Date Posted:14:47:21 10/27/09 Tue Author: Lady Morilka Subject: second>>> In reply to:
Debi
's message, "part two of scene" on 13:01:41 10/19/09 Mon
>Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright Debi Matlac,
>2008-2009; all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only; does not constitute
>publication.
>********
>An hour later, as the sun was sinking, Valerie was
>able to escape from Sheila’s ministrations. Her hair
>was a thick mass of dark curls, the hair around her
>face caught with a fancy clip Sheila produced from her
>bag. Valerie was even more suspicious that this whole
>charade had been premeditated; Sheila’s hair was far
>too short to accommodate the ornament. Valerie’s
>closet had been turned upside down as Sheila searched
>for something she felt was appropriate for whatever
>fate she had planned for Valerie.
>
>“I thought you liked me.” Valerie complained, standing
>in front of the mirror. Sheila stood behind her,
>superior height allowing her to look directly over her
>head and survey her work. I'm not sure here, but I keep stumbling in this sentence. I think maybe the showing ot Sheilas hight is too elaborate. I think you could shorten that sentence quite e bit, cos if she can look over Vals head why emphasice her superior hight? I can tell she's tall from her beeing able to stand behind and survey. Or do you want to tell that Val is feeling small in comparison? Than it is not very clear ;)
>
>“You look lovely.”
>
>“I look like a hooker.”
>
>“You do not.”
>
>Still, Valerie savored her ex-sister in law’s gasp as
>she grabbed a hank of toilet tissue and scrubbed about
>half the makeup off her face. The result was much more
>to her liking; her dark lashes still enhanced her
>eyes, but the raccoon-like shadows over them were
>minimized. Similarly, the blush and lipstick applied
>while she was unable to see herself in the mirror were
>blotted back to what, to her eye, was a healthier
>shade, instead of the appearance of having been
>alternately slapped on both cheeks and punched in the
>mouth.
>
>“All my good work—“
>
>“Made into something I might actually be seen in
>public with. Love that timely interruption ;)
There NO way I was going out looking like
>you had me. I might as well be leaning against a lamp
>post.”
>
>“Valerie, you exaggerate. It’s a failing with your
>family.” I like that this teasing is different from the other ones around Val.
>
>“Be nice, if you want me to still go. Otherwise I’ll
>put on a robe and flop on the couch until you go away.”
>
>“Fine.” Sheila’s exquisite face frowned for a moment,
>then the pout faded as she fussed with Valerie’s hair
>again. “I wish I had your hair.” Could be me with my sisters hair ;)
>
>“You can have it. It can be a real pain in the butt
>sometimes.” Valerie was looking at herself in the
>mirror with a critical eye. Her hair did look good;
>Sheila had done something magical to it so that it
>fell in shiny, almost-black ringlets almost to her
>waist. Left to her own devices, Valerie’s hair care
>routine consisted of washing and conditioning it It? I think tah is one word too many.
the
>thick mass and then letting it drip-dry while she
>wandered the yard or watched TV.
>
>“We always want what we don’t have,” Sheila sighed,
>fluffing the curls down Valerie’s back again. The
>clothes were another matter. She had let Sheila talk
>her into wearing a navy v-neck t-shirt with long
>belled sleeves and a keyhole back. The neckline was
>lower than Valerie was comfortable displaying in
>public, especially in a bar. Especially in a bar in a
>college town. The second she tugged the shirt a bit
>higher, Sheila was adjusting it to display more
>cleavage. lol
>
>“Seriously, Sheila, should I just get some hot pants
>and stiletto heels while I’m at it?”
>
>“For the last time, you look beautiful, not one bit
>like a hooker. You’d pass for a call girl, at least.” lol
>
>Despite herself, Valerie snickered, even as she faked
>a slap at Sheila’s hand. Fortunately, she’d been in
>possession of a nice pair of jeans that met with
>Sheila’s approval. Paired with a fleece shrug to ward
>off the night air, Valerie decided her appearance was
>a good compromise between their differing opinions.
>Turning to face Sheila, she gave her a long stare.
>
>“Alright, now that the fatted calf has been
>slaughtered, where do you propose taking me. I will
>still veto this junket if said destination does not
>meet with my grudging approval.”
>
>“You are a hard-case, love. I was thinking Durty
>Nellie’s”
>
>“Well, I’ll be damned. You picked the one place that I
>might actually not want to slit my own throat in.”
>
>“My God,” Sheila gasped with a sly wink, “you mean
>I’ve done one thing right today? I may faint from the
>shock.” *g*
>
>“I’m not going there on an empty stomach, though. This
>night will cost you a meal.”
>
>“Done and done.”
>
>
>Full of excellent Italian food from a restaurant close
>to their destination, Valerie couldn’t really complain
>once they arrived. The bar was styled after a pub,
>small and cosy, with a live band playing traditional
>tunes at the end of the room. While fine, the music
>was loud and didn’t leave much room for conversation.
>Valerie ventured a glance around and groaned at the
>sight of the majority of the bar’s clientele that
>evening. Students everywhere. Granted, she had fond
>memories of many hours spent in similar establishments
>when she was in college. Now that she was older
>though, her tolerance for the antics of soon-to-be
>drunken bar patrons was even less then it had been.
>The best she could hope for this evening was to remain
>unnoticed.
>
>Sheila had other ideas. When a couple of young men
>offered to buy them drinks, she invited them to sit
>down. Valerie shot her a poisonous glance; Sheila gave
>her a sweet smile.
>
>“Hi, I’m Phil.” The bearded young man seated to her
>right stuck out his hand. Valerie gave him a firm
>handshake.
