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Date Posted: 12:11:18 04/10/10 Sat
Author: 
Page
Subject: That damned query letter >>>>
In reply to:
Page
's message, "Two burning questions" on 12:06:59 04/10/10 Sat
I've fiddled with this thing more than I have the book. And I've revised the book three times! I'm to the point of cutting and pasting the lyrics of The Beatles' Paperback Writer into a Word document and sending it out. (Hey, that's not a bad...never mind.)
Be honest, be brutal, be picky. Pretend you have no idea what the book's about and tell me if you'd be intrigued by this:
Dear [name of agent of awesomeness],
Katie Carey’s husband has a mistress and her name is heroin.
As the wife of British guitar god Jay Carey, Katie lived a fantasy life as one half of a superstar rock and roll couple in London in the 1970s. She and Jay had it all; the big houses, the cars, and phenomenal success in the music industry. But when Jay began indulging in every excess the decadent lifestyle offered Katie watched her perfect world collapse. It was a shock for the former flower child to realize that contrary to what The Beatles said, love is not all you need. Her love for Jay was no match for the insidious pull of heroin addiction; he craved the oblivion the drug gave him more than anything, including his wife.
After a year of trying to put her life back together after Jay walked out on her, Katie is thrown into confusion when he shows up on her doorstep clean, sober and ready to start over. She still loves him and wants him back, but he’ll have to prove she can trust him not to destroy her heart again.
My novel CAREY ON is Contemporary Romance complete at 145,402 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
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Re: That damned query letter >>>> -- debikm, 13:13:21 04/10/10 Sat
>I've fiddled with this thing more than I have the
>book. And I've revised the book three times! I'm to
>the point of cutting and pasting the lyrics of The
>Beatles' Paperback Writer into a Word document
>and sending it out. (Hey, that's not a bad...never
>mind.)
>
>Be honest, be brutal, be picky. Pretend you have no
>idea what the book's about and tell me if you'd be
>intrigued by this:
>
>Dear [name of agent of awesomeness],
>
>Katie Carey’s husband has a mistress and her name is
>heroin.
>
>As the wife of British guitar god Jay Carey, Katie
>lived a fantasy life as one half of a superstar rock
>and roll couple in London in the 1970s. She and Jay
>had it all; the big houses, the cars, and phenomenal
>success in the music industry. But when Jay began
>indulging in every excess the decadent lifestyle
>offered Katie watched her perfect world collapse. It
>was a shock for the former flower child to realize
>that contrary to what The Beatles said, love is not
>all you need. Her love for Jay was no match for the
>insidious pull of heroin addiction; he craved the
>oblivion the drug gave him more than anything,
>including his wife.
>
>After a year of trying to put her life back together
>after Jay walked out on her, Katie is thrown into
>confusion when he shows up on her doorstep clean,
>sober and ready to start over. She still loves him
>and wants him back, but he’ll have to prove she can
>trust him not to destroy her heart again.
>
>My novel CAREY ON is Contemporary Romance complete at
>145,402 words. Thank you for your time and
>consideration.
>
>Sincerely,
You probably don't want to revise it again, but so much of the story is Katie and Jay finding each other. This blurb skips that completely. Granted you don't want to tell the whole story on the back cover of the book, but that's an important part of the story that feels like it's missing to me. JMHO, as always. The synopsis is well-written and would make me want to read it, if I didn't already love it, which I do!
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And yes, bring the lilacs in so you can enjoy them! I'm jealous, can't grow them here. Or peonys...*sigh* -- debikm, 13:15:59 04/10/10 Sat
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You're so right. How's this one? >>> -- Page, 16:40:48 04/10/10 Sat
I don't mind revising it, because it's the only thing I have to pique an agent's interest. I agree with you about its not telling the main part of the story. (I just came up with that hook line and couldn't shake it. *G*)
What do you think about this one:
Flower child Katie Scott always thought falling in love at first sight was nothing more than a trite phrase. Until it happened to her. Twice.
Fleeing the aftermath of Haight-Ashbury’s Summer of Love, Katie arrived in England to check out the scene in swinging London. She hadn’t been there twenty-four hours before she fell for charismatic rock singer Adam Greene. She couldn’t imagine a life more idyllic than the one they shared in the bohemian neighborhood of Ladbroke Grove until Adam introduced her to his best friend, British guitar god Jay Carey. One look into Jay's mesmerizing eyes and Katie knew she was in trouble.
