Date Posted:21:52:33 03/23/10 Tue Author:Page Subject: Totally helpful, Alex! >>> In reply to:
Alex
's message, "Re: Public spectacles >>>>>" on 10:16:42 03/23/10 Tue
>>
>>“Oh, come on, Geoff. The man can’t light a candle.”
>>Sherry sipped her drink and was glad she hadn’t wasted
>>it on Mike. The icy concoction quenched her anger
>>somewhat, and she took a bigger gulp, hoping the four
>>ounces of rum would obliterate it completely.
>
>I'm missing the reference here. Light a candle?
The Mike character is a rock photographer. He takes live pictures of concerts, but also does a lot of portraits and shots for magazine covers where he does his own lighting. Sherry isn't impressed with the way he lights his subjects. I've not written a lot of what proceeds this bit, just a rough draft, but I'll explain that bit when Sherry first meets Mike. Thanks for pointing it out!
>
>>
>>“Okay. Just so we have that straight.” Sherry
>>plucked the orange slice out of the tall glass and
>>sucked the juice from it. “Is he?”
>
>Her question seems like a prompt for the dialog
>following. Just hanging out there. Maybe add more? Or
>a gesture to illustrate? Wiggles her brows? Flops a
>wrist over?
I agree, her question is a little abrupt. I'll work on this.
>
>>
>>Sherry dropped the orange slice back into the remains
>>of her Hurricane and fished out the cherry. “Maybe
>>not, but if you get drunk I’m outta here.” She popped
>>the cherry into her mouth, holding the stem between
>>her thumb and forefinger. [With a complete lack of
>>calculation], she raised her eyes to Geoff’s as she
>>sucked on the cherry.
>
>I'm banging the drum today. *boom boom boom*
>Telling! Right here. *s* Better to have her suck on
>the cherry and let the look in Geoff's eye and his
>reaction illustrate what she's doing, and trust
>the reader understands she's not being calculating.
>;0)
Yeah, I'm going to have to change this around. When I wrote it I could see her fishing the cherry out of her glass like she did the orange slice. I didn't get any sense from her that she was doing it to, er, entice Geoff. So I added the "without calculation" bit. Gonna work on that now.
>
>>
>>Sherry shrugged. “Not completely. You also have to
>>promise to lose the Neal Preston wannabe.”
>
>??? Does Neal Preston = Mike?
Another part I'm going to have to change. Neal Preston was the major rock photographer of the 1970s, along with a man called Robert Knight. This books is set in the early 1980s, but anyone like Mike who makes a living in rock photography would want to attain the success Neal Preston had. Unfortunately, Neal isn't a household name. I thought of using someone like Ansel Adams, but his pictures couldn't be more different from the ones Mike takes.
>>“He’s a trouser stain,” Sherry replied. “If you’re
>>really wanting to make things up to me, he’s gotta
>go.”
>
>I second Larn. Great derogatory
>description.
Thank you!
>
>>The thought that Mike looked like a demented
>>leprechaun had made Sherry smile, but the fact that
>>Geoff looked like a tiger about to pounce made her
>>shake as adrenaline rushed through her bloodstream.
>>His eyes had become almost golden, and the dangerous,
>>flat glare he directed at Mike looked like something
>>out of an old Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
>>episode.
>
>Why the repeat of the leprechaun description? Seems
>unnecessary and slows down the flow. Maybe add the
>swift change to Geoff's gaze to the preceding para and
>start this one with her adrenaline rush?
You're right, it does slow it down. I need to work on this.
>>Sherry laughed, [relieved he seemed to understand].
>“I
>>didn’t say we had to be boring. But no scenes in the
>>French Quarter, okay? I need my job.”
>
>Brackets are unnecessary telling. His dialog and
>change in demeanor is beautifully done, illustrating
>how much he does care and understands.
Thank you! The part in brackets is outta here.
>
>>
>>“Done.” Geoff clinked his cup against hers.
>
>Too short! Too short! I'd love to read the scene
>before this, getting a good dose of how annoying Mike
>is. *s* Always a pleasure to visit with your
>characters and I hope the suggestions are helpful.
The suggestions are very helpful! I've only got a rough draft of the scene before, where Sherry meets Mike for the first time, but I can assure you they do not get on. *G* Thanks again! I truly appreciate the help!
>Another part I'm going to have to change. Neal
>Preston was the major rock photographer of the
>1970s, along with a man called Robert Knight. This
>books is set in the early 1980s, but anyone like Mike
>who makes a living in rock photography would want to
>attain the success Neal Preston had. Unfortunately,
>Neal isn't a household name. I thought of using
>someone like Ansel Adams, but his pictures couldn't be
>more different from the ones Mike takes.
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