Date Posted:18:42:38 10/30/09 Fri Author:Debi Subject: Re: first>>>> In reply to:
Lady Morilka
's message, "first>>>>" on 03:54:19 10/26/09 Mon
>>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not
>wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm
>standing behind her and watch and than without warning
>I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you
>change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon
>sun warm on ther Shoulder.
I'll play with it, see what sounds good.
>Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first
>thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from
>since my first direction of placing her was with Bens
>family.
I've posted bits with Vic in the past. Sheila thus far was only mentioned once, but I just knew she had to become more involved in the story.
>>
>>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>>but
>>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>>moved away.”
>That change of subject, from observing Sheila to
>the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
Taken care of! ;-)
>>
>I really like the sentiment of the scene, even
>though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon
>to, promised. ;)
Thank you for the suggestions. Only tomorrow to work on this one then it's set aside for a month... *sigh*
