Date Posted:06:55:54 03/30/10 Tue Author: Lady Morilka Subject: Ok, here is a german point of view on you writing. If anything is unclear just let me know.>>> In reply to:
Fel
's message, "I'm an idiot. I forgot to put spaces between the paragraphs!!!!!" on 17:00:32 03/15/10 Mon
>>Excerpt from Look Upon The Ash.
>>By Shauna Tevels
>>Copyright 2010. Posted for critiquing purposes only
>>and does not constitute publication.
>>
>>
>>
>>Summer, 1932
>>
>>
>>
>> Heinrich stood awkwardly with his new Mauser shotgun.
>> He had just seen his father, with his arms around
>>another woman, go into the barn. Before the barn
>>doors closed, his father looked him right in the eye,
>>and grinned. Heinrich’s father had been going to show
>>Heinrich how to shoot. It did not look like that was
>>actually going to happen.
>
>> He saw his older brother, Wilhelm, standing on the
>>porch lighting up a cigarette. Their mother did not
>>allow Wilhelm to smoke in the house whenever he came
>>home. Wilhelm was in his plain working clothes today,
>>not like yesterday when he arrived at their
>>grandparent’s farm. He arrived in the all black
>>uniform of a Gestapo police officer. Their mother
>>almost had a heart attack seeing him dressed like
>>that. Wilhelm said it was only temporary, and that he
>>hoped to be transferred to a different unit soon.
>
>> Heinrich was glad that his older brother was home for
>>a little while. Now, he had someone to talk to who
>>understood him. He gripped the shotgun tighter in his
>>hands and strode over to the porch. Heinrich watched
>>as Wilhelm took a long pull on his cigarette and stood
>>up to stretch, lifting his long arms above his head
>>and standing on his toes. Wilhelm finished his
>>stretch and looked down at Heinrich standing a few
>>paces away from him.
>
>> “Will? Can you show me how to shoot?” Heinrich The german way of shortening Wilhelm would be Willi. Will could too easiely be confuesed with "(ich) will" = "(I) want"
>>turned pleading eyes up to his brother’s face.
>
>> Wilhelm took another pull of his cigarette and
>>considered his brother. Heinrich’s blue-gray eyes
>>were softly pleading, much like their mother’s eyes.
>>Wilhelm stared down at the ground, making Heinrich
>>wait for a response. “Sure, little brother. Do you
>>have shells with you?”
>
>> Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm
>>the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun.
>>Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed
>>Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles
>>on a low tree stump far from the house and barns.
>
>> “Well done, Heinrich. Let’s get started.”
>
>> Heinrich blushed and followed Wilhelm to a spot fifty
>>yards away from the tree stump. Wilhelm grabbed an
>>old bushel basket and turned it upside down in front
>>of Heinrich. Wilhelm knelt next to Heinrich, emptying
>>the pouch of shells on the bucket in front of them. wans't Heinrich carrying the pouch? so who is emptying it here? it's a bit confusing here.
>>Wilhelm took the gun from Heinrich and opened the twin
>>barrels for loading.
>
>> “Now, watch this Heinrich. Do you see how I am
>>loading the shells in the barrels here? Yes? Good.
>>Okay, next we bring the barrels back up, and make sure
>>you hear the click as they reconnect to the stock.
>>Then we bring the hammer back, like this. Watch how I
>>am holding on to this. I have it tight against my
>>shoulder, my elbow up, and my cheek is right against
>>the stock here. Now, cover your ears, this is going
>>to be a bit loud.” Wilhelm fired a shot at the tree
>>stump and knocked one of the cans off. The switching from loading the gun to showing how to shot is not clear here.
>
>> “Wow, Will! Can I try it now?”
>
>> “Sure. Try to hold the gun like I just showed you.
>>Yes, that’s right. Your elbow is a bit too high
>>there. No, no now it’s too low. Yes, just like that.
