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Date Posted: 22:15:08 04/03/10 Sat
Author: 
debikm
Subject: In here...
In reply to:
debikm
's message, "Not homework, but something new from Molly" on 22:12:33 04/03/10 Sat
Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright 2009-2010 Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
This is very early in Molly's story, the very same morning we meet her. She's gotten up, gone for a walk with the dog, had her breakfast. Thanks to a casual question from a a patron at the diner, she's started thinking about Gil, the more-absent-than-present boyfriend.
************
Damn Tim Mendohlssen for reminding her of how long it had been since she’d seen Gil. Despite his long absences, often without any word for weeks at a time, she still welcomed him every time he came back. Their relationship wasn’t really a relationship at all. When he came to Jacksonville, he stayed with her, at the bar and in her bed. All her friends knew him as her boyfriend and she was okay with the description of their status, but in truth, he was absent far more than he was here. Her heart broke every time he left. It also crossed her mind from time to time that there may be other women who felt that way about the man. So far, she had maintained her ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding this matter. Not that she had anything to confess. The bar may be a traditional venue for picking up a stray man for the night, but not if you ran the place. By closing time, she was ready for everyone to leave.
“Son of a bitch.” Molly was frustrated with herself and with the loss of peace in her thoughts. Sighing, she rooted under the counter for the hookup to the music player. It took up a lot less space than a jukebox and Molly didn’t have much room in the place to spare.
Scrolling through the options, she chose Gil’s name from a list and set it to play random selections. Twelve string guitar and a mellow voice flowed from the speakers and
Molly closed her eyes, just listening. If she couldn’t have his physical presence, at least she could hear him sing.
It ain’t much, but it’s what we are
A week, a month, in that little bar.
Our time apart just takes its time.
Together it just flies.
I don’t know how to stay in one place
And you don’t know how to go
But I’ll come back to you, I’ll come.
Just as long as you’re my home.
“You’re missing him again.”
Molly jumped at the voice behind her and spun even though she recognized the petite barmaid’s voice. Kelsey stood on the other side of the bar, her purse still on her shoulder. She was one of the few people that was shorter and smaller than Molly, but she made up for her size with brass and the biggest heart on the planet. Her knowing gaze took in the blush Molly felt crawling up her face.
“Honey, you can hide it from everyone else, but not me. I’ve been married to a Navy Master Chief from the time he was an E-1. We’ve spent a lot of time apart. I know that look because I saw it in the mirror every time he left.” Kelsey came around the bar and stashed her bag under the counter then turned to Molly and took her hands.
“If you miss him so much, you need to tell him.”
Molly shook her head with a tiny flicker of a smile. “You know how he is, Kels. The road is in his blood. He starts getting itchy feet—“
“There’s powder for that.”
“You know what I mean.”
Kelsey squeezed her hands, warming the clammy fingers. “Yes I do. And I also know that the two of you have been dancing around being together for ten years. If he didn’t love you he wouldn’t come back. And if you didn’t love him you’d quit letting him. All I’m saying is you need to tell him how you feel.”
“It’s not that easy.”
Kelsey snorted. “Of course it is. You just man up and tell him ‘Honey, I love you and I’m tired of you not being around. Do something about it.’ If he runs like hell, you’re better off without him. But he won’t.”
“I’m not so sure. If I hold on too tight, he’ll be gone.”
“Girl, you don’t have any hold at all. If you want him, you have to tell him.” Kelsey pulled her into a quick embrace whether Molly wanted her to or not. Then Kelsey held her at arm’s length and held her gaze. Molly could see that the little woman was serious, but a hint of mischief sparkled in the dark depths of her eyes.
“Men are stupid. They have to be told what’s going on or they just assume everything is hunky dory. It’s up to us to let them know when something isn’t right.”
Molly shrugged. “But who tells me when things aren’t right?”
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Re: In here... -- susiej, 20:37:25 04/06/10 Tue
>Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright
>2009-2010 Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted
>for sharing and critique purposes only, does not
>constitute publication.
>
>This is very early in Molly's story, the very same
>morning we meet her. She's gotten up, gone for a walk
>with the dog, had her breakfast. Thanks to a casual
>question from a a patron at the diner, she's started
>thinking about Gil, the more-absent-than-present
>boyfriend.
>************
>Damn Tim Mendohlssen for reminding her of how long it
>had been since she’d seen Gil. I like the opening line but the para gets a little wordy after it. And some of it is redundant. Despite his long
>absences, often without any word for weeks at a time,
>she still welcomed him every time he came back.