The break-up of Jay’s band left him anxious to form a new group with his friend Adam. Falling in love with Adam’s lady had not been on the agenda, but the night he met Katie, Jay lost his heart. He wanted her more than he’d ever wanted anything; and what Jay wanted, Jay got.
Katie thought the hurt she caused Adam was the worst thing she’d ever have to face. But losing the love of her life to the insidious pull of heroin addiction was a thousand times worse.
After a year of trying to put her life back together after Jay walked out on her, Katie is thrown into confusion when he shows up on her doorstep clean, sober and ready to start over. She still loves him and wants him back, but he’ll have to prove she can trust him not to destroy her heart again.
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Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! -- debikm, 18:31:20 04/10/10 Sat
>I don't mind revising it, because it's the only thing
>I have to pique an agent's interest. I agree with you
>about its not telling the main part of the story. (I
>just came up with that hook line and couldn't shake
>it. *G*)
>
>What do you think about this one:
>
>Flower child Katie Scott always thought falling in
>love at first sight was nothing more than a trite
>phrase. Until it happened to her. Twice.
>
>Fleeing the aftermath of Haight-Ashbury’s Summer of
>Love, Katie arrived in England to check out the scene
>in swinging London. She hadn’t been there twenty-four
>hours before she fell for charismatic rock singer Adam
>Greene. She couldn’t imagine a life more idyllic than
>the one they shared in the bohemian neighborhood of
>Ladbroke Grove until Adam introduced her to his best
>friend, British guitar god Jay Carey. One look into
>Jay's mesmerizing eyes and Katie knew she was in
>trouble.
>
>The break-up of Jay’s band left him anxious to form a
>new group with his friend Adam. Falling in love with
>Adam’s lady had not been on the agenda, but the night
>he met Katie, Jay lost his heart. He wanted her more
>than he’d ever wanted anything; and what Jay wanted,
>Jay got.
>
>Katie thought the hurt she caused Adam was the worst
>thing she’d ever have to face. But losing the love of
>her life to the insidious pull of heroin addiction was
>a thousand times worse.
>
>After a year of trying to put her life back together
>after Jay walked out on her, Katie is thrown into
>confusion when he shows up on her doorstep clean,
>sober and ready to start over. She still loves him
>and wants him back, but he’ll have to prove she can
>trust him not to destroy her heart again.
Yepper! It's got the stage set, the cool London scene and lays out the story, telling just enough without giving too much up. I LIKE it!
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THANK you!!! *wipes brow* Condensing a 145k-word book into a 250-word letter to make an agent crave to read it is hard! -- Page, 19:39:20 04/10/10 Sat
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Page, PMFJI...but I have a few questions>>>>> -- JulieO, 19:06:26 04/11/10 Sun
Brokay...have you hung out at Query Shark or on Janet Reid's blog? She has some great examples of query letters. This is only my opinion, but I think your word count alone may get you rejected from agents that sell romance. Most agents are looking at 80-100K for single titles. They may go to 120K. Every agent is different, but I'd hate to have your query rejected based on something like that than the merits of your story.
And both of the examples you gave are good, though I like the first starting line better. Keep the main character in your mind - what is their end-all-be-all conflict in the story...what do they HAVE to do? What is on the line for her? What does she risk? She meets a guy, falls in love, and then her world goes to hell in a handbasket. Why does an agent want to read more? What would compel them to care about her in two paragraphs? I think the backstory about Adam is irrelevant in this case - the conflict and story are about Katie and Jay. If she's already lost him to heroin once, isn't the worst case for her to lose him to heroin forever?
And a thousand apologies if'n I stepped on toes. I've been in the brutal query stage for awhile - just recently had one request for full out of nine queries sent. I know how much you want to put your best effort forward when you query - trust me, I'm there! You're a heartbeat away from a kick-ass query letter!!
I wish you all the best, from one Julie to another. :-)
Hugs!
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It's funny you should say that. Not ha-ha funny, but ah-ha funny. *G* >>> -- Page, 15:49:12 04/12/10 Mon
I had already decided to ditch Adam from the query when I read your post. (Great minds thinking alike, y'know!) My query letter just flat out said Katie dumped her lover for his best friend, and then the best friend walked out on her, and serves the little hussy right, doesn't it? Ahem. Call up query letter. Hit delete. Start over. And I do love that first hook line about the mistress. It perks up my ears, and I already know what the book's about. So I'm keeping it and reworking the query.