>>Now, visualize your target on the stump. The sights
>>on the gun will help guide you. Place the sights
>>right on where you would like to hit. Okay, are you
>>ready? The gun kicks back some, so be careful. Now,
>>just cock it back. Good. Put your finger on the
>>trigger and just pull it back.” I would put a bit of space here to make it clear it is from the explanation to the actual shooting now. Heinrich was not
>>prepared for the jolt as the gun went off in his
>>hands. He jerked it wildly as the force of the shell
>>leaving the barrel drove the stock out from the grip
>>in his shoulder to swing up and hit him in the nose
>>with a resounding crunch.
>
>> Wilhelm heard the crunch as the stock met Heinrich’s
>>nose. here you have a change in the POV how do we know otherwise that he heared it? since you have the sount in the sentence before, you could just go like "Wilhelm must have heared the runch too and ..."
Blood gushed out in a flood. Wilhelm quickly
>>took off his shirt, wadded it up and pressed the cloth
>>under Heinrich’s nose, while tipping his head back.
>>“Well, little brother, I think we need to work on your
>>control of that gun, hmm? Come on, up you come. Let’s
>>get you cleaned up some before Mama sees you.”
>
>> Wilhelm led Heinrich back up to the house, keeping
>>his hand on Heinrich’s over his nose. Their mother
>>was not to be seen in the kitchen. Wilhelm sat
>>Heinrich up on the wooden table in the center of the
>>kitchen and took the blood soaked shirt away from
>>Heinrich’s nose. A small stream of blood still
>>trickled down. His nostrils, lip and cheeks were all
>>covered in crusting dark red blood. His nose was bent
>>at a slight angle. “I think you broke your nose
>>Heinrich. I’m going to set it back into place,
>>alright? This is going to hurt.”
>
>> Heinrich let out a cry as Wilhelm put both hands on
>>his face and put his nose back. They both heard the
>>sickening crunch as the bones broke again.
>
>> Their mother came bursting into the kitchen then at Ok, do I get the setting right that they are on the farm of there grandparents? cos german farmhouses in that time usually didn't have separed kitchens, those where in the big living area and just the bedrooms and maybe some workroomes were separated. If you have a lot of szenes indoors, it might be a good idea to look into german architecture at that time, because the farms where quite different than in the US.
>>Heinrich’s pained cry. “What in God’s name is going
>>on here?” She took in the sight of the two boys, one
>>with blood all over his hands and the other with blood
>>smeared all over his face. “Heinrich! What happened
>>to you?”
>
>> Mother rushed over to the sink to get a damp rag to
>>wipe Heinrich’s face. As she was smoothing his blond
>>hair across his forehead she looked over at Wilhelm,
>>who here I thought the "who" refered to Willi. was wiping his own hands on another cloth, and
>>asked softly, “What happened Wilhelm?”
>
>> “I was showing Heinrich how to shoot, Mama. The
>>recoil shocked him, I think, and he got his nose with
>>the butt of the gun,” Wilhelm said simply.
>
>> “It’s true, Mama. Will showed me how once, and then
>>I tried.”
>
>> “Be more careful next time Heinrich. Be grateful
>>that it isn’t your father trying to show you how. He
>>showed Will how, and almost got him killed,” Mama
>>scolded as she put the rags in the fire box of the
>>stove. Shaking her head fondly at her two sons she
>>went back out.
>
>> “How did Papa almost get you killed?” Heinrich asked.
>
>> “Well, my shot ricocheted off a glass bottle I was
>>shooting at and it hit me on the chest here.” Wilhelm
>>showed Heinrich the scar on the right side of his
>>chest, right below his collar bone. “We were standing
>>way too close to the target. The hole was clean, the
>>doctor said, when he took the bullet out of me. I
>>still have it. This is all I have. From him,
>>anyways.” Wilhelm smiled at Heinrich, a wry twist to
>>his lips.
>
>> “Want to practice some more? Or have you had enough
>>excitement for one day?”
>
>> “I think I’ll stop for today, Will. I don’t know if
>>I like shooting at all.”
>
>> Wilhelm laughed and said, “It’s a necessary thing to
>>know, Heinrich. We’ll practice some more tomorrow.”
