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debikmLast edited by author: Sat May 08, 2010 12:27:16
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debikm, 12:28:23 05/08/10 Sat
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Page, 15:46:15 05/08/10 Sat
Last edited by author: Sat May 08, 2010 15:48:56
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Thankee, kind lady! -- debikm, 17:04:49 05/08/10 Sat
>I do love a follow-up, especially since I was
>literally worried about how badly Valerie was injured.
> No, seriously!
This is a rewrite of the first time I wrote this scene, where she did end up in the hospital but I dumped it for being too dramatic and...well, just too much. Aside from further showing how Vic can be a pain in the butt and Valerie worrying about Daniel getting a phone call after a trip out and trying to hurry to the hospital, there wasn't a need for all the drama. I will miss some of the bits of dialogue I cut that didn't fit in this new version, but I can maybe fit them in elsewhere. The buffalo line came to me as I was writing and I couldn't resist.
>
>I was going to give you a crit, but I can't find
>anything I'd change. I loved every word! I also
>loved Kelly saying it was her best birthday ever (just
>like a kid!), the battlion dwarves line, and Alan
>asking her to clarify which type of buffalo.
Kelly is a five year old, very intelligent little girl. Her fascination with mournful foolk music has given way to the horses which in turn is supplanted by the ambulance. Wonder what she'll be infatuated with next?
>
>I mean this from the bottom of my heart - I wish I
>could write like this!
>
Page, that is so sweet. There aren't proper words to express how much you saying that to me means. I am humbled by your praise and hope I can continue to give something you enjoy reading. God knows how I love reading your work.
Hugs back!
Debi
Last edited by author: Sat May 08, 2010 17:06:29
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Re: Thank God I can edit now. I pulled my old trick again!! -- Promise, 19:03:23 05/08/10 Sat
Honestly, I find the very first line a little awkward to read, but I can't really recommend how to fix it....
Other than that, not having read the preceding part(s), I was a tad confused at first as to whom everyone was, but that's obviously not the fault of the writer!
You've already got me drawn in! You have done a great job capturing how people really talk to one another. Very believable scene.
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Thank you, Promise! -- debikm, 20:24:52 05/08/10 Sat
>Honestly, I find the very first line a little awkward
>to read, but I can't really recommend how to fix it....
I'll look into it and see if I can do something to it.
>
>Other than that, not having read the preceding
>part(s), I was a tad confused at first as to whom
>everyone was, but that's obviously not the fault of
>the writer!
The scene just before this one is under the Homework Ho! thread just below. For those of you just joining us, most of what I'm posting is from my contemporary romance (I still can't believe I've written a 'romance'...) called Old Dogs. Valerie is divorced, comes home to her family, meets the nice neighbor that's an airline captain and a widower (and British, modeled on Clive Owen:-D) and, after many trials and tribulation, they end up together. These exceprts are from the follow-up to OD, called New Tricks (*nudge* get it?!;-) Valerie's older brother Vic is a physician and rather overprotective of his family, especially Valerie. It annoys her no end. Alan is her brother-in-law and one of her best friends. Nessa (for Vanessa) is her younger sister, Alan's wife and Kelly's mother. Anything else confusing, just let me know.
>
>You've already got me drawn in! You have done a great
>job capturing how people really talk to one another.
>Very believable scene.
Thank you so much! I try really hard to make sure my characters are real people. And these are conversations that you could probably hear at my work especially. Way too many hyperintelligent people in the university system, but all with their own blind spots too. I try to make that happen in my make-believe world too.
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birthdays, dwarves and buffalo -- Fi, 04:28:52 05/12/10 Wed
Hi Debi,
I have a few suggestions for tightening the prose, but other than that, a lovely excerpt that made me smile more than once.
>Valerie was more than ready to go home by the time Vic
>and one of his colleagues declared her officially none
>the worse for wear.
I'd switch this around and snip a bit:
"When Vic and his colleague officially declared her none the worse for wear, Valerie was more than ready to go home."
>Though she’d never admit it to
>him, even on pain of death, she felt pretty crappy at
>this point.