>
>“Valerie.” She was forced to raise her voice over the
>music, getting louder just as the song ended. With a
>self-conscious chuckle, she sighed. “It figures. Just
>confirms my usual grace and style.”
>
>Her companion smiled, a wide, genuine expression.
>“Nah, you’re fine. If you can’t laugh at yourself,
>someone else will just do it for you.”
>
>“Can’t argue when you’re right.”
>
>As much as she hated to admit it, Phil’s conversation
>reminded her how nice it was to just talk to someone.
>Sure, she talked to people all the time, but it wasn’t
>the same. They discovered a common love of movies and
>traded quotes and reviews for a long time, all washed
>down with liberal amounts of beer. Her head felt
>somewhat lighter than normal and she stole glances at
>Sheila, who was watching them, the other fellow having
>left the table. To Valerie’s relief, she was nursing a
>diet soda. When Phil excused himself for a few
>minutes, Sheila leaned across the table with a grin.
>
>“So, he’s nice?”
>
>Valerie gave her a grudging nod. “Yes, he’s nice.”
>
>“So?”
>
>“So, we both like movies and he’s about fifteen years
>younger than me.”
>
>“Age is just a number.”
>
>“When did you turn into such a cougar?”
>
>“I am not! I just want to make sure you’re enjoying
>yourself.”
>
>Feeling more than a little tipsy, Valerie nodded.
>“Damn you, I am enjoying myself. But just remember
>that I turn into a pumpkin pretty soon.”
>
>“I promise I’ll have you home soon. Unless you get a
>better offer. He is cute.”
>
>“If you think he’s so cute, you hook up with him.”
>
>“He likes you.”
>
>Valerie dismissed her with a flip of her hand and a
>‘pfftt’.
>
>Sheila’s opinion was proven when Phil came back. The
>conversation resumed, but after a few minutes, he
>leaned close so she could hear. The band was in full
>force again.
>
>“You want to get out of here?”
>
>The impulse rose in her to say yes and mean what he
>was referring to. But it would have been a lie. He was
>sweet and Sheila was right, he was cute too. If she
>was twenty again, she’d have been thrilled to meet
>someone like him. But now his youth glared at her like
>a huge neon sign. She smiled with a sigh and he nodded.
>
>“Not really huh?”
>
>“You know I’m old enough to be your… older sister.
>Maybe your aunt.”
>
>He shrugged with a smile. “My hot younger aunt.” Love that remark!
>
>Valerie felt her face get hot and she laughed. “Thank
>you for that. It’s bullshit, but thanks.”
>
>He leaned forward and gave her a hug and a peck on the
>cheek. “No bullshit.” With that he got to his feet and
>headed for the exit. Valerie watched him go and turned
>back to Sheila.
>
>“You didn’t pay him did you?”
>
>Sheila laughed. “You are so paranoid. No I didn’t pay
>him, nor did anyone else. Why can’t you accept that
>you’re an attractive wonderful woman that can attract
>men?” the dublication of "attract" here is not perfect, I would just cut the first.
>
>Valerie shrugged. “Because I haven’t felt that way in
>years.”
>
>“Well, get over it, because you are.”
>
>Valerie could only shake her head.
>
>Sheila smiled, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
>“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
I like the sentiment of the scene. It is a nice evening out, but with a few underlying tensions and currents that keeps it interesting. I'd like so see more of Sheila.
>>“I thought you liked me.” Valerie complained, standing
>>in front of the mirror. Sheila stood behind her,
>>superior height allowing her to look directly over her
>>head and survey her work.
>I'm not sure here, but I keep stumbling in this
>sentence. I think maybe the showing ot Sheilas hight
>is too elaborate. I think you could shorten that
>sentence quite e bit, cos if she can look over Vals
>head why emphasice her superior hight? I can tell
>she's tall from her beeing able to stand behind and
>survey. Or do you want to tell that Val is feeling
>small in comparison? Than it is not very clear ;)
ANother good point. I'll see what I can do with it.
>>
>>“All my good work—“
>>
>>“Made into something I might actually be seen in
>>public with.
>Love that timely interruption ;)
Thanks! I feel much the same way. Before my own wedding I scrubbed off most of the makeup I had paid someone to apply. If there ever is a next time, I'm doing my own!
>There NO way I was going out looking like
>>you had me. I might as well be leaning against a lamp
>>post.”
>>
>>“Valerie, you exaggerate. It’s a failing with your
>>family.”
>I like that this teasing is different from the
>other ones around Val.
Thanks. I'm not sure what I did to make her different, but I'm glad Sheila is coming across a little more solid.
>>
Valerie’s hair care
>>routine consisted of washing and conditioning it
>It? I think tah is one word too many.
Good catch.
>the
>>thick mass and then letting it drip-dry while she
>>wandered the yard or watched TV.
>>He shrugged with a smile. “My hot younger aunt.”
>Love that remark!
Phil is modeled after one of my co-workers. He's a a sweet boy and is a flirt, but very good-natured about it; he doesn't really mean anything by it, he's just a very social guy. We have loads of fun when we work together. We tell him constantly his wife is a saint to put up with him.;-)
>>
>the dublication of "attract" here is not perfect, I
>would just cut the first.
Another good catch!
>>
>
>I like the sentiment of the scene. It is a nice
>evening out, but with a few underlying tensions and
>currents that keeps it interesting. I'd like so see
>more of Sheila.
Thanks you very much. I think Sheila will be putting in an appearance at the Thanksgiving celebration and teasing Valeris a lot more.