>>
>>
>> January, 1942
>>
>>
>> Heinrich stepped off the train, hit immediately with
>>a blast of cold air. He looked around trying to find
>>anything that looked vaguely familiar to him. It had
>>been three years since he had last stood on this
>>platform. Back then he was courageously looking
>>forward to heading off to a glorious war. To
>>distinguish himself valiantly on the front lines and
>>make his brother proud of him. It was to Wilhelm that
>>he was heading now. But Wilhelm himself was no where
>>to be seen. Being a Kommandant of a camp probably
>>meant that Wilhelm had sent somebody to pick him up.
> A young man suddenly appeared at Heinrich’s elbow.
>
>> “Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer Heinrich von Keiter?” At
>>Heinrich’s nod, the young man continued. “Herr
>>Kommandant sent me to bring you to the camp, sir.”
>
>> “Lead the way, then.” Heinrich said, gripping his bag
>>more firmly and following the young man to a waiting
>>car.
>
>> The young man opened Heinrich’s door for him and then I would just write "..opended the door for Heinrich..." since it is the door of the car and doesn't belong to Heinrich.
>>hurried to get into the driver’s seat.
>
>> “How long will it take us to get there?” Heinrich
>>asked as he settled into the spacious back seat.
>
>> “About three hours from here, sir.”
>
>> Well, Heinrich thought, this camp must be in the
>>middle of nowhere for it to take three hours to get
>>there. Heinrich took his hat off and turned so that
>>he could look out of the window at the passing
>>countryside. In Finland, when he had left there,
>>everything had been covered for months with a thick
>>layer of snow and cut one "and" here and it flows better. JMHO ice and bitter cold. He was
>>thankful for the move south to slightly warmer
>>temperatures.
>
>> Snow covered the rooftops of the farm houses they
>>passed by. The snow here was lighter, easier to deal
>>with, and Heinrich felt better being in it. It was
>>the type of snow he had grown up with, soft and
>>fluffy.
>
>> Two hours passed by swiftly as the car moved past
>>snow covered forests, hills, villages and towns. Only
>>once did they have to pull over for a convoy of trucks
>>full of soldiers to move through. They were stopped
>>at a checkpoint and the guards were checking
>>Heinrich’s orders that the driver had handed them.
>Maybe a bit of information about the roads would be interessting especially since in germany they were one of Hitlers priorities since way before the war.
>> Off in the distance, on a bare expanse of a hill,
>>Heinrich could see a group of people being marched at
>>gun point by four soldiers. Heinrich couldn’t see the
>>group of here you can cut the "group of" since you said just befor thet the people were in a group. people clearly, but it looked like women,
>>children, and maybe a couple of elderly men. The
>>group was right at the edge of the forest when they
>>stopped. The soldiers arranged them in a line, and
>>then Heinrich saw the soldiers shoot them all,
>>including the children.
>
>> Heinrich lurched out of the car suddenly. out of the driving car? no urging the driver to stop first or so?
He ran to
>>the side of the road and threw up in the ditch. One
>>of the guards came over to him. which guards? I thought he was just with the driver?
>
>> “Are you all right, Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer?”
>
>> Heinrich gagged and took a drink from the flask the
>>guard offered him. Thankfully it was water and
>>Heinrich rinsed his mouth to get the terrible taste
>>out. Heinrich asked quietly, “Did you see what
>>happened on the hill over there?”
>
>> “Oh, that. Just another execution. Even with all
>>the rules and regulations, the damned Jews won’t leave
>>unless we force them to.” Ok, at which time of the war are you aproximatly? (I'm not good with years) because later on it wasn't only the jews that were killed.
>
>> “Even the women and children?” Heinrich asked, still
>>bowed over in front of the ditch.
>
>> “Of course. Everyone must be gone from the towns,
>>who are undesirables. Didn’t you know about that
>law?”
>
>> “I’ve been at the front for three years. We don’t
>>hear anything about the new laws up there. Not unless
>>it has to do with how we do things there.”
>
>> “Well sir, your papers check out. You’d best be on
>>your way.”
>
>> “Thank you.” Heinrich said as dignified as he could.
