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Date Posted: 12:24:23 10/18/09 Sun
Author: Debi
Subject: Re: I'm loving this weather!!!
In reply to:
Debi
's message, "I'm loving this weather!!!" on 12:18:08 10/18/09 Sun
This is just after Valerie comes home. I'm still debating whether it should take place before or after she meets Daniel.
Brand new and needs more, and embellishment, but it's new, not recycled.
**********
Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders. Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and the birds was nice, but the urge to do something constructive or at least entertaining was growing in her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing with a book. But there were no books in the house she hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the book-buying impulse, there was a crunch of gravel in the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to meet her visitor when she heard the voice call, “Hello?”
“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a long moment.
“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent.
Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you to Taser.”
“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
“Smartass.”
---
Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at the kitchen table with glasses of tea, Taser, having thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the floor nearby.
“It’s good to have you back, love.”
“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you ever see me around people like that again, please shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said, “It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant, with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes, making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer and her jeans hugging every curve.
The walls were partially denuded of their paneling, but
Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad moved away.”
With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone, even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to Jacksonville.”
“Vic worries about everybody.”
“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry smile on her face.
Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did he send you out here?”
“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to try and pry you out of the house.”
Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his nefarious schemes, is there?”
“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift store budget these days.”
“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila declared. “C’mon, move.”
More to come....
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Part One >>>> -- 
Page, 00:00:45 10/20/09 Tue
>Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and
>the birds was nice, but the urge to do something
>constructive or at least entertaining was growing in
>her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no
>tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride
>was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing
>with a book. But there were no books in the house she
>hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book
>store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room
>on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the
>book-buying impulse, there was a crunch of gravel in
>the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in
>curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to
>meet her visitor when she heard the voice call,
>“Hello?”
>
>“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning
>as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister
>in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a
>long moment.
>
>“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind
>words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent.
>
>Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep
>his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm
>around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you
>to Taser.”
>
>“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
I already like her! Great line!
>“Smartass.”
>---
>
>Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at
>the kitchen table with glasses of tea, Taser, having
>thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the
>floor nearby.
>
>“It’s good to have you back, love.”
>
>“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that
>smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you
>ever see me around people like that again, please
>shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
>
>Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed
>suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said,
>“It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked
>around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie
>had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob
>around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant,
>with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes,
>making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a
>t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was
>dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock
>turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer
>and her jeans hugging every curve.
>
>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>but
>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>moved away.”
I had a moment of whiplash between this paragraph and the one proceeding it. It seems to need something between describing how elegant Sheila is, and the condition of the house. Not much, just maybe something about how Sheila's eyes rested on the walls, etc.
>With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move
>out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone,
>even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
>
>“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to
>Jacksonville.”
>
>“Vic worries about everybody.”
>
>“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry
>smile on her face.
>
>Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did
>he send you out here?”
>
>“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when
>he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to
>try and pry you out of the house.”
>
>Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his
>nefarious schemes, is there?”
>
>“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
>
>“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift
>store budget these days.”
>
>“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila
>declared. “C’mon, move.”
>
>
>More to come....
I like where this seems to be headed. Only one thing, and I know you said it was still rough, but I'm not getting a good "feel" for Sheila. I probably wouldn't have noticed it, but every other character you've introduced has become full blown real in my mind after just a few sentences. But, then, I've not read the rest yet, so I'll shut up and do that now....
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[> [> [>
Sheila is very new to me too -- Debi, 06:43:16 10/20/09 Tue
>I like where this seems to be headed. Only one
>thing, and I know you said it was still rough, but I'm
>not getting a good "feel" for Sheila. I probably
>wouldn't have noticed it, but every other character
>you've introduced has become full blown real in my
>mind after just a few sentences. But, then, I've not
>read the rest yet, so I'll shut up and do that
>now....
I mean, I've known she was Vic's ex- since the beginning, but I realized, if they remained good friends and even have houses that back up to one anohter, she's got to still be a part of the family, apart from being Mark and Stephanie's mother (they'll show up too, if I haven't already introduced them here.) She was very specific about her appearance though, and the Australian accent just popped in. I'll put more flesh on the bones of this character, I promise!
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[> [>
first>>>> -- Lady Morilka, 03:54:19 10/26/09 Mon
>Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm standing behind her and watch and than without warning I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon sun warm on ther Shoulder.
>Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and
>the birds was nice, but the urge to do something
>constructive or at least entertaining was growing in
>her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no
>tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride
>was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing
>with a book. But there were no books in the house she
>hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book
>store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room
>on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the
>book-buying impulse,
when she heared (JMHO)
there was a crunch of gravel in
>the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in
>curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to
>meet her visitor when she heard the voice call,
>“Hello?”
>
>“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning
>as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister
>in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a
>long moment.
>
>“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind
>words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent.
Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from since my first direction of placing her was with Bens family.
>
>Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep
>his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm
>around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you
>to Taser.”
>
>“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
>
>“Smartass.”
>---
>
>Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at
>the kitchen table with glasses of tea,
I would cut that sentence here and start a new one. There are too many commas in short order for it to be an easy read.
Taser, having
>thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the
>floor nearby.
>
>“It’s good to have you back, love.”
>
>“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that
>smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you
>ever see me around people like that again, please
>shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
>
>Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed
>suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said,
>“It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked
>around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie
>had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob
>around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant,
>with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes,
>making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a
>t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was
>dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock
>turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer
>and her jeans hugging every curve.
>
>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>but
>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>moved away.”
That change of subject, from observing Sheila to the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
>
>With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move
>out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone,
>even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
>
>“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to
>Jacksonville.”
>
>“Vic worries about everybody.”
>
>“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry
>smile on her face.
>
>Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did
>he send you out here?”
>
>“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when
>he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to
>try and pry you out of the house.”
>
>Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his
>nefarious schemes, is there?”
>
>“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
>
>“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift
>store budget these days.”
>
>“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila
>declared. “C’mon, move.”
>
>
>More to come....
I really like the sentiment of the scene, even though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon to, promised. ;)
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[> [> [>
Re: first>>>> -- Debi, 18:42:38 10/30/09 Fri
>>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not
>wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm
>standing behind her and watch and than without warning
>I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you
>change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon
>sun warm on ther Shoulder.
I'll play with it, see what sounds good.
>Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first
>thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from
>since my first direction of placing her was with Bens
>family.
I've posted bits with Vic in the past. Sheila thus far was only mentioned once, but I just knew she had to become more involved in the story.
>>
>>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>>but
>>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>>moved away.”
>That change of subject, from observing Sheila to
>the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
Taken care of! ;-)
>>
>I really like the sentiment of the scene, even
>though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon
>to, promised. ;)
Thank you for the suggestions. Only tomorrow to work on this one then it's set aside for a month... *sigh*
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