. Great derogatory
>description.

Thank you!
>

>>The thought that Mike looked like a demented
>>leprechaun had made Sherry smile, but the fact that
>>Geoff looked like a tiger about to pounce made her
>>shake as adrenaline rushed through her bloodstream.
>>His eyes had become almost golden, and the dangerous,
>>flat glare he directed at Mike looked like something
>>out of an old Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
>>episode.
>
>Why the repeat of the leprechaun description? Seems
>unnecessary and slows down the flow. Maybe add the
>swift change to Geoff's gaze to the preceding para and
>start this one with her adrenaline rush?

You're right, it does slow it down. I need to work on this.

>>Sherry laughed, [relieved he seemed to understand].
>“I
>>didn’t say we had to be boring. But no scenes in the
>>French Quarter, okay? I need my job.”
>
>Brackets are unnecessary telling. His dialog and
>change in demeanor is beautifully done, illustrating
>how much he does care and understands.

Thank you! The part in brackets is outta here.
>
>>
>>“Done.” Geoff clinked his cup against hers.
>
>Too short! Too short! I'd love to read the scene
>before this, getting a good dose of how annoying Mike
>is. *s* Always a pleasure to visit with your
>characters and I hope the suggestions are helpful.

The suggestions are very helpful! I've only got a rough draft of the scene before, where Sherry meets Mike for the first time, but I can assure you they do not get on. *G* Thanks again! I truly appreciate the help!

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[> [> [> [> Re: Totally helpful, Alex! >>> -- Alex, 09:42:54 03/24/10 Wed

>Another part I'm going to have to change. Neal
>Preston was the major rock photographer of the
>1970s, along with a man called Robert Knight. This
>books is set in the early 1980s, but anyone like Mike
>who makes a living in rock photography would want to
>attain the success Neal Preston had. Unfortunately,
>Neal isn't a household name. I thought of using
>someone like Ansel Adams, but his pictures couldn't be
>more different from the ones Mike takes.

Annie Leibovitz?

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