>>He made his way back to the car and settled himself
>>back in, not looking at the hill where the murderers
>>were putting dirt over the bodies of the slain. how does he know what the soldieres doe if he isn't looking? And if there is still snow, the groung would be too hard for them to cover the bodies.
>
>> Heinrich was deeply shaken. He had, of course, in
>>his time on the front, killed men. The killing that
>>he had done though, was in self defense. If he had
>>not killed the men coming at him, then he would surely
>>have been killed instead. Killing men who were
>>threatening to kill you first was an acceptable thing
>>to do, to Heinrich’s way of thinking. Killing
>>defenseless men, women and children however was
>>completely barbaric. He always thought that women and
>>children were not to be harmed in war and that they
>>should be kept as far from harm as possible.
>>Sometimes accidents occurred but you were not supposed
>>to go out on purpose to harm women and children. He
>>decided that he would talk to Wilhelm about it when he
>>arrived at the camp.
>
>> His driver did not look back at him. He just
>>continued on his way as if nothing had happened.
>>They were driving through open country now. Forest
>>lined both sides of the road for as far as Heinrich
>>could see in front of him. Ok, here I don't get the picture of the landscape. If a landscape is open, I don't expect forrests lining the streets.
About twenty minutes down
>>the road, the forest abruptly stopped. Flat, treeless
>>land where nothing grew spread across the land on both
>>sides. Off in the distance a long plume of fire and
>>smoke spread into the sky above. Huge towers rose up
>>at intervals along a fence of some sort. The fence
>>appeared to have three layers with the width of a man
>>in between each layer. The buildings behind the fence
>>were immense and made of brick. The other side of the
>>camp appeared to have a series of low buildings in two
>>rows of four. Probably where the prisoners were
>>housed, Heinrich thought. Rail lines came right
>>through the camp. A train was just pulling out.
>>Steam bellowed out of the stack as it came to life
>>again. Hundreds of people stood in the yard, waiting.
>>
>
>> The car took a turn in the road and Heinrich could no
>>longer see what was going on in the camp. The car
>>parked in front of a large house. A building in the camp already? If yes, maybe a sentence where they are driving through the gates, since those were usually very impressiv.
The driver came
>>over and helped Heinrich out of the car. He ushered
>>Heinrich up the front walk to the door. He knocked
>>briskly and waited. The door was opened slowly by a man
>>in a tattered suit. He urged Heinrich into the front
>>hall.
>
>> “If you will wait here a moment, sir, the Kommandant
>>will be with you presently.” The man bowed deeply and
>>left Heinrich in the hall. Heinrich admitted to
>>himself that he did not know what went on at his
>>brother’s camp, but he could sense that whatever it
>>was that went on behind those fences, was not anything
>>to be proud of. He had always been sheltered from the
>>idle gossip about the mass killings at the front and
>>it appeared to him that he had been kept in the dark
>>about the happenings at the camps as well. Well, now
>>he was going to get the truth brutally shoved in his
>>face whether he liked it or not. Heinrich only hoped
>>that he could at least get through it.
>
>> Heinrich put his bag down and took his coat off
>>setting it on top of his bag. He took his hat off and
>>put it under his arm. Heinrich then settled himself
>>into a plain wooden chair that was set next to an
>>equally plain table being the only furniture in the
>>hall. He tipped the chair back onto two legs and
>>closed his eyes.
>
>> “Well, now. Who do we have here? Looks like a
>>bedraggled soldier from the front. He certainly can’t
>>be my little brother.” Heinrich slowly opened his
>>eyes to see Wilhelm standing across the little table
>>from him.
>
>> “I’m sorry Will, I must have dozed off.”
>
>> “Never mind Heinrich. It’s wonderful to see you.
>>Come with me.” Wilhelm left Heinrich no option but to
>>follow him into the house.
Ok, you really chose a tough subject for your story, but you made me like Heinrich which is a lot more than the last try you posted. I agree with page about the use of the names. I'm interested how this story will play out. If you have any questions regarding Germany (exept for military ranks, cos I have no clue about those) just mail me. My addy is on Esthers list.