I'd leave out "even on pain of death".
>Instead of crying, though,
I'd leave out "though".
>Alan came out of the house to stand on the porch.
>Kelly spotted him and hurried over.
"Alan came out to the porch and Kelly hurried to him."
>“Bison, or Cape buffalo?”
:D That's just like something my husband would say (we're Discovery Channel addicts).
>Now, on top of everything else, her chest hurt, from
>continuing to suppress the meltdown that had been
>threatening her all day.
"Her chest hurt from suppressing the meltdown that had been
threatening all day."
You really know how to use dialogue to build characters. More Valerie & family, please!
Fi
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I appreciate the comments Fi! -- Debi, 18:09:04 05/14/10 Fri
Excellent ideas for tightening the prose(ac;-) I'll work those in as I tweak.
>
>>“Bison, or Cape buffalo?”
>:D That's just like something my husband would say
>(we're Discovery Channel addicts).
Us too!
>
>
>You really know how to use dialogue to build
>characters. More Valerie & family, please!
Thank you!!! I'm so glad you think I do iot well. I sometimes wonder...
More coming! I have rewrites on Old Dogs so I may start posting what I add and change here for my check-in/crit/look at me! posts on Saturdays.
>
>Fi
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Yeah, I saw it. *G* And then when I came back to read it, you had it hidden >>> -- Esther, 10:13:53 05/15/10 Sat
Okay, liked the whole sense of the calm after the storm. But I had a couple things that seemed odd to me.
First, Vic is a Dr as well as her brother, so is he really as clueless about the way Valerie really feels or is Valerie kidding herself?
Two, she has a concussion. So, in my experience, that means she needs to be watched, perhaps woken up every couple hours? And what about that nausea? Did she get something for that, because every time I've had one, the pounding headache and the vomit were two bedmates that made me feel really lousy.
Three, why would Alan ask if she wanted to stay there? Her car is totalled, and if I'm not mistaken, it's a fair walk to her house, especially if she has a concussion and she feels as bad as I suspect. Besides, wouldn't have Vic just taken her home if she was well enough to be by herself?
But isn't Alan a nice guy to go get her furbabies? Awwww
Hugs
Esther
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I can be sneaky...;-) -- Debi, 18:23:49 05/15/10 Sat
>Okay, liked the whole sense of the calm after the
>storm. But I had a couple things that seemed odd to
>me.
>
>First, Vic is a Dr as well as her brother, so is he
>really as clueless about the way Valerie really feels
>or is Valerie kidding herself?
Valerie is always annoyed by her brother's hovering, so, even if she feels like shit, she's not going to admit it to him. He knew she was about to faint before she did though, hence jamming her into a chair right quick-like. I don't recall mentioning nausea, though. I was avoiding that because it would mean her injuries really were serious enough to be hospitalized and I would be back where this scene was originally, with too much drama.
>
>Two, she has a concussion. So, in my experience, that
>means she needs to be watched, perhaps woken up every
>couple hours? And what about that nausea? Did she
>get something for that, because every time I've had
>one, the pounding headache and the vomit were two
>bedmates that made me feel really lousy.
She is staying with Alan and Nessa. Even if she had demurred, they would have quietly ignored her and made her stay anyway.
>
>Three, why would Alan ask if she wanted to stay there?
> Her car is totalled, and if I'm not mistaken, it's a
>fair walk to her house, especially if she has a
>concussion and she feels as bad as I suspect.
>Besides, wouldn't have Vic just taken her home if she
>was well enough to be by herself?
Her house is maybe 100 yards away, over the pasture and through the trees (to Grandmother's hous-- sorry...;-). Vic wasn't goig to leave her alone, not yet anyway. If she muled up enough to walk herself home, then she was probably up to being alone. There's a method in his madness. That's why he dropped her there and not at home.
>
>But isn't Alan a nice guy to go get her furbabies?
>Awwww
Yes he is. He and Valerie were friends before he met Nessa, and he knows her as well as her blood kin.
>
>Hugs
>
>Esther
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