Date Posted:20:17:35 04/03/10 Sat Author: Esther Subject: Thanks Susie! >>> In reply to:
susiej
's message, "Re: This way please >>>" on 18:50:34 03/31/10 Wed
Thanks! I'll have to give this one some thought
>>
>>Heather, you’re…not…safe here. His large frame
>>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>>suffered. Think of…Darian and…he will…come…for
>>you.
>
> His large frame sounds so analytical- especially
>coming before racked with pain. I'd just say body or
>even his beautiful body
K!
>>
>>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance.
>how exactly? the grace and quickness with which he
>always moved was gone? the luster of his eyes?-show
>me!
Hmmmm. His magic is what was fading, and it's that magic that is intangible that makes his physical presence so much more. How's that for using that? *G* Seriously...he's just been lying there prone for quite a bit so I can't think of anyway to show what isn't there. I'll ponder it some.
>>
>>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless.
>this is good! His whole body appeared boneless.
> that was good!Damn you Fallon. It
>>will not end like this!
Thanks!
>>
>>…Sorry…Hon…
>>
>>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute.
> yea- see, you've got it now.
>>“I need you to stay with me.”
K!
>>
>>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>>eyes had a bruised look. how about: The skin
>beneath his eyes looked bruised, his pallor like a
>corpse. The other seemed wordy and formal for such a
>sad thought.
Yeah, but then I have a looked in there that isn't the same as her seeing his face appeared bruised, but rather reads as if she's looking, which I was trying to avoid as unnecessary because it's Heather's POV and if she's seeing it, she doesn't have to look. I'll try and clarify it tho!
>>“I’m not even your mate and you’re driving me crazy.”
>>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck,
>cut reached out-go straight to grabbed- more powerful.
>You use reach out at least 3 times in this passage-
>make sure you need it- when there is distance enough
>for it to be needed or its symbolic.
K, I'll so a search and see what I come up with *G*
>>pulling me toward him. “I can’t remember why I want
>>to resist,” he whispered against my lips. “So don’t
>>fail or we’re all at risk.”
>>
>>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>>the two males I couldn’t give up. He became the
>>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>>back. this may be personal, but I think short
>snappy sentences would have more impact for this
>breathless bit. He was breathing hard. It took him...
> When he did, I realized he had been holding
>>Fallon down, restraining him.
Well, I agree that shorter sentences have more impact, but my intent here isn't to highlight Cadmus's breathlessness, but to hint that Fallon's 'acceptence' will affect Cadmus as well as Darian. Hmmmm maybe I'll just put a ; in and it'll all be good. *G*
>>
>>Stunned, I stared off into the distance, cut out
>off
K!
>>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>>
>>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>>undone. now, that's too much info- top or bottom
>of shirt doesn't matter- just get that damn thing off!
>*g*
LOL Well, I disagree. *G* I think it's easier to rip the bottom upwards as opposed to grabbing the top and pulling out. *G* And besides she started tracing his body from the shoulders down, so why would she go back up to the top and work her way down again as the fastest way to bare all would be to go back up and then it's a simple matter to ease it off his shoulders. ;-) Oh! And you were suppost to have the image of his abs being reavealed one button at a time. *G* I might need to expand on this...
>>His breath panted in my ear. He panted in my ear.
>Breath can't pant by itself, I don't think.
Hmmmm. He panted in my ear sounds like he's a dog slobbering all over her, at least IMHO *G* So...I'll have to think about this and see what I can do.
>>At the last second I remembered Darian’s admonition
>>that no part of Fallon’s body could be in mine.
> I put a period after admonition. No part of...
>make that sentence stand alone and stronger. Get rid
>of the boring that.
Now this I can do!
>>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>>were a great effort, His lashes flutterd. With a
>great effort his eyes opened.
I think this strays into POV issues. Heather can visibly see that his need was undiminished, but she can't know that it took him great effort to open his eyes. Sure they might have fluttered but then she's making an assumption as if they were hard to open.
He licked his
>>lips. “So you’ve done your good deed. You’ve saved
>>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>>take care of you.”
>
> Hope this helped. A great, tension filled scene
>but it needs some tightening, more immediacy to keep
>up the tension. And BTW, if Heather can't have both,
>can I have one?
Of course it helped! Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Much appreciated! Oh and I'll add your name to the list. ;-)
