Date Posted:09:03:46 05/07/10 Fri Author: Fi Subject: Nothing like shattering glass to make you sit up! In reply to:
debikm
's message, "The Line, please always seems to draw me in..." on 17:45:02 05/06/10 Thu
Really nice. Kid is cute without being saccharine, car crash is excellently portrayed. Below are suggested edits; as usual, you can take or leave them, it's a great piece as is.
>“What movie are we going to see for your birthday?”
>
>Kelly bounced in excitement in the back seat. “Can we
>see the one about the horses?”
Such a typical kid on a trip to the movies!
> Lakeford had a movie theatre and
>restaurants, but the former didn’t open until the
>evening and the latter was almost exclusively
>fast-food joints.
"The former" and "the latter" seemed a bit formal compared with the tone in the rest of the piece. Maybe: Lakeford's movie theatre didn't open until the evening and its restaurants were almost exclusively fast-food joints.
>“Clydesdales!” Valerie chuckled at Kelly’s answer. A
>trip to Busch Gardens had sealed the child’s
>fascination with the heavy horses. Certain beer
>commercials were now viewed in reverent silence in the
>Mueller household.
:D
>
>“And where is Scot—“
>
>The words were lost as a massive impact rammed the
>driver’s side. The air was driven from Valerie’s lungs
>and coherent thought was lost in a maelstrom of
>screaming tires and shattering glass. The shuddering
>motion came to a halt. Valerie was vaguely aware of
>shouting voices and the stench of abraded rubber and
>coolant steaming from the hot engine.
The others have said it but... wow! That was visceral!
>Thank God for Nessa’s insisting Kelly ride in the back
>right of the car.
I had to read this sentence twice. Maybe "Thank God that Nessa insisted Kelly ride in the back of the car". Also, I think it would be better to foreshadow this beforehand: show Kelly pleading to sit up front and Nessa (her mother?) insisting on safety first (good for her!)
>Valerie turned her attention back to the
>seatbelt release, still not able to make it function
>so she could get out.
Snappier version (keeping with overall tone): "Valerie turned to the seatbelt release, still unable to make it open."
> The glass was
>gone, scattered in tiny glinting cubes all over the
>interior.
Good stuff :D
>Sirens were sounding in the
>distance.
"Sirens sounded in the distance." Simple past tense is more immediate.
>Valerie saw and heard all this with the
>slow-motion clarity that comes with crisis.
Nicely observed.
>"I'm okay." She sounded like a parrot, repeating
>herself over and over again.
"She sounded like a parrot." The "repeating herself" part is implied.
>But he didn’t let go until she was
>sitting in the passenger side of his cruiser, Kelly
>sitting in the protective circle of her arms.
"But he didn’t let go until she was
sitting in the passenger side of his cruiser, Kelly in the protective circle of her arms." (Removed repeated word, "sitting".)
>“Because I’d just been t-boned by a Dodge Ram and had
>a giant adrenaline dump?”
I wondered for a second if she would really use the word "adrenaline" in casual conversation, but then I remembered she worked in a clinic and she's seeing it through medical eyes. So this is a nice touch.
>Kelly
>had been impressed with the ride and with Pete as
>well; she’d peppered him with questions all the way
>there.
Would be nice to "show" rather than "tell" here. How about a sample question-and-answer with Kelly and Pete?
>Kelly darted to Vic and he swept her up. “Uncle Vic! A
>big truck hit us and there was broken glass and the
>sheriff came and an ambulance and your friend Pete was
>there and he told me all about the ambulance and the
>boy broke his arm and we rode here with the sirens on
>and—“
Excellent suggestions all. I'll be going back and tweaking in just a bit.
>I love Kelly :D
So do I! I know she's only five, but I'm trying to make her a good, well-behaved child, yet still a child. I've known kids like this before, they're rare, but they exist.
I appreciate you kind words and your reminders to show, not tell. I forget that a lot in an effort to get the story out. Thanks!
