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Date Posted: 12:57:38 11/29/09 Sun
Author: Page
Subject: A great introduction to a compelling character! >>>>
In reply to: Debi 's message, ""I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see..."" on 11:45:11 11/28/09 Sat

I liked Walter immediately! You brought him to life so well, not only with Molly's conscious observations -- clear eyes, no drinking or drugs -- but with little things like his standing up straight, holding open the door for her. It was clear he was no lazy, shiftless sponge, but a man of worth just down on his luck. The reaction of Jimmy (hm. Something about that name just mesmerizes me. Wonder what it could be? *G*) is good, too, with his initial wariness turning to trust. I really like this bit. Just a few nits to pick:

He seemed to gather his composure and his belongings. I know what you're saying here, but it reads funny to me, leaves me wondering how he could seem to gather his belongings. Maybe "He seemed to gather his composure as he gathered his belongings?"

Thatís what musicians and jukeboxes are for to me. This sentence brought me up short, and stopped my reading. How about, "For me, that's what musicians and jukeboxes are for." Or something along those lines.

Otherwise, great work! I'm so enjoying Molly's world!

Hugs,
Page

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Replies:

[> [> [> Thanks! -- Debi, 14:46:50 11/29/09 Sun

>I liked Walter immediately! You brought him to life
>so well, not only with Molly's conscious observations
>-- clear eyes, no drinking or drugs -- but with little
>things like his standing up straight, holding open the
>door for her. It was clear he was no lazy, shiftless
>sponge, but a man of worth just down on his luck. I was hoping that would come across well. Walter's had a rough time but he's still a good man, he hasn't given in to hopelessness. The
>reaction of Jimmy (hm. Something about that name just
>mesmerizes me. Wonder what it could be? *G*)
I wonder? is
>good, too, with his initial wariness turning to trust.
> I really like this bit. Just a few nits to pick:
>
>He seemed to gather his composure and his
>belongings.
I know what you're saying here, but
>it reads funny to me, leaves me wondering how he could
>seem to gather his belongings. Maybe "He seemed to
>gather his composure as he gathered his belongings?"
>
>Thatís what musicians and jukeboxes are for to
>me.
This sentence brought me up short, and
>stopped my reading. How about, "For me, that's what
>musicians and jukeboxes are for." Or something along
>those lines.

Fixes on their way!
>
>Otherwise, great work! I'm so enjoying Molly's world!
>
>Hugs,
>Page

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