Date Posted:00:00:45 10/20/09 Tue Author:Page Subject: Part One >>>> In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Re: I'm loving this weather!!!" on 12:24:23 10/18/09 Sun
>Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and
>the birds was nice, but the urge to do something
>constructive or at least entertaining was growing in
>her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no
>tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride
>was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing
>with a book. But there were no books in the house she
>hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book
>store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room
>on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the
>book-buying impulse, there was a crunch of gravel in
>the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in
>curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to
>meet her visitor when she heard the voice call,
>“Hello?”
>
>“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning
>as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister
>in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a
>long moment.
>
>“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind
>words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent.
>
>Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep
>his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm
>around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you
>to Taser.”
>
>“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
I already like her! Great line!
>“Smartass.”
>---
>
>Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at
>the kitchen table with glasses of tea, Taser, having
>thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the
>floor nearby.
>
>“It’s good to have you back, love.”
>
>“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that
>smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you
>ever see me around people like that again, please
>shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
>
>Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed
>suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said,
>“It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked
>around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie
>had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob
>around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant,
>with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes,
>making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a
>t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was
>dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock
>turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer
>and her jeans hugging every curve.
>
>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>but
>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>moved away.”
I had a moment of whiplash between this paragraph and the one proceeding it. It seems to need something between describing how elegant Sheila is, and the condition of the house. Not much, just maybe something about how Sheila's eyes rested on the walls, etc.
>With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move
>out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone,
>even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
>
>“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to
>Jacksonville.”
>
>“Vic worries about everybody.”
>
>“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry
>smile on her face.
>
>Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did
>he send you out here?”
>
>“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when
>he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to
>try and pry you out of the house.”
>
>Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his
>nefarious schemes, is there?”
>
>“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
>
>“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift
>store budget these days.”
>
>“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila
>declared. “C’mon, move.”
>
>
>More to come....
I like where this seems to be headed. Only one thing, and I know you said it was still rough, but I'm not getting a good "feel" for Sheila. I probably wouldn't have noticed it, but every other character you've introduced has become full blown real in my mind after just a few sentences. But, then, I've not read the rest yet, so I'll shut up and do that now....
>I like where this seems to be headed. Only one
>thing, and I know you said it was still rough, but I'm
>not getting a good "feel" for Sheila. I probably
>wouldn't have noticed it, but every other character
>you've introduced has become full blown real in my
>mind after just a few sentences. But, then, I've not
>read the rest yet, so I'll shut up and do that
>now....
I mean, I've known she was Vic's ex- since the beginning, but I realized, if they remained good friends and even have houses that back up to one anohter, she's got to still be a part of the family, apart from being Mark and Stephanie's mother (they'll show up too, if I haven't already introduced them here.) She was very specific about her appearance though, and the Australian accent just popped in. I'll put more flesh on the bones of this character, I promise!
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