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>>>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders. >><b>ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not >>wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm >>standing behind her and watch and than without warning >>I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you >>change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon >>sun warm on ther Shoulder.</b> >I'll play with it, see what sounds good. > >><b>Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first >>thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from >>since my first direction of placing her was with Bens >>family.</b> > >I've posted bits with Vic in the past. Sheila thus far >was only mentioned once, but I just knew she had to >become more involved in the story. >>> >>>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling, >>>but >>>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining >>>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an >>>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this >>>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad >>>moved away.” >><b>That change of subject, from observing Sheila to >>the surounding is quite abrupt ;)</b> > >Taken care of! ;-) >>> >><b>I really like the sentiment of the scene, even >>though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon >>to, promised. ;)</b> > >Thank you for the suggestions. Only tomorrow to work >on this one then it's set aside for a month... *sigh*
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