Despite his long absences, she welcomed him every time he came back. I think the middle phrase weakened the powerful gist of this line. It's that thought right there that made me think- oh, wow, sad. I've so been there.
next line tells us what we can already gather from the rest,Their relationship wasn’t really a relationship at all.
When he came to Jacksonville, he stayed with her, at the
>bar and in her bed. All her friends knew him as her
>boyfriend and she was okay with the description of
>their status, but in truth, he was absent far more
>than he was here. Her heart broke every time he left.
>It also crossed her mind from time to time that there
>may be other women who felt that way about the man I had to read that last phrase twice. How about-felt the same way. It also gets rid of a that. So far, she had maintained her ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’policy regarding this matter. Not that she had she'd
>anything to confess. The bar may be a traditional
>venue for picking up a stray man for the night, but
>not if you ran the place. By closing time, she was
>ready for everyone to leave.
>
>“Son of a bitch.” Molly was frustrated with herself
>and with the loss of peace in her thoughts- that last line tells us what I think we could guess for ourselves particularly with the sigh and the action coming up Sighing,>she rooted under the counter for the hookup to the
>music player. It took up a lot less space than a
>jukebox and Molly didn’t have much room in the place
>to spare. Molly didn't have much room seems strange as if she's a cabinet or something- i think the mere mention of less space gives us the idea that space is an issue.
>Scrolling through the options, she chose Gil’s name
>from a list and set it to play random selections.
>Twelve string guitar and a mellow voice flowed from
>the speakers and
>Molly closed her eyes, just listening. If she couldn’t
>have his physical presence, at least she could hear
>him sing.
>
>It ain’t much, but it’s what we are
>A week, a month, in that little bar.
>Our time apart just takes its time.
>Together it just flies.
>
>I don’t know how to stay in one place
>And you don’t know how to go
>But I’ll come back to you, I’ll come.
>Just as long as you’re my home.
>
>“You’re missing him again.”
>
>Molly jumped at the voice behind her and spun even
>though she recognized the petite barmaid’s voice.
>Kelsey stood on the other side of the bar, her purse
>still on her shoulder. She was one of the few people
>that was shorter and smaller than Molly, but she made
>up for her size with brass and the biggest heart on
>the planet. Her knowing gaze took in the blush Molly
>felt crawling up her face.
>
>“Honey, you can hide it from everyone else, but not
>me. I’ve been married to a Navy Master Chief from the
>time he was an E-1. We’ve spent a lot of time apart. I
>know that look because I saw it in the mirror every
>time he left.” Kelsey came around the bar and stashed
>her bag under the counter then turned to Molly and
>took her hands.
how about- before turning to Molly. I like to get rid of "then"s when I can.
>“If you miss him so much, you need to tell him.”
>
>Molly shook her head with a tiny flicker of a smile.
>“You know how he is, Kels. The road is in his blood.
>He starts getting itchy feet—“
>
>“There’s powder for that.”
LOL!
>
>“You know what I mean.”
>
>Kelsey squeezed her hands, warming the clammy fingers.
>“Yes I do. And I also know that the two of you have
>been dancing around being together for ten years. If
>he didn’t love you he wouldn’t come back. And if you
>didn’t love him you’d quit letting him. All I’m saying
>is you need to tell him how you feel.”
>
>“It’s not that easy.”
>
>Kelsey snorted. “Of course it is. You just man up and
>tell him ‘Honey, I love you and I’m tired of you not
>being around. Do something about it.’ If he runs like
>hell, you’re better off without him. But he won’t.”
>
>“I’m not so sure. If I hold on too tight, he’ll be
>gone.”
>
>“Girl, you don’t have any hold at all. If you want
>him, you have to tell him.” Kelsey pulled her into a
>quick embrace whether Molly wanted her to or not. Then
>Kelsey held her at arm’s length and held her gaze.
>Molly could see that the little woman was serious, but
>a hint of mischief sparkled in the dark depths of her
>eyes.
>
>“Men are stupid. Gawd that's the truth! They have to be told what’s going on
>or they just assume everything is hunky dory. It’s up
>to us to let them know when something isn’t right.”
>
>Molly shrugged. “But who tells me when things aren’t
>right?” Your heart. The thing is- women listen.
I like this Debi! I can feel the heartache. And I really like Kelsey and its not just that I have empathy for short women.
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Thanks susiej! -- debikm, 21:14:50 04/06/10 Tue
Thanks for the suggestions and catches. All good and I will be incorporating them when I sit back down qith Molly tomorrow. She's been poking at me lately. I almost wonder if she isn't the one who wants me to finish and valerie's gotten bored with me. ;-)
I like this Debi! I can feel the heartache. And I
>really like Kelsey and its not just that I have
>empathy for short women.