Oh, I'd never send Janet a query for a book with a word count over 80,000 words. Talk about becoming instant chum! Seriously, though, my word count does worry me, and despite swearing on Jimmy Page's head that I wasn't going to do any more cutting/revising, I'm still in there removing words. (Jimmy never has to know, right? And besides, his new book costs $800 - that's not a typo - so he's deserving of a broken promise or two from me until I get over my irritation.) Without shredding the story to unreadable bits I don't think there's any way I'll be able to come in under 125k, but I'm resigned to it. If the word count is the only thing that keeps it from being accepted, then I'll be okay with that. I'll just come back with my second book which has a great murder mystery and lotsa hot sex; after it's published, then I'll slip Carey On in on them. It's a plan, anyway.
No way did you step on toes! I value your input more than you could imagine! Also, I'm so psyched for you on that request for a full! It gives all of us hope and keeps us cutting that word count and revising those blankety-blank-blank queries. Btw, I just read today that the NYTBS The Help was rejected 45 times before it was picked up. You're so ahead of the curve, girl!
Thanks so much for the input and the help. One day I'll get the thing right.
Hugs,
Page
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Whew! I'm glad I didn't open mouth and insert foot *g* >>> -- JulieO, 20:32:58 04/12/10 Mon
Yeah, while Janet says she reps romance, with the exception of "All Roads Lead to You" (a fabulous story, BTW), she doesn't really. However, I have a very close friend who's been running an RWA chapter for a few years, and she concurred about the length. Get it to 120-125K if you want to pursue publishing it as a first timer. Maybe some of the backstory can be eliminated? Any scenes acting as bookmarks? Any scene that doesn't contribute to the heroine attaining her goals? Any scene without conflict? And have you done a 'That-ectomy'? I swear, I got rid of 2,000 words right there. :-)
I'm not exactly the rejection queen, but sometimes it feels like it. I have about 40 more queries to send out - these are the ones that asked for a synop as well as a query. And I don't got one yet. I'm not a big fan of the synopsis - especially since every agent wants a different length. Blurg.
Because of my critique group, I have a great query letter for my current book. But even then some agents I thought would eat it up sent me rejections within a day. Go figure. I'm trying not to take it the wrong way and to keep moving forward.
You, too, okay? I'd love to see your query in its next incarnation. Keep going and keep writing!
Julie
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"That-ectomy." *snerk* >>> -- Page, 15:32:20 04/13/10 Tue
Yep, I've done the That-ectomy, a Had-ectomy, and oh-lord-have-mercy, a Reached out-ectomy. You should see the bruise on my forehead from banging my head against the desk. Amazing how you write something, let it sit for a while and then go back and read it and end up wondering "What was I doing??" Why write, "Katie pulled the door closed behind her," instead of "Katie closed the door?" I've also utilized susiej's Contractions Are Our Friends advice (unless, of course, they're the childbirth kind of contractions in which case they're not our friends but pure, unadulterated evil.)
Still working on the query letter, but since I've gone back to the manuscript to kill, maim and otherwise disfigure 20,000 words it might be a while before I give it my best shot. But I'll certainly be asking y'all's advice when I do!
Hugs,
Page
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Re: That damned query letter >>>> -- Alex, 18:46:30 04/12/10 Mon
*puffing cheeks out and blowing air* I'm trying to remember advice I heard about query letters from agents. If this is redundant info, sorry. I haven't seen the blog pages. Basically, the agents detailed their job and just how much reading they do, which is a buttload. So the key to a query was being able to rise above the sheer mass of info they take in and stick out. Make them pause and keep reading. Intrigue them, but also have the letter reflect the style of your story. No snappy phrasing when the story is a flowery romance. And conversely, no plodding outline when the story is dynamic. They also said, think about what happens next. They have to go pitch your story to a publishing co. rep, who in turn pitches it to the next higher up at the co. and so on till it gets to the president. One agent said imagine I'm chasing after my publishing company rep, who's avoiding me at all cost, so they duck in the elevator and I have just enough time to yell out a line before the doors close. Is the first line of your query letter going to make the rep hit the door open button? If it is, the short elevator ride with the rep is where they communicate the rest of the query letter. Now the rep steps off the elevator with a 'I'll call you', and does the same thing the agent did, with their boss, and so on.
So with that in mind, I think you have a great hook with the first line of the first letter. That'd make the elevator doors open. But both letters are telling the story. Try showing it.
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I love the elevator analogy! >>> -- Page, 15:37:01 04/13/10 Tue
I'm glad you remembered that! It really hit home for me. Okay, then, I can get my agent in the elevator; now I have to work on the ride up.
Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Page
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