Date Posted:20:08:21 04/08/10 Thu Author:debikm Subject: Thak you Fi! In reply to:
Fi
's message, "returning the critiquing favour" on 07:00:14 04/08/10 Thu
>Hi Debi,
>This is my first time reading "Downtown Babylon" so I
>may be missing out on some of the background. It
>certainly won't be my last, though; I really want to
>find out more about Molly!
>
>I agree with Susie that the first paragraph is a
>little wordy. You could probably remove some of the
>extraneous words like "in truth" and "regarding this
>matter". It also comes across as more "tell" than
>"show". You could
>, for example, show Molly's thoughts in more concrete
>form, maybe she thinks about the way her heart breaks
>as she sees him walking out the door again... you know
>the characters better than me, but you see what I mean
>I hope :)
>
>Then came that brilliant part where Molly put on his
>music and closed her eyes. You really get across how
>music can transport a person. Kelsey is a great
>character - she reminds me of a friend of mine who's
>5ft nothing and takes no nonsense. You have a great
>ear for dialogue and that "there's a powder for that"
>line gave me a good laugh.
>
>Looking forward to more,
>Fiona
Point taken! I'll work on the babbling at the beginning. This scene has perked at the back of my mind for some time, but until I started writing it, Kelsey hadn't decided to butt in. I'm glad she did. There's lots more that Molly hasn't told me; we'll be back!
debikm