Kelsey is a good-as-gold friend for Molly. And, since I'm tall, I've found myself writing shorter, smaller women. Always want what we can't have, I suppose. Again, I appreciate your insight. I love having good eyes catch my shortfalls and offer great ways to make them better. You rock!
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returning the critiquing favour -- Fi, 07:00:14 04/08/10 Thu
Hi Debi,
This is my first time reading "Downtown Babylon" so I may be missing out on some of the background. It certainly won't be my last, though; I really want to find out more about Molly!
I agree with Susie that the first paragraph is a little wordy. You could probably remove some of the extraneous words like "in truth" and "regarding this matter". It also comes across as more "tell" than "show". You could
, for example, show Molly's thoughts in more concrete form, maybe she thinks about the way her heart breaks as she sees him walking out the door again... you know the characters better than me, but you see what I mean I hope :)
Then came that brilliant part where Molly put on his music and closed her eyes. You really get across how music can transport a person. Kelsey is a great character - she reminds me of a friend of mine who's 5ft nothing and takes no nonsense. You have a great ear for dialogue and that "there's a powder for that" line gave me a good laugh.
Looking forward to more,
Fiona
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Thak you Fi! -- debikm, 20:08:21 04/08/10 Thu
>Hi Debi,
>This is my first time reading "Downtown Babylon" so I
>may be missing out on some of the background. It
>certainly won't be my last, though; I really want to
>find out more about Molly!
>
>I agree with Susie that the first paragraph is a
>little wordy. You could probably remove some of the
>extraneous words like "in truth" and "regarding this
>matter". It also comes across as more "tell" than
>"show". You could
>, for example, show Molly's thoughts in more concrete
>form, maybe she thinks about the way her heart breaks
>as she sees him walking out the door again... you know
>the characters better than me, but you see what I mean
>I hope :)
>
>Then came that brilliant part where Molly put on his
>music and closed her eyes. You really get across how
>music can transport a person. Kelsey is a great
>character - she reminds me of a friend of mine who's
>5ft nothing and takes no nonsense. You have a great
>ear for dialogue and that "there's a powder for that"
>line gave me a good laugh.
>
>Looking forward to more,
>Fiona
Point taken! I'll work on the babbling at the beginning. This scene has perked at the back of my mind for some time, but until I started writing it, Kelsey hadn't decided to butt in. I'm glad she did. There's lots more that Molly hasn't told me; we'll be back!
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Yea-hey! More DB! >>> -- Page, 11:08:46 04/10/10 Sat
>Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright
>2009-2010 Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted
>for sharing and critique purposes only, does not
>constitute publication.
>
>Damn Tim Mendohlssen for reminding her of how long it
>had been since she’d seen Gil. I've not read the bit before this, but I assume it contains Tim's comments, etc. So this part would be repetitious. How about "Damn Tim Mendohlssen for bringing up Gil. Like she needed any reminders about how long he'd been gone this time." or something similar. Despite his long
>absences, often without any word for weeks at a time,
>she still welcomed him every time he came back. Their
>relationship wasn’t really a relationship at all. When
>he came to Jacksonville, he stayed with her, at the
>bar and in her bed. All her friends knew him as her
>boyfriend and she was okay with the description of
>their status, but in truth, he was absent far more
>than he was here. I would switch these two sentences - start with how her friends saw the two of them, then follow with his staying with her when he came to Jacksonville. Btw, nice way to show how Molly feels their relationship is "iffy" without spelling it out! Her heart broke every time he left.
>It also crossed her mind from time to time that there
>may might be other women who felt that way about the man. So
>far, she had maintained her ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’
>policy regarding this matter. Not that she herself had
>anything to confess. The bar may A bar might be a traditional
>venue for picking up a stray man for the night, but
>not if you ran the place. By closing time, she was
>ready for everyone to leave.
>
>“Son of a bitch.” Molly was frustrated with herself
>and with the loss of peace in her thoughts. I don't think you need that last sentence. Her next actions, sighing and playing his music, show it. Sighing,
>she rooted under the counter for the hookup to the
>music player. It took up a lot less space than a
>jukebox and Molly didn’t have much room in the place
>to spare.
>Scrolling through the options, she chose Gil’s name
>from a list and set it to play random selections.
>Twelve string guitar and a mellow voice flowed from
>the speakers and
>Molly closed her eyes, just listening. If she couldn’t
>have his physical presence, at least she could hear
>him sing.
>
>It ain’t much, but it’s what we are
>A week, a month, in that little bar.
>Our time apart just takes its time.
>Together it just flies.
Now you know I'm rubbish at lyrics - had to "hire" someone to write mine for my book! - but how about:
It ain't much, but it's what we are
A week, a month, in that little bar.
Our time together flies by too fast;
Can't seem to find a way to make it last.
>
>I don’t know how to stay in one place
>And you don’t know how to go roam?
>But I’ll come back to you, I’ll come.
>Just as long as you’re my home. 'Cause, baby, you're my home.
Just some suggestions. If I could write lyrics I'd be in England making wild monkey love an album with Jimmy Page! *G*
>
>“You’re missing him again.”
>
>Molly jumped at the voice behind her and spun even
>though she recognized the petite barmaid’s voice.
>Kelsey stood on the other side of the bar, her purse
>still on her shoulder. She was one of the few people
>that was shorter and smaller than Molly, but she made
>up for her size with brass and the biggest heart on
>the planet. Her knowing gaze took in the blush Molly
>felt crawling up her face.
>
>“Honey, you can hide it from everyone else, but not
>me. I’ve been married to a Navy Master Chief from the
>time he was an E-1. We’ve spent a lot of time apart. I
>know that look because I saw it in the mirror every
>time he left.” Kelsey came around the bar and stashed
>her bag under the counter then turned to Molly and
>took her hands.
>
>“If you miss him so much, you need to tell him.”
>
>Molly shook her head with a tiny flicker of a smile.
>“You know how he is, Kels. The road is in his blood.
>He starts getting itchy feet—“
>
>“There’s powder for that.”
>
>“You know what I mean.”
>
>Kelsey squeezed her hands, warming the clammy fingers.
>“Yes I do. And I also know that the two of you have
>been dancing around being together for ten years. If
>he didn’t love you he wouldn’t come back. And if you
>didn’t love him you’d quit letting him. All I’m saying
>is you need to tell him how you feel.”
>
>“It’s not that easy.”
>
>Kelsey snorted. “Of course it is. You just man up and
>tell him ‘Honey, I love you and I’m tired of you not
>being around. Do something about it.’ If he runs like
>hell, you’re better off without him. But he won’t.”
>
>“I’m not so sure. If I hold on too tight, he’ll be
>gone.”
>
>“Girl, you don’t have any hold at all. If you want
>him, you have to tell him.” Kelsey pulled her into a
>quick embrace whether Molly wanted her to or not. Then
>Kelsey held her at arm’s length and held her gaze.
>Molly could see that the little woman was serious, but
>a hint of mischief sparkled in the dark depths of her
>eyes.
>
>“Men are stupid. They have to be told what’s going on
>or they just assume everything is hunky dory. It’s up
>to us to let them know when something isn’t right.”
>
>Molly shrugged. “But who tells me when things aren’t
>right?”
I like Kelsey! Everyone needs a friend who will tell it like it is, and she does it with humor and compassion.
Lovely piece, Debi. It clearly shows the relationship between Molly and Gil and how she feels about it. Well done!
Hugs,
Page
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LOL Page! Comments like these are part of the reason why I love you! -- debikm, 13:07:39 04/10/10 Sat
>>
>>It ain’t much, but it’s what we are
>>A week, a month, in that little bar.
>>Our time apart just takes its time.
>>Together it just flies.
>Now you know I'm rubbish at lyrics - had to
>"hire" someone to write mine for my book! - but how
>about:
>
>It ain't much, but it's what we are
>A week, a month, in that little bar.
>Our time together flies by too fast;
>Can't seem to find a way to make it last.
>>
>>I don’t know how to stay in one place
>>And you don’t know how to go
>roam?
>>But I’ll come back to you, I’ll come.
>>Just as long as you’re my home. 'Cause, baby,
>you're my home.
>Just some suggestions. If I could write lyrics I'd be
>in England making wild monkey love an album
>with Jimmy Page! *G*Good God, you may be 'rubbish' as you put it, but you made it sound so much better already! And as for the, ahem, album, you're a far better lyricist than alot who've had hits. I say go for it! ;-)
>>
>>“You’re missing him again.”
>>
You're spot-on with the trims and tweaks. I'll be working in them momentaciously *G* Thanks for the help!
>I like Kelsey! Everyone needs a friend who will
>tell it like it is, and she does it with humor and
>compassion.
>
>Lovely piece, Debi. It clearly shows the relationship
>between Molly and Gil and how she feels about it.
>Well done!
>
>Hugs,
>Page
Thank you!
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