Date Posted:20:37:25 04/06/10 Tue Author:susiej Subject: Re: In here... In reply to:
debikm
's message, "In here..." on 22:15:08 04/03/10 Sat
>Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright
>2009-2010 Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted
>for sharing and critique purposes only, does not
>constitute publication.
>
>This is very early in Molly's story, the very same
>morning we meet her. She's gotten up, gone for a walk
>with the dog, had her breakfast. Thanks to a casual
>question from a a patron at the diner, she's started
>thinking about Gil, the more-absent-than-present
>boyfriend.
>************
>Damn Tim Mendohlssen for reminding her of how long it
>had been since she’d seen Gil. I like the opening line but the para gets a little wordy after it. And some of it is redundant. Despite his long
>absences, often without any word for weeks at a time,
>she still welcomed him every time he came back.
Despite his long absences, she welcomed him every time he came back. I think the middle phrase weakened the powerful gist of this line. It's that thought right there that made me think- oh, wow, sad. I've so been there.
next line tells us what we can already gather from the rest,Their relationship wasn’t really a relationship at all.
When he came to Jacksonville, he stayed with her, at the
>bar and in her bed. All her friends knew him as her
>boyfriend and she was okay with the description of
>their status, but in truth, he was absent far more
>than he was here. Her heart broke every time he left.
>It also crossed her mind from time to time that there
>may be other women who felt that way about the man I had to read that last phrase twice. How about-felt the same way. It also gets rid of a that. So far, she had maintained her ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’policy regarding this matter. Not that she had she'd
>anything to confess. The bar may be a traditional
>venue for picking up a stray man for the night, but
>not if you ran the place. By closing time, she was
>ready for everyone to leave.
>
>“Son of a bitch.” Molly was frustrated with herself
>and with the loss of peace in her thoughts- that last line tells us what I think we could guess for ourselves particularly with the sigh and the action coming up Sighing,>she rooted under the counter for the hookup to the
>music player. It took up a lot less space than a
>jukebox and Molly didn’t have much room in the place
>to spare. Molly didn't have much room seems strange as if she's a cabinet or something- i think the mere mention of less space gives us the idea that space is an issue.
>Scrolling through the options, she chose Gil’s name
>from a list and set it to play random selections.
>Twelve string guitar and a mellow voice flowed from
>the speakers and
>Molly closed her eyes, just listening. If she couldn’t
>have his physical presence, at least she could hear
>him sing.
>
>It ain’t much, but it’s what we are
>A week, a month, in that little bar.
>Our time apart just takes its time.
>Together it just flies.
>
>I don’t know how to stay in one place
>And you don’t know how to go
>But I’ll come back to you, I’ll come.
>Just as long as you’re my home.
>
>“You’re missing him again.”
>
>Molly jumped at the voice behind her and spun even
>though she recognized the petite barmaid’s voice.
>Kelsey stood on the other side of the bar, her purse
>still on her shoulder. She was one of the few people
>that was shorter and smaller than Molly, but she made
>up for her size with brass and the biggest heart on
>the planet. Her knowing gaze took in the blush Molly
>felt crawling up her face.
>
>“Honey, you can hide it from everyone else, but not
>me. I’ve been married to a Navy Master Chief from the
>time he was an E-1. We’ve spent a lot of time apart. I
>know that look because I saw it in the mirror every
>time he left.” Kelsey came around the bar and stashed
>her bag under the counter then turned to Molly and
>took her hands. how about- before turning to Molly. I like to get rid of "then"s when I can.
>“If you miss him so much, you need to tell him.”
>
>Molly shook her head with a tiny flicker of a smile.
>“You know how he is, Kels. The road is in his blood.
>He starts getting itchy feet—“
>
>“There’s powder for that.”
LOL!
>
>“You know what I mean.”
>
>Kelsey squeezed her hands, warming the clammy fingers.
>“Yes I do. And I also know that the two of you have
>been dancing around being together for ten years. If
>he didn’t love you he wouldn’t come back. And if you
>didn’t love him you’d quit letting him. All I’m saying
>is you need to tell him how you feel.”
>
>“It’s not that easy.”
>
>Kelsey snorted. “Of course it is. You just man up and
>tell him ‘Honey, I love you and I’m tired of you not
>being around. Do something about it.’ If he runs like
>hell, you’re better off without him. But he won’t.”
>
>“I’m not so sure. If I hold on too tight, he’ll be
>gone.”
>
>“Girl, you don’t have any hold at all. If you want
>him, you have to tell him.” Kelsey pulled her into a
>quick embrace whether Molly wanted her to or not. Then
>Kelsey held her at arm’s length and held her gaze.
>Molly could see that the little woman was serious, but
>a hint of mischief sparkled in the dark depths of her
>eyes.
>
>“Men are stupid. Gawd that's the truth! They have to be told what’s going on
>or they just assume everything is hunky dory. It’s up
>to us to let them know when something isn’t right.”
>
>Molly shrugged. “But who tells me when things aren’t
>right?” Your heart. The thing is- women listen.
I like this Debi! I can feel the heartache. And I really like Kelsey and its not just that I have empathy for short women.
Thanks for the suggestions and catches. All good and I will be incorporating them when I sit back down qith Molly tomorrow. She's been poking at me lately. I almost wonder if she isn't the one who wants me to finish and valerie's gotten bored with me. ;-)
I like this Debi! I can feel the heartache. And I
>really like Kelsey and its not just that I have
>empathy for short women.
Kelsey is a good-as-gold friend for Molly. And, since I'm tall, I've found myself writing shorter, smaller women. Always want what we can't have, I suppose. Again, I appreciate your insight. I love having good eyes catch my shortfalls and offer great ways to make them better. You rock!
susiej