Date Posted:07:00:14 04/08/10 Thu Author: Fi Subject: returning the critiquing favour In reply to:
debikm
's message, "In here..." on 22:15:08 04/03/10 Sat
Hi Debi,
This is my first time reading "Downtown Babylon" so I may be missing out on some of the background. It certainly won't be my last, though; I really want to find out more about Molly!
I agree with Susie that the first paragraph is a little wordy. You could probably remove some of the extraneous words like "in truth" and "regarding this matter". It also comes across as more "tell" than "show". You could
, for example, show Molly's thoughts in more concrete form, maybe she thinks about the way her heart breaks as she sees him walking out the door again... you know the characters better than me, but you see what I mean I hope :)
Then came that brilliant part where Molly put on his music and closed her eyes. You really get across how music can transport a person. Kelsey is a great character - she reminds me of a friend of mine who's 5ft nothing and takes no nonsense. You have a great ear for dialogue and that "there's a powder for that" line gave me a good laugh.
>Hi Debi,
>This is my first time reading "Downtown Babylon" so I
>may be missing out on some of the background. It
>certainly won't be my last, though; I really want to
>find out more about Molly!
>
>I agree with Susie that the first paragraph is a
>little wordy. You could probably remove some of the
>extraneous words like "in truth" and "regarding this
>matter". It also comes across as more "tell" than
>"show". You could
>, for example, show Molly's thoughts in more concrete
>form, maybe she thinks about the way her heart breaks
>as she sees him walking out the door again... you know
>the characters better than me, but you see what I mean
>I hope :)
>
>Then came that brilliant part where Molly put on his
>music and closed her eyes. You really get across how
>music can transport a person. Kelsey is a great
>character - she reminds me of a friend of mine who's
>5ft nothing and takes no nonsense. You have a great
>ear for dialogue and that "there's a powder for that"
>line gave me a good laugh.
>
>Looking forward to more,
>Fiona
Point taken! I'll work on the babbling at the beginning. This scene has perked at the back of my mind for some time, but until I started writing it, Kelsey hadn't decided to butt in. I'm glad she did. There's lots more that Molly hasn't told me; we'll be back!
debikm, 20:08:21 04/08/10 